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being excluded

Started by raindrops_on_my_soul, July 04, 2015, 08:34:11 am

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Just taking a moment to vent again, which I occasionally do to keep my wits about me. I just want to say that it would've been nice to have gotten any in-laws that desired some kind of relationship with me. Isn't the case with my oldest sons wife, youngest sons wife, or my husbands family. None of them have shown me anything but mostly a hard time. No phone calls just to chat, no plans ever of any kind. Not that I expect that anymore, I don't. But on days like today, holidays.....I can't help but think it. My youngest sons wife, who is much older than him, used to include me early on in their marriage. But then as I have said before, she became very rude and all that stopped after I assume what she thought of as a certain amount of time had passed after they got married and she no longer felt like it was something she should do. They had a big family get together yesterday to celebrate the 4th because my son had to work today. Not a word of it was mentioned to me until it was over last night, when my son told me about it, as if there was nothing unusual about it. My in-laws through my husband  have never included me in on anything unless he was able to attend with me. I never understood that, why my being included relied on him being able to go as well. If he has a disagreement with them, they think it is because I put him up to it or I am putting ideas in his head. When I try being involved in my sons lives I am monopolizing their time. If they fight about something, well it must be because I raised them wrong. I just don't get it, where and how people come up with these things, and what the motivation to exclude and isolate is. I will deal with it though, and put it behind me, as I always have.


Sometimes I think, silly us...to 'expect' respect. How ridiculous! I like the helpful concept that were we choosing a friend, we would never make such a choice.  Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Green Thumb

I am sorry, I also know about being excluded or isolated. All we can do is be the best person we can be and let the others go. Focus on what makes you happy, learn a new skill or hobby, etc. We can't expect people to be any way other than what they are.


bad enough not to be included but why did your son have to tell you about it the next day?  rubbing it in or just clueless?
i live through this too - sending you good wishes.   stay strong! 


Honestly, I would like to think that your son is just "clueless".  Our son's wives also included us early in their lives but as time goes on, they become busier with their children, work and friends, and we become less able to "entertain" (shall we say).  In my case, I know that one of our DILs thinks that we prefer to be alone - she does not "get it" that we are not as able to host large gatherings as we did in their earlier years of marriage.  Frankly, I did not "get it" either when my MIL informed her family that she would not be hosting any more holiday dinners (she had just turned 70).  Now, that I am closer to being "that" age, I get it.

And, in both our sons' cases, they consider holiday gatherings a chore, a burden.  Sometimes, I think they feel they are doing us a "favour" when holidays with us bypassed.  Or maybe I'm just looking for an excuse for them to ease my pain.  Whatever - at least your son contacts you.  Many of us here do not even have that.


Thank you for the responses ladies. Gettingoldandcranky, that's a good question. I think alot of it is just him having been programmed not to rock the boat for the sake of "keeping the peace". The danger in that of course is where does one draw the line, in order to keep peace but not become a trained monkey without a voice, you know what I mean? Jdtm, yeah I do understand people get older and aren't able to do the same things they once did. If only it were that simple I could certainly understand it and would not hold that against them. But they did have the get together, which I have always been invited to in the past. I truly believe she included me early on to make some kind of appearance of being "nice". Then as time went on she became more and more annoyed and rude anytime I went by to visit. The mask fell off so to speak. Now it has come down to this, so I only go by to see him when she isn't home  to avoid putting her through enduring me for 30 minutes. I just shake my head and think to myself how ridiculous it has all become. But yes, I do hear from both of my sons and for I am grateful.


For me it often boils down to having people be how they are...whether I understand or not. I end up knowing I can't make sense of the senseless. My perceptions can't go there. I look at many relationships including some of my own and wonder...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Oh Rain - I was hoping ....  Your description is similar to that of our elder son's first wife.  Bit by bit she excluded us - as well as our son's friends, neighbours and all of his relatives.  It was awful as she wanted nothing to do with any of us.  She did not even bother to attend the funerals of two of her husband's grandparents.  Our son became estranged from all of us - it was devastating.  Eventually she left our son and abandoned her children. 

Several years have passed and we continue to try to "put our family" back together again.  Our son has remarried; the kids are gradually becoming "normal" (shall we say).  Many holidays we continue to spend alone and we see our family - well, not that often.  It was not/is not easy ....  And it is not fair ...


My story is identical, except that they told me when I suggested a barbecue that they were going out of town for the 4th...and then posted Facebook photos of a big family gathering in their back yard. Ouch! Holidays are the hardest, as a grandmother, to be excluded. I think of all the memories I won't be a part of. I've started developing my own traditions with friends. It's not the same.