weird/no relationship with mil , where do we go from here? Happy but stuck.

[Lillycache]

I tend to stay out of threads written by DILs complaining about MILs...  But I have to say this..   My DIL decided that I was the MIL from hell..   However.. I have to say that I didn't realize anything was wrong until about 10 years into the situation.  Silly me... I thought everything was fine and that we actually had a good relationship...  That is until I realized that everything I had done and said for 10 years was wrong.. and critiqued by DIL and her family and assigned the most malicious of motives.  Motives that I certainly didn't have..   SO  Louise is right.. when we try to get into someone's head and figure out their thoughts and feelings... most times we are wrong.   I think many times it is projection.  We do tend to look at our own feelings and project them onto another person.     

[Green Thumb]

LC, your DIL took the opportunity to bash you because she is not a nice person. Of course I do not know her and say that based on your words. She didn't assume anything about you, she chose to be this way b/c of something inside of her. Ten years is a long time to be playing the hate game but many people enjoy doing this.

If one studies a person's words and actions, one can know who and how they are. It is not projecting if one watches and learns from reality, from what is and what is done. People tell us who they really are. It is our job to be attentive to what they are telling us and take it as it is not try to change it to fit our version of what should be. The world is full of selfish, mean, unhappy people who just want to spread their unhappiness to others.

[Lillycache]

I agree... and 10 years is a long time to be playing a game that the other person has no idea they are in that game... that is until they lose..

[love3]

There have been reasons why I take offense and find comments my mil makes as mean. To make it a little bit more clarifying....

-Comments about my baby's appearance and how he's like "her family " I take more to offense because she has made racist comments before towards me and my FOO and that is very unacceptable .

- She let her stranger friends around my baby who I don't even know or like(she knows this)! They are rude and disrespectful. I told her I did not want them around again, she said it wouldn't happen . She lied, they came around and I had to tell them off myself (it was not a pretty scene). This is also another reason why I don't let her babysit my baby. The ONE time I did let her babysit she had already tried to have her friends see my baby behind my back at her house. This was a HUGE red flag for me.  I cant trust her for anything.

-She managed to alienate her DH from his WHOLE family she has a problem with any women being in her DH or DS life , she is very selfish and insecure and IT SHOWS ( I catch her glaring at me  a lot when she thinks I'm not looking as well as other women) She also puts money higher than family , she values it more and looks down on people who are not rich like her big time , even her DS says this is the type of person she is . I'm done dealing with her snide remarks intended to be mean.  She and her DH do not even deserve a chance to be In my baby's life after everything evil she has done and said to my DH and my FOO . Its sad  there were a lot of things that I liked and found funny about my mil personality  (this is how I felt when I was dating my DH ) and we had a lot in common . But, she has said some very mean evil things before (that she never apologized for) that made me see her in that evil type of way. Its harder to forgive and let go especially if mil has not changed.  I cant believe that I have a mil like this who is narcissistic . Maybe she will one day,  but I HATE getting my hopes up with her and realizing she's never going to change so I will continue living my happy life with loved ones around my family and I.

Thank y'all! for letting me vent I love hearing your stories and thoughts

[jdtm]

 

I cant believe that I have a mil like this who is narcissistic .

Narcissus - maybe.  Evil - maybe.  Borderline Personality Disorder - maybe.  All three plus something else - probably.

There is a common quote - "a leopard never changes its spots" - I think the same applies to people.  Sometimes we have to accept "what is", and then move on with our mouths closed and a smile on our face. 

[Stilllearning]

There are three things I kept in mind when I had issues with my MIL (yes they were long ago but they did happen).

1) To point a finger at her I had to point three at me
2) If she got under my skin it was because I let her.
3) I was teaching my children how they (and their spouses) should treat me when they got married.

It was tough but in the long run it paid off.  Eventually she stopped prodding me about things.  She wanted grandchildren and I had real trouble conceiving.  I am really happy I did eventually manage a couple of children (both boys so I can be the MIL from down there! LOL).   When my mother died my MIL became my 'go to' person and I was really great-full to have her.  Dementia has since taken her away and left her shell.  I miss her.

[love3]

Still learning I will definitely keep those in mind,  I think it's alittle easier to deal with her KNOWING her words can't hurt me by the mean comments she makes towards me. BUT I will never let her cross the line that I have drawn for her.  It sucks it has to be this way,  but we all come across mean rude and bitter people, I'm just not used to FINDING ways to deal with one/her!

Thank you! all for the advice, it helps to know other people can relate to my situation and what I go through

[Lillycache]

Still learning I will definitely keep those in mind,  I think it's alittle easier to deal with her KNOWING her words can't hurt me by the mean comments she makes towards me. BUT I will never let her cross the line that I have drawn for her.  It sucks it has to be this way,  but we all come across mean rude and bitter people, I'm just not used to FINDING ways to deal with one/her!

Thank you! all for the advice, it helps to know other people can relate to my situation and what I go through

   I had a very good relationship with my late MIL... I loved her dearly  and I respected her..  BUT I can relate to having a DIL that hated me...  SO in some way... I completely understand the situation you are in.   Hugs to you...  hope you can navigate it better than mine did.     

[Pooh]

I understand too, as I really did have the "MIL" from hades the first time around that sounds a lot like yours.  I am lucky enough to have a really good one now.   Trust me, she gave me plenty of reasons to not deal with her, but now I can also see where my resentment of her over the big stuff caused me to get just as mad at her over the little things too.  I'm not excusing her behavior, I just wish I would have been in the place I am now to understand that, back then.  I would have saved myself a lot of self-grief.

My Mother looked at me the other day and went "Oh my goodness!  You are soooooo gray!" (It was 2 days before my hair coloring appointment).  I started laughing and said, "I know right?  It's your fault!  I inherited it from you!"  And then we laughed and laughed.  If my ex MIL had said the same thing, I would have bristled and took it as a put-down from her and probably smarted off.  The difference is when someone is rude to you most of the time, you take anything they say as bad.  But when my Mother says stuff like that, I don't think a thing about it.  I'll admit it.

[love3]

Lily C, I do respect my mil. But there came a point where I REALLY & TRULY hated her. I think it was just a phase and I was angry around that time. Now, I don't hate her , I only feel sorry for her that she cannot be happy . Hating her was NOT worth it and a waste of time. It only allowed her to have power over me. 

If you don't mind my asking why your dil hated you so much? Did you two have a disagreement where it blew up into bigger problems? Or was she truly one of those dil's who only wanted your ds for herself?

Pooh, I can TOTALLY admit that I don't take ANYTHING personally from my mom . The thing is , I put my mom on a VERY high pedastool. I consider her an angel from heaven above and I brag about her to everyone. That's why I could never understand how my dh mom could be like this! and it would frusterate me so much that she was the COMPLETE opposite , it was a big shock to me honestly.  But now its all about accepting and letting go .

[Lillycache]

Lily C, I do respect my mil. But there came a point where I REALLY & TRULY hated her. I think it was just a phase and I was angry around that time. Now, I don't hate her , I only feel sorry for her that she cannot be happy . Hating her was NOT worth it and a waste of time. It only allowed her to have power over me. 

If you don't mind my asking why your dil hated you so much? Did you two have a disagreement where it blew up into bigger problems? Or was she truly one of those dil's who only wanted your ds for herself?

Pooh, I can TOTALLY admit that I don't take ANYTHING personally from my mom . The thing is , I put my mom on a VERY high pedastool. I consider her an angel from heaven above and I brag about her to everyone. That's why I could never understand how my dh mom could be like this! and it would frusterate me so much that she was the COMPLETE opposite , it was a big shock to me honestly.  But now its all about accepting and letting go .

It doesn't really matter to me why my son's wife hated me. or hates me.  It is a nonissue for me now..  It mattered at one time.. but no longer does.. She is out of my life forever..

As for you loving your mother so.... and putting her on a pedestal... perhaps your future husband may feel that way about his mom?  Would that be so horrible and unfathomable?   He has shown you that he does not see the things you are seeing in his mom.. are you seeing her clearly..?? 

[Lillycache]

Lily C, I do respect my mil. But there came a point where I REALLY & TRULY hated her. I think it was just a phase and I was angry around that time. Now, I don't hate her , I only feel sorry for her that she cannot be happy . Hating her was NOT worth it and a waste of time. It only allowed her to have power over me. 

If you don't mind my asking why your dil hated you so much? Did you two have a disagreement where it blew up into bigger problems? Or was she truly one of those dil's who only wanted your ds for herself?

Pooh, I can TOTALLY admit that I don't take ANYTHING personally from my mom . The thing is , I put my mom on a VERY high pedastool. I consider her an angel from heaven above and I brag about her to everyone. That's why I could never understand how my dh mom could be like this! and it would frusterate me so much that she was the COMPLETE opposite , it was a big shock to me honestly.  But now its all about accepting and letting go .

It doesn't really matter to me why my son's wife hated me. or hates me.  It is a nonissue for me now..  It mattered at one time.. but no longer does.. She is out of my life forever..

As for you loving your mother so.... and putting her on a pedestal... perhaps your future husband may feel that way about his mom?  Would that be so horrible and unfathomable?   He has shown you that he does not see the things you are seeing in his mom.. are you seeing her clearly..??

Sorry.. I mixed you up with another poster.. I meant your husband...  not future husband..

at any rate,  I wish you well.   Situations like this are difficult.   There are no winners in things like this.  Just unhappiness and eventual resentment.   

[love3]

I'm sorry, I thought your dil was still in your life somehow... but sadly no my DH does not see his mom that way, he says she was always mean to him in his childhood saying hurtful things to him and that they never had a good relationship, although she did raise him. It's not something that makes me sneakily happy heck maybe if they did get along we wouldn't be in this situation! I see her clear in some ways but other parts no that's why I would think she had some type of  personality disorder.

[Lillycache]

I'm sorry, I thought your dil was still in your life somehow... but sadly no my DH does not see his mom that way, he says she was always mean to him in his childhood saying hurtful things to him and that they never had a good relationship, although she did raise him. It's not something that makes me sneakily happy heck maybe if they did get along we wouldn't be in this situation! I see her clear in some ways but other parts no that's why I would think she had some type of  personality disorder.

Well. Having a child, you will learn that's what kids do..   It's much easier to blame someone else for our problems or shortcomings, than to take responsibility.  There comes a time in life that we have to stop blaming mommy and put on our big boy pants.. Right?

[Lillycache]

In fact, I may have just had somewhat of an epiphany, although I have thought this before.  We love our boys.. we raised them, but let's face it..  sometimes boys (now men) are prone to not wanting to take the blame for anything.. especially from their wives.. so who better than to shift it on to mommy and let the wife think he is the way he is because he was raised by some crazy woman.  I know my son did this..  "I'm _________________ fill in the blank...  Because my mother never, always, didn't, wouldn't, would, did.. XYZ!     It was much easier than to accept any blame.. AND of course he had a willing and eager believer in his wife..  Because, it fit her agenda and what she wanted to believe.  So it's not always the DIL who is the whole fault..  I think our sons contribute to the problem by not being honest.. and owning their own behavior.