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DIL has never shown respect

Started by Thumper, June 15, 2015, 08:14:48 am

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Monroe

Quote from: Stilllearning on June 19, 2015, 05:55:54 am
Thumper I think H was having a bad day.  I totally agree with LC.  And to be honest teething or not is not the question.  I think your DIL does not want any suggestions whatsoever. 




I totally totally agree with Still.  Especially where she says your DIL does not want any suggestions whatsoever.   After getting the cold shoulder from son's girlfriend during the dating period, I knew from the beginning she would not welcome any type of relationship with me.  When they married and exchanged vows, I also made a vow. I vowed never to use the words "you" and "should" in the same sentence.  And I have kept that vow.   :D :D :D

It doesn't mean that DIL likes me, but it does mean that whatever happens between DS and DIL cannot be blamed on my "interference" - because there isn't any!  If there is an issue in the marriage, they will have to look to each other, and not blame it on me. 

Small comfort, but Still is also right when she says to fill your time and thoughts with activities that you and DH enjoy - it is so much more pleasant to do the things we could not do when the kids were young and our lives revolved around them than it is to try to maintain a relationship with a DIL who does not want anything to do with us, and a son who is going along with that.   

Now our lives get to revolve around US. 

Lillycache

I freely admit that I put less credence on the advise of someone not having walked in my shoes, or experienced what I have.   It's not that I dismiss it completely.  It has value in illustrating a different mindset and clarifying the differences.. but does not soothe... does not comfort.. and  will do little to solve the situation.  It will only highlight the problem.   Women who come here already know the problem, and they are in pain because of it.  I believe they come here to find people with the same experiences and are looking to know that there is a way out of the pain.  They want to talk to women who have overcome the situation and have gone on to find peace and happiness in spite of it.   

shiny

Lilly, your last comment is right -- I totally agree.

gettingoldandcranky

lilly, i agree totally.  isn't it interesting that this site, wise women unite, is so much more supportive than another site i was involved with.
thought it was a support site for my new grand title and it is more supportive of the adult children's point of view and totally slams any idea that a good mom and/or whole family can get cut off for unknown reasons.
so grateful for the support and advice that i find here.

Stilllearning

GOAC, that is what drew me in.  I found women who had lived through what I was currently experiencing and they had real solutions!  The only thing I had heard before that was that I should get over it.  Everyone, even my family, seemed to think that I had done something to make this happen and it was all my fault!  I was at my wits end trying to fix what everyone said was my mistake.  I tried everything I could think of including looking at things from H's perspective and nothing and I mean nothing worked!  And then I found this site where they said that it just happens for no reason sometimes.  The women here told me to stop trying to fix it and go out and enjoy my life!! which was the advice that saved my marriage.  I had been like a crazy woman, trying so hard to get along that I had turned into this clingy person who was demanding attention from her son.  Not the kind of person anyone wants to be around.

Thanks to the women here I took a good hard look at how my DS had been treating me and I decided that I did not really like how he was acting!!  I decided that I did not really enjoy his company so why was I trying so hard to get along with either one of them???  What an eye opener!  Once they sensed that I was no longer running after them begging for attention their attitude towards me changed.  I have learned my lesson.  No one but my DH will ever have the emotional ammunition to hurt me that badly again.  I am back in control.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUBnxqEVKlk
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Monroe

Quote from: Stilllearning on June 23, 2015, 07:33:08 am

Thanks to the women here I took a good hard look at how my DS had been treating me and I decided that I did not really like how he was acting!!  I decided that I did not really enjoy his company so why was I trying so hard to get along with either one of them???  What an eye opener!  Once they sensed that I was no longer running after them begging for attention their attitude towards me changed.  I have learned my lesson.  No one but my DH will ever have the emotional ammunition to hurt me that badly again.  I am back in control.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUBnxqEVKlk


I couldn't agree more.  I was the one trying, DIL was not, DS was oblivious or worse.  I kept trying because I love my son, but then I took the good hard look at it, and realized I did not like how HE was treating me.  Not just how SHE was treating me - but HIM as well.  I realized I should not tolerate that treatment from anyone - wouldn't have even considered it had he not been the son I loved.  I decided that, son or not, I was not going to take that treatment from anyone.  So I stopped.  Didn't make any big announcement or anything - just went my own way, let them go theirs.  Easy since they are so far away. 

I finally decided that giving birth to someone is no reason to tolerate emotionally abusive behavior.  So I don't anymore.   Life is much better.  Key is letting go.   

Thumper

I want to thank everyone for welcoming me and letting me tell my story. A lot of your advice and comments are well received by this MIL. I did take a step back when "Herbal..." Wrote his or her 2 cents. You are right, there is more to this story than I shared. And you are wrong about not knowing a person after 6 years. I am in awe at your comment that our son wanted to distance himself from us - your comments were harsh and uncalled for. I did not share my story so that I could be attacked, you should be ashamed of yourself for being the "bully" in this group.
I want to thank everyone else for your time and words. After writing my original post - we got a call from our son and they asked if it was a good time to visit us. Of course! Are you kidding me?! It was more than a visit, our DIL shared with us an event that happened in her teenage years and why she was trying to sabotage our relationship. I'm sorry it is too personal to share, but let me say we now understand why she was trying to hurt us. So my story has an ending, our DIL knows we will always have her back in life. This situation has brought my husband and I closer and we are looking forward to our future - together. And visits from our sons...yes we have another son and DIL - they have no children. Thank you for letting me share - and Herbal - you may want to learn to keep your bullying comments to yourself.

raindrops_on_my_soul

Thumper, I figured out shortly after coming here that Herbal is obviously rude and miserable. That is very discernable by her comments.She made a very similar response to one of my posts very early on. But I made an assessment of her attitude and a mental note to ignore it and all future comments from her. As Louise always says, take what you can from here, and leave the rest. Put here in the leave section as I did  :). Most of us here really do understand where you're coming from.

Thumper

Thank you raindrops! So many inspiring comments and suddenly I felt like I was hit in the face! I was talking to our attorney today and his daughter broke ties with him and his wife years ago. I asked him how they got through it? The silence and not seeing the Grandsons...he said we learned count our other blessings  ;)

Thumper

Still learning- Isn't that the truth! Short story - years ago my hair dresser shared that her DIL would not let her see the kids! I asked her WHY?! What did you do? My hairdresser said not a thing! I remember thinking to myself - you must have done something. I looked at her and began to size her up- she was a beautiful woman, very giving - she would go to the local nursing home and do hair - for FREE! I just couldn't come up with anything. Now it's happened to me and I understand! I have always been a person who believes things happen for a reason. With my husband and I this has brought us closer. My Mom has been a big help through this also - she continued to say to me - It's time for the 2 of you to do things you have always wanted to do!

Stilllearning

Thumper I try to look on this as a sign that we did something right!  When we raised our kids we prepared them for the world well enough that they do not need us anymore.  Is it lonely for us?  ABSOLUTELY!!  Is it fair....well, maybe not so much, but it does allow us to go and live the rest of our lives without worrying about our adult children and GC.  Our AC have it under control and we should be happy that any mistakes they any make will not come back to bite us.  Maybe our AC will be able to raise their children without making any mistakes.......yea, right!!  LOL
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Thumper

Still learning - perhaps it is all bittersweet? We raised AC to be self sufficient which is a good thing. And now it is up to them to raise strong, well adjusted children too! even though our marriages can grow stronger now, there is still an void. My DIL's Mom is in her glory having the baby to herself. They are there twice a week to help with the baby. Lucky her. I suppose this is the part of life I never knew happened. Raising the boys they were close to both sets of our parents. We were blessed. I don't mean any disrespect when I say this, but I feel strongly that with the emptiness I feel now, I would have opted out of having children. We were never financially wealthy, but the boys never went without, sports, travel, private schools. Now we sit here with boxes of photos and only memories. But it's about healing and moving forward to what lies ahead! Mahalo!

Stilllearning

Thumper I found that once my DS and DIL realized that my life was not going to revolve around whether or not I saw them their attitude towards me changed.  I was no longer the needy person I had been so when they were around me I no longer emitted that "shame on you"  or the "woe is me" feeling and I think they actually started enjoying their time here.  Yes the maternal GP get to see the GC more than me but I get to see her enough.  I raised my children and I never wanted to be the regular babysitter for my grands, although having her over once every couple of months for a spend the night is fun.  Now that there is another on the way I am not sure I want to keep them both.  I am to the point where having a two year old and an infant at the same time does not sound like fun, it sounds like hard work and no sleep! 

We have all known that one way to be unhappy is to constantly compare our lives to someone else's.  They have more money or better stuff or prettier hair or whatever, yet when we become grandparents we compare automatically.  The other grands get more time with you, they have more money to spend, you talk to them more, and on and on.  It makes us unhappy which makes us more difficult to be around which makes them avoid us more and that makes us unhappy, you get my point don't you?  The only place that you can break that circle is the it "makes us unhappy".  So go forth and plan!  Plan a vacation with your favorite person in the whole world......DH!!  Tell the kids all about it, it will give you something fun to talk to them about!  The big thing here is to enjoy your life!  What you focus on expands and you have been focusing on what makes you sad so the sadness has taken over.  It will take some practice but you can change your focus to things you love other than your AC and grands.  Rediscover your favorite hobby.  You know the one you had to give up because you had a baby!!  LOL
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Thumper

Stilllearning - Thank you! This is exactly the support I wanted to get when I first reached out to this site! It is as if we all know each without actually meeting. Your key words are - It will take some practice but you can change your focus to things you love other than our AC! You have given me the push I need to know its ok to live my own life! It was exhausting planning the 650 mile ride - just to see that beautiful baby! I am excited to become the couple we were 40 years ago - of course physically we are different - darn gravity - but the joy of spending time together is still there. My DH said I was exhausting him wanting to do all this traveling! But he did it to make me happy! Now if that isn't love, what is? Thank you for all the wonderful advice!