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Trying to be hopeful, it's getting harder every year.

Started by BlueLotus, July 08, 2015, 01:01:37 am

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Monroe

Quote from: gettingoldandcranky on July 10, 2015, 06:31:44 am


Only worse thought is that maybe he DID stand up for us, and she cares so little for what even HE thinks that she STILL treats us this way.  Either way, her cold treatment of us has damaged our relationship with him. 

Which is so sad, as he was the cutest, sweetest little boy in the world.  I miss him.


Monroe - hope i quoted you correctly.  this is exactly how i feel.  after yrs of cold DIL, our DS just goes along and tells me I'm wrong when i call her out.  so i have just given up and now keep my mouth shut.  but i do, always, miss the sweet boy and adult and the love that he showed to us before DIL took over.  will never understand the why
[/quote]

Yes, you quoted me correctly.  The only difference in our situations is that my DH and I never called her out.  We have just pretended for years that everything is fine.  It is exhausting to be around either of them with that elephant in the room.   

It is a no-win situation, as you have discovered.   DIL is rude, MIL calls her out, DS gets mad at MIL.  OR . . .  DIL is rude, MIL and FIL say nothing, DS does nothing. 

Either result is unsatisfactory.  The only advantage to our approach is that DS cannot tell us we are wrong, because we have never said anything.  That is only very small satisfaction. 

It is exhausting to be around either of them - the best has been to move on with our own lives - do the things we couldn't afford to do when raising a family - I don't think things will ever change with them.   My loss.   

Lillycache

Quote from: Monroe on July 10, 2015, 07:52:01 am
Quote from: gettingoldandcranky on July 10, 2015, 06:31:44 am


Only worse thought is that maybe he DID stand up for us, and she cares so little for what even HE thinks that she STILL treats us this way.  Either way, her cold treatment of us has damaged our relationship with him. 

Which is so sad, as he was the cutest, sweetest little boy in the world.  I miss him.


Monroe - hope i quoted you correctly.  this is exactly how i feel.  after yrs of cold DIL, our DS just goes along and tells me I'm wrong when i call her out.  so i have just given up and now keep my mouth shut.  but i do, always, miss the sweet boy and adult and the love that he showed to us before DIL took over.  will never understand the why


Yes, you quoted me correctly.  The only difference in our situations is that my DH and I never called her out.  We have just pretended for years that everything is fine.  It is exhausting to be around either of them with that elephant in the room.   

It is a no-win situation, as you have discovered.   DIL is rude, MIL calls her out, DS gets mad at MIL.  OR . . .  DIL is rude, MIL and FIL say nothing, DS does nothing. 

Either result is unsatisfactory.  The only advantage to our approach is that DS cannot tell us we are wrong, because we have never said anything.  That is only very small satisfaction. 

It is exhausting to be around either of them - the best has been to move on with our own lives - do the things we couldn't afford to do when raising a family - I don't think things will ever change with them.   My loss.
[/quote]

It's not just your loss Monroe.. it's your son's loss too... but he just doesn't realize it yet..  He will someday.. and it will be very painful for him.  That's sad.   That was one of the things I have told my two sons..  You only get one mom.. and you are free to treat her how you choose while she is alive..  hopefully you treat her well... cuz.. there's no do overs.. and the guilt will be enormous.  I know.. I wish every day I could talk to my mom.. and say how sorry I am for things I did or didn't do.. 

Stilllearning

So is it wrong to hope that my DIL has a son?  I want her to understand my point of view and I do not think she ever will if she keeps producing daughters!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Monroe

Quote from: Stilllearning on July 10, 2015, 08:09:47 am
So is it wrong to hope that my DIL has a son?  I want her to understand my point of view and I do not think she ever will if she keeps producing daughters!


Certainly not!!!  :D    My DS and DIL show no signs of planning a family after nearly a decade.  Why?  Don't know, haven't asked, would never in a million years ask, and they certainly have to volunteered any information.  So I don't need to know - but I am quite happy with no GC from them.   A number of reasons - -
1.   I would not be allowed to get to know them much.   We all know the DIL controls access to the GCs. 
2.  DS has virtually no time for us now - and would have even less for us if he had kids. 
3.  It would break my heart to have the GCs and not have a close, loving relationship with them. 

So I am quite happy not having them.   But if they did, a little boy would be nice - and the DIL would eventually become the dreaded MIL that I so obviously am.   ;D ;D ;D

Monroe

I meant certainly have NOT volunteered any information. 

Lillycache

Quote from: Stilllearning on July 10, 2015, 08:09:47 am
So is it wrong to hope that my DIL has a son?  I want her to understand my point of view and I do not think she ever will if she keeps producing daughters!


Not at all..... MY son and his wife have one girl and TWO boys... means two DILS for her.. hehehehehehehehe

Monroe

Quote from: Lillycache on July 10, 2015, 08:40:45 am
Quote from: Stilllearning on July 10, 2015, 08:09:47 am
So is it wrong to hope that my DIL has a son?  I want her to understand my point of view and I do not think she ever will if she keeps producing daughters!


Not at all..... MY son and his wife have one girl and TWO boys... means two DILS for her.. hehehehehehehehe


Lilly - I think I love you!!!    As the old saying goes - what goes around comes around.   Yes, she will get hers!

Getting' Gold - The reason I have not called her out is that I see no upside.   What would I try to accomplish?   Change her?  Not likely.  Make DS mad?  Very likely.  So I just turn the other cheek and walk away.  I refuse to really interact with her when she has been so cold for so long.   I know I am on the outside looking in, but I refuse to be that kid with her nose pressed against the glass - giving off the air of desperation.  I won't go there.   I refused to beg the "cool kids" in high school to let me into their clique - now, decades later I am not going to beg anyone.  It is easier to keep my self-respect that way.   And as my husband reminds me, if we did confront DS and/or DIL, what would the upside be?  That she would see the error of her ways and become a loving warm family member?   Don't' think so.   So keep your self respect, don't call DIL out - just get busy and involved with people who love and respect you.  The less time you spend on DIL and DS, the more time you will have to spend on the new friends you make who will truly value you.   All the best.. 

Lillycache


Monroe

Quote from: Lillycache on July 10, 2015, 09:56:41 am
Yeah Monroe.... Karma bites like a bedbug.


Agreed.   And one benefit of my refusing to wail about being on the outside looking in, of refusing to be the one with my nose pressed against the glass - is that nobody can blame me for meddling or interfering.   I am busy with my own life, enjoying it, taking trips we couldn't when life was full of PTA and little league.  I absolutely do not interfere.  I never use the words "you" and "should" in the same sentence, in talking to either of them.  (Only DH gets that, and he's used to me nagging!  :D :D :D )    It has been years since I called her.  And of course she never calls me - so I give her no ammunition to complain.  If she complains anyway, maybe someday DS will see that it is without merit. 

Yay for Karma

BlueLotus

Quote from: love3 on July 09, 2015, 07:58:34 pm
Blue Lotus , I am a dil also in your situation. Our stories actually sound identical ! My mil is ALOT like  yours , she wanted to pick out everything for our place when we moved to a new place. She is totally a want to be molder or trys to be . She would try so hard to get me to have her old furniture even after I told her I had everything picked out. She wanted to control still and kept asking same with bills . I NEVER let her pick out or give us furniture or buy us any. After we got our own , she gave up pestering about furniture . I think it funny how mil's actually think its ok to come in and redecorate to her liking which is the total opposite of mine that's where the molding comes in . Mil's need to understand they are not the women of the house anymore and need to respect the dil as an adult. The mil would not go into their own friends house , or even their own mil house to take over and re-decorate (that's where the respect comes in) . Sure they can suggest ideas and you can listen to them, but remember you are in charge and have no obligation to do what she says. It was hard for me at first to say no because she always talked really nice to me (even though she secretly hates me) and THAT was the guilt trip most mil are famous for. But I always stood my ground and stayed there , you have to if you want to be respected and protect yourself . Don't worry about what she thinks , because you will never be good enough in her eyes . Be the strong real person you know you are and don't let her tell you how to live your life. As for your dh ,... my dh was the same way at first he was scared and couldn't say no to his mom in order to not hurt her feelings and face the guilt trip... SO I then started tell her no myself ! And she would have to listen and accept it. Now my dh has no problem saying "no" to his mom since I started doing it myself he also got more comfortable to stand up to her. If your dh wont step up to the plate then you have to do it , its YOUR life , YOUR marriage .


Love sounds like we really are in the same situation. Our situation is so similar. My heart goes out to you. Thanks so much for sharing your experience. Thanks Green thumb for sharing also, you sound like you know alot about this, and the dynamics at play. I love all the insight and support you ladies give it's interesting, and comforting to know we are not all alone. We all have feelings. I'm not the controlling type, it's just one of the fun parts of marriage is picking out our home, decor, pets, kids names together, but she tries to take over any chance she gets. Lilly, there isn't a double standard in my own experience. My mother and I shop together. She and I have fun, no one pushes each other, we give a few opinions like "that's cute" but that the extent of it. My family forces her ideas on me. We shopped one time together, turned out she had gone to the same store the day before, found an item and it was a huge struggle with the salesperson, I let him know it wasn't my style and she cut me off and said"oh! She just doesn't know what she wants, give us a minute". She continued  to tell me why I should pick out the one she wanted for us, I finally called dfh, and he liked the one I liked. Thank god. She wasn't purchasing for us, she just wanted to pick out for us. There is such a huge difference between my mother and her. Have you ladies heard of wedding bee? Lots of dils say they love their mil, I think it's a 50/50 chance they won't get along, which is bad odds but I know so many who get along. I think it's mostly mothers with only sons, or mothers who are emerged with their sons who tend to have an issue with having respect for dil. It could sometimes be a clash of personalities, but I think the most Co dependent ,narcissistic, and controlling people have no clue that they are, or are so stubborn that they can't admit their part. I'm never afraid to say sorry. I think some Mils, and Dils, are prideful in that way they hold grudges and can't move forward. I think accepting this b  I truly hope to have a son, because I basically know exactly what not to do with DIL. SILS freak  me out more for some reason.

BlueLotus

I do think if I had a son, above anything else... I'd want him to be happy and successful , with a loving family of his own. That would be more important to me than my own wants. I would never get in the way of that, or ever be against it. With my Dfh, I want him to be happy, and he has become very successful the last few years, and I don't want his relationship with his family to be hurt just because he is starting a family.

Lillycache

QuoteI think some Mils, and Dils, are prideful in that way they hold grudges and can't move forward. I think accepting this b  I truly hope to have a son, because I basically know exactly what not to do with DIL. SILS freak  me out more for some reason.


Yes... I am sure that you do and will be the best MIL ever... and I sincerely hope you get your wish. 

BlueLotus

Quote from: luise.volta on July 09, 2015, 02:14:17 pm
In my case I thought it wouldn't get worse after we married. I even hoped marriage would somehow make it better. Neither came to be...it got much worse! I wasn't able to take it continually and forever and I was sorry I walked into a card game with a loaded deck. There was no way I could win. I had a romantic dream I just couldn't up and it became a nightmare!


These words kept playing in my mind all night Louise, I hardly slept... this is my fear. I don't dream of being a movie star or a billionaire.. My dream is to have a complete happy family-extended family included happily. I guess all I can do is my best.

luise.volta

July 10, 2015, 11:45:36 am #43 Last Edit: July 10, 2015, 11:49:17 am by luise.volta
My guess is that you 'know' just as I did. What is so is that both parties in a relationship have to have the same or similar dreams to start with and the capacity to honor them. I thought mine were strong enough to carry me through and would somehow become the norm. I tried for 18 years to make something out of nothing...and in the end there was very little left of me to leave and start over.

We each have our own path and our own lessons. What I learned, at long last, was self respect. Once I healed and that was rekindled...I met and married the man that shared my dreams.  :D We had 24 years together until he passed at age 101! Here's his picture at  age 98. When he died, I was sitting there holding his hand and singing the prayer from Hansel and Gretel...'When at night I go to sleep', only I sang, 'When at night (you) go to sleep'.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Lillycache

lovely story Louise..  and yes.. we all "Know" exactly what we will do and how we will accomplish our dreams.  We all go into marriage and motherhood with all the answers.   We will be the best this and the best that..  We will not make the same mistakes our parents did.   We will be able to handle any situation because we are young, invincible, and most of all "in love".   Then years go by and we learn.. we did not have all the answers.. and that husbands and children, and inlaws are people..  People with their own minds, and feelings and desires, which may or many not align with our expectations.  As we always say here... our expectations are ours alone.. and no one has the obligation to meet them..  I think that is the hardest lesson of all.. and it comes after many years of experience.