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Invitation in the Mail

Started by Green Thumb, June 26, 2015, 05:42:36 pm

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Green Thumb

June 26, 2015, 05:42:36 pm Last Edit: June 26, 2015, 06:00:45 pm by luise.volta
My middle semi alienated AD is getting married in the Fall.  This AD has a mental illness and is not nice to me (really she will act nice for a while but has a history of huge blowups and ending of relationships with people). She does not like it when I stand up to her bullying of me and refuse to allow her to say the cruel things she has said to me. We are low contact (LC) per my choice. I have kinda given up, frankly, just be polite and protect myself from her.

Here's the deal, I am invited to the wedding. I am not invited or asked to participate in any of the planning, payment, etc. --although in all honesty I live 4 hours away and they all live closer to each other. Now I get an invitation from the groom's mother to a wedding shower in another state several thousand miles away, must fly/stay in hotel, rent a car, if going.

My ED has not called or texted me about this or mentioned it in any manner. It just came in the mail from the groom's mother.

I figure this is a courtesy invitation, they do not expect me to attend. Can't attend anyway, money is an issue and absolutely can't take time off work at party time. I am thinking it best to not respond and say I never got the invite nor was told about this by AD. Best way to protect myself is to play dumb and dumber otherwise I am the person who chooses not to attend b/c I do not love them. (Alot of the alienation is caused by their alcoholic, mentally ill, & narcissistic father who will be at this party playing "the great guy" and criticizing me.)

Running this by you wise women. Its not the honest approach, I know.


When my DIL invited me to a baby shower and I knew that I would absolutely hate going I sent a present and an apology note about why I could not go.  She accepted the apology and there were no long lasting ill feelings on either side.  I think she knew how I felt and I also think she agreed with my sentiments.  I did not want to be there and she did not want me to attend.  Sending the present was just an easy way out.  I hope you find a solution that works out as well!!  Good luck!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Hi, Greenie - -

I too would not go to the shower a thousand miles away -  ( Also it is improper for a family member to host a shower.  Family members can host weddings and birthday parties, but it is an etiquette violation for a family member to host a shower.  Gives the appearance of grubbing for gifts, even if that is not the case.  But that's another topic. . . )

Anyway, even if you were on good terms with your daughter, it would be an imposition to expect you to travel such a distance for a preliminary party.  So definitely don't go.  But don't pretend you didn't get the invitation.   I think StillLearning has the best solution - Send a modest gift with a nice card, expressing your best wishes and let the hostess know you will not be able to attend.   You do not need to give a reason with your response to the invitation - - just "I regret I will be unable to attend the shower, but I look forward to seeing you all at the wedding."   Short, sweet, gracious, but no JADEing. 

Frankly, I am on great terms with my daughter, who lives far away, and I don't believe I would travel more than a few hours by car for a shower in her honor.  When I visit her, i want to spend time with HER - - not sipping tea with a bunch of other women I don't know.  So where this idea came from that friends and family of the bride must travel not only for the big day, but also for pre-parties is beyond me. 

Quote from: Green Thumb on June 26, 2015, 05:42:36 pm

. . . .their alcoholic, mentally ill, & narcissistic father who will be at this party playing "the great guy" and criticizing me. . . . .

WWU is a great site for issues with our family members.  If your ex is narcissistic and mentally ill, you might benefit from another very positive, constructive site for people dealing with others who have personality disorders.  It is called Out of the Fog.  You might find it very helpful in having to cope with him and anyone else in your life who has a personality disorder.

Best wishes, Greenie - but do what Sill says and you will be above reproach. 

Green Thumb

I realized you both are right. I hand wrote a short note to the grooms mother thanking her and declining and mentioning meeting her at the wedding. Gave her my cell and email addy. Will give a wedding gift at another time. Have not figured out what gift, yet. It's hard when you don't really know them any longer and the more contact you have with them, the uglier they act!


I am trying to picture being the bride-to-be at a shower or wedding and opening a present from a mother who is not there. I would think that might be a bit awkward. I would send the gift or check directly to the bride at her home rather than make it a public issue, along with a personal apology. And, make sure you let her know that you just can't afford it.