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Hi all.

Started by worriedmum1234, June 14, 2010, 06:16:15 PM

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worriedmum1234

 :'(

My son is 19 years old, he has anxiety disorder with social phobia, and only leaves the house, to go to his appointments. Over the years he has lost family including his father in 1994.  But lately things are going so much more wrong, he has lost his temper and raised his fist to hit me..

I myself suffer with an auto-immune problem and I'm currently on steroids, he even starts arguments when Ive been in pain...he is under a learning disability adviser, and they are currently looking into moving him out. I'm just so upset over all this...

cremebrulee

Quote from: worriedmum1234 on June 14, 2010, 06:16:15 PM
:'(

My son is 19 years old, he has anxiety disorder with social phobia, and only leaves the house, to go to his appointments. Over the years he has lost family including his father in 1994.  But lately things are going so much more wrong, he has lost his temper and raised his fist to hit me..

I myself suffer with an auto-immune problem and I'm currently on steroids, he even starts arguments when Ive been in pain...he is under a learning disability adviser, and they are currently looking into moving him out. I'm just so upset over all this...

I am so so sorry you are dealing with this and sending warm hugs....I have a girlfriend who has a down syndrom child who is in his 30's.  He's a big kid, and they couldn't handle him, so they enrolled him in a supervised home for grown men with the same problems.  They are very confident with the facility and they're son is very happy, however, I will tell you, she has suffered, feeling the guilt of having to make that decission...I always try to reassure her that she most cerrtainly did the right thing....he used to grab the steering wheel while they were driving with him....he gets excited and hits hard....he's very tough to handle...and could really hurt someone....

I know your upset and do understand....I'm wondering if they are doing anything about it.  Did you tell them he tried to hit you?  I believe you need to get him into a specified establishment, to assist with maybe meds and help for him....

worriedmum1234

Hi

He has told his adviser that its getting to the point of being serious, and that's why there trying to find him somewhere to live away from his own home, this may settle things down. The thing is his lovely, he has a really nice side to him, but his very troubled inside. He doesn't drink, smoke,or take drugs, very sensible lad except for all this going on.

I'm thinking of going for counseling for obvious reasons. To try and make some sense of all this...its breaking my heart :(

cremebrulee

Quote from: worriedmum1234 on June 15, 2010, 07:18:01 AM
Hi

He has told his adviser that its getting to the point of being serious, and that's why there trying to find him somewhere to live away from his own home, this may settle things down. The thing is his lovely, he has a really nice side to him, but his very troubled inside. He doesn't drink, smoke,or take drugs, very sensible lad except for all this going on.

I'm thinking of going for counseling for obvious reasons. To try and make some sense of all this...its breaking my heart :(

I think counseling would be a great idea to help you thru this present trama....
and I'm sending a whole lot of good vibes, thoughts and prayers because, right now, it seems despairing, but in the end, everything always has a way of working out, so keep the faith and stay positive....hugs Creme

Pen

WM, I'm sorry you are going through this. While my DD's situation isn't exactly the same as your DS's, we've dealt with similar things. She's currently living in a group home, has had her meds adjusted and is doing well. We must constantly watch her reactions and continue to adjust as necessary - what worked last year or even last month may suddenly change.

As for your health, autoimmune disorders are not helped by stress, so getting your DS settled away from your home is probably best. He's at an age when young men should be thinking of living away from mom, so it's appropriate timing. I hope you and he can find the proper home. I began to heal when DD moved out. As much as we love to see her when she visits, I can't imagine going back to 24/7 caregiving.

Best wishes to you and your son. Take care.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

worriedmum1234

 :)

Thank you for all your kind words, today I'm feeling a little better, but am craving so much peace ATM.

My son has calmed down, but I still cant hide the fact to him that he hurt me inside by raising his fist.



Before his father died years ago, that's what his father used to do(raise his fist when it got to tough)

That is sticking in my mind, will take a while to shift that thought. I didn't realize that after all these years how life could repeat itself...just have to hope they find him somewhere soon..:)

luise.volta

We can't change anything but we're in your corner and you are in our prayers. I, too, feel you need an advocate. A really good counselor...someone in your corner. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

Worried, my hope for you is that the best placement for your DS comes along ASAP! I'm visualizing it right now :)

Take care of yourself as well. Best wishes.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Faithlooksup

Dear Friend,  I do think it is best that your son does move out, for he needs to get better and apparently he is not at home.  No offense taken-please.  You both need your space and time to heal and being under the same roof is not providing that.  Let your son go---let him get better and you do the same...He will be in good hands.
With Love,
someone who cares.

Tara

Dear Worried Mom,

I can see how tough it would be for you.  The ww here have lots of good suggestions  and sounds like you have a plan.
Will be thinking of you and hoping for a speedy resolution.  Agree with everyone and what Creme said that it is painful
now, but you will be more at peace in the future when son has his own place and you can recover a bit.


Tara

Julia,

Sounds like a risky situation for you. 
If you have insurance can you find a really good therapist that knows about adolescence?
also, I don't know if they have them anymore, but there used to be tough love groups for parents.
maybe one in your area or something similar. 

I concur with Rose, what is the situation with your husband interms of boundary setting and not tolerating
this behavior from your children?

Is there etoh and / or drugs involved?

Take care

Tara

Faithlooksup

Dear Julia,  I must agree with the other postings--PLEASE THIS MUST STOP NOW!!!!!!!  Do not allow this to continue enough is enough!!!    Its called "Tough Love" and he must go--NOW...  Its called abuse--an how much of this are you going to take--will it finially STOP when someone really gets hurt, and then it may be to late.
Its you house its time to call the shots--he needs help.  Call the Police, sign a restraining order on him--committ him if possible as well.
No this is not mean, he needs help and he is not gettting it living under your roof.
Their is a book out called BOUNDARIES by: Henry Cloud/John Townsend~~please pick up a copy of this and read it.
Please Julia, be strong and do the right thing....You are in my prayers along with millions of HUGS...
Faith

LaurieS

Quoteauthor=Julia
The mother in me can't say no to him asking to come home for the weekend.      I do believe he has a form of narcissm dictates the way he is.   
Here may be where the problem lies.  The mother in you?  No, if he comes home and chooses to be a disruptive guest then you need to say no.  At some point you need to set some boundaries, this is the perfect chance.  Remember Nancy Reagan's saying? "Just Say No".. No, it's not a good weekend. No,I'm ill, or you can be perfectly honest and tell him, No you're exhausted from his bad behavior and you don't want to deal with it.

Julia, don't make excuses for your son's behavior, while it's fine if you are explaining to the board what makes your son tick, but is it possible that you are supplying excuses and motivation for your son to continue.  Has your son ever been held accountable for his actions? 

When your daughter age 14 threw a glass of water in your face, what did you do?  If I read you right, you blamed your son's behavior for the choices your daughter made, and chances are there were no consequences. 

Quote from: JuliaI don't only hate the nasty personalities they have but i hate the way they treat my husband and I
If you and your husband do not stand firm concerning how you will tolerate being treated then how will your kids understand and learn your boundaries?  Until they can respect your boundaries, I would imagine that they would have a hard time respecting their own, or even themselves.

You don't love your kids less, by loving yourself a little more.

luise.volta

Beautiful one-liner, L.! "You don't love your kids less, by loving yourself a little more."
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Faithlooksup

Hi Julia,  Is their anyway that your sons doctor would be able to explain "Your Terms and Boundaries" to your son before he comes home for a visit?  And if he simply does not respect them then he is not allowed to visit at all.  No, this is not being mean its simply teaching him to control his actions and behavior.... And I do hope his Doctors are helping him.....