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Have learned some things, but questions remain.

Started by CLGH, April 15, 2015, 04:00:42 AM

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Pen

Here's an interesting twist on the whole gift thing:

It turns out that my DS/DIL have been giving DIL's DM & I the same gifts for certain holidays. DIL makes sure I know this and what her DM's reaction is. Sometimes DIL's DM doesn't like the gift and asks for something else instead. DS/DIL are OK with that! And here I've been thrilled just to get anything from them, lol. It's odd, it seems kind of a put down towards me that I graciously accept what is now seen as a "bad" gift by DIL's DM.  Of course they don't tell me until I've thanked them for the gift.

I can't imagine what would be said if I pulled the same maneuver as DIL's DM...it's just not in my nature or upbringing, I guess, to be ungrateful or picky. Perhaps I should learn?? DIL's DM certainly gets whatever she wants whenever she wants it!


Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

The inequity seems to continue even when morphing into different forms. It's like you need to be reminded of your status or lack thereof by DIL. You did not produced a Princess, nor were you one, and Queen status will never be granted. I know how hard it must be to have to live with that and keep reminding yourself that it has absolutely nothing to do with you. Truth, Pen...IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! Your son made his choice which was his right and it was, is, may always be, a package deal. How ridiculous...yet ever-present. Sending love...lots of love...in big bunches!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

dedicatedmom

I have not posted on this site for some time because I've just been too heartsick and sickened by myself that I am stuck in the same pain after 7 years. When I finally told my DH I'd had enough of his drinking my 3 DD's were 26, 23, 19, away at college, and my DS was 25. It was complicated years of confusion in my head about whether I should not like his drinking and hiding it from the kids as best I could. I really, really was a good mom. I did everything I was supposed to do and more. I came last and that was ok with me. I found out that he met with my kids behind my back (I read his e mails) and told them I was mentally ill, talking about divorce and my oldest daughter actually responded like she believed him. I moved out and e mailed all of my children the truth about everything, let them know how disappointed I was that they stabbed me in the back with their father. They have kept me at a distance and ostracized me every since. I have cried, begged, moved away to family for comfort, came back and still they treat me so cold. The oldest has my 3 GK's lives in our own and I have to contact her and ask to see them and she'll give me an appointment sometimes weeks away. I bring dinner and she barely talks to me, treats me like I'm beneath her. The YD was a very tough teenager and I got her through many of her antics when she was trying to derail her life, having sex with a dropout, finding out she was huffing, she refused to share her grades with us, one thing after the other. Of course DH let me take all the falls. She is about to be 27 and she has not talked to me for years and last Mother's Day was my birthday also and I tried to contact her and somewhat harshly told her it hurt and that I saw her through everything and she just replied that I was an incompetent unloving mother. Just means words to make me feel bad and it worked. DD # 2 got engaged last September and I found out from my sister in another state because she saw it on Facebook. I waited a few days and finally called her and congratulated her and it was like I was calling an acquaintance. I got one e mail link from her explaining her wedding plans in October. Nothing after that and at Christmas they all got together and excluded me. For the first time in my life I spent Christmas alone. A friend invited me to her house and it made me feel worse. I was in shell shock. My DS did nothing. He wanted to come see me before he left town but I was in too much pain and he didn't understand it. By January I e mailed me DD #2 asking about her dress, offered to contribute to it. Asked if she sent Save The Dates. Did I need to make my own hotel arrangements. She just responded nothing about what I asked but lodging was up to me. By February I contacted her and said why was I not good enough, were we not rich enough? Ignored.  By March 18 of this year after trying to call all 3 of my daughters and try to reach out, they ignored me. I got so upset I just showed up at my health provider mental health and they took me in and arranged for me to see someone that day and I left with antidepressants and a therapist. I've been seeing a therapist since about every 2 weeks and it has helped. Out of the blue this weekend I get an e mail from the DD #2 telling me that it seems that I e mail her to hurt her, that there are people coming from out of town for her wedding and she needed to be present and that I need to show her over the next few months that I can be a guest without causing her hurt. I couldn't believe it; I responded as best I could asking how does she expect me to feel when they treat me like I don't exist. No response so now I've HURT her again. It's so painful. She ruined my weekend and I feel like dying again. I'm alone struggling financially because our divorce happened during the bad economy and I had quit my job from depression and left for Chicago to see my FOO for a while because my DM was dying from Alzheimer's. After she died I came back here and have really tried to fit in with them but they do not love me. My ex has criticized me about everything and like him they blame me for everything. I too have sent cards and money and gifts unacknowledged and after Christmas this year I have not. I did not get a call from any of my daughters on Mother's Day nor my birthday the next day. My DS came to visit but it is an elephant in the room with him and he doesn't want to hear from me about it. I am 64 how long can I grieve this. I've tried to seek relationships but I can't explain this to anyone. I have friends who help but they don't understand, they saw me as a parent and know I was a good mom. I feel worthless and yet they don't even care. This site has helped me, even though I haven't felt up to posting I get so much from yours.

luise.volta

All I know to do, DM, is to send you love and encourage you to work closely with your therapist. It sounds like you held everything together by covering up the drinking and when you faced that, no one could accept the truth and you were the scapegoat. I may be wrong but if that's true, the sooner you step out of abuse the sooner you will start to heal. You can't fix it or change them...but you can turn toward healing yourself. From what I have read here, I think Al Anon would be supportive, too.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

dedicatedmom

Thank you Louise for your words of support and wisdom. I spent 6 years in Al Anon before I finally left my husband. I think it might help but kind of dread drudging up old feelings. It's like being in a dark hole. I want out. I'll try anything. I have rescue dogs, 3 of them, they give me a reason to go on. Sounds silly I know but we get comfort where we can I guess.

luise.volta

My experience is that dogs, at least mine, love unconditionally. They never judge. Mine has pulled me out of many a dark hole. Right now, it's getting a pacemaker at age 88. She's always there for me. Three Rescue dogs! What a blessing...well, three blessings!  :) :) :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Green Thumb

I was like you in many ways. I covered up the ex's drinking and drug use until I could not any longer. I put up with his disrespect and his ignoring of the children. And when we first separated, the AC were all angry that he was calling them when incoherent and crazy. But guess what, like you, I am now the ostracized one. The ex has a new wife, they are both narcissists, and the new wife's AC are not around so she has made my AC "HER" children. They treat her better than me! I had to move away from the little town we lived in as it was too much seeing him drunk/high around places of having people telling me how they saw him such and such a place. Yet, he is now the two AC "best friend and hero" according to their Facebook (I closed mine as this kind of stuff broke my heart). It is not fair. I was also the "good mother" and kept things in place for so long. I think there is a back lash when the "good parent" stops the juggling act and lets the plates hit the ground. We become the cause of the problem because we dropped the plates.  I think what we did was natural but at the same time, our covering up and denial opened the door for more manipulation and the alienation that the alcoholic brought into our lives after the divorce. Please know you are not alone. It is not about you, and you have to realize this is not about how you were as a mother or anything. Does this make sense, it is not about you personally, it is about the scum you married and his desire to do harm to you. Some of your kids also have substance abuse problems and this is a toxic situation and usually creates crap and manipulation towards the parents. No matter what, divorce or no divorce. Their behavior is about their substance abuse issues, and their nasty behavior. Not about you. I have read that alcoholism is a disease of self centered people, they are all about themselves and their pain and don't care that it impacts others. You might do some internet reading on narcissism. Where I am now, is detaching. And yes, I feel like a stranger to three of my four AC. But I examined this recently and realized it is better this way. Better to not care how little they care about me, better to just be polite and friendly when invited, if invited, and reserved and detached on the inside. Otherwise, it eats you up inside, causes depression. And frankly, I do not want to be depressed. I like feeling happier inside. I like owning my own power and not giving it to my AC or ex to dictate how my life goes. Dr Josua Coleman says women often have a difficult time letting go of the title of mother, the role of mother, and he is so right.  Once I gave up this role in my head, the title I loved, I felt more peace. It is okay, life is about change and my mothering days are over. Time to focus on me and like you, improving my bad career that tanked in the recession. Blessings and prayers to you.

dedicatedmom

Gosh we have similar stories and the pain so tough to deal with at times. I would like to blame substance abuse but only the Ex was the alcohol abuser. I know the youngest one that experimented with huffing as a teen likes to drink and that worries me. It's all out of our hands. When something comes up like my daughter e mailing me this weekend it is hard to get back to feeling ok again; somehow I end up beating myself up. Luckily I do like my therapist and he mentioned recently that as drinkers are self centered they don't particularly care about others around them and that perhaps my daughters absorbed from him my unimportance in the family, that as he drank more and I became less tolerant he distanced himself from me. I don't know, I feel like this is something that I will have to live with forever and if I think that it is overwhelming so I am really trying to live in the present. Thank you so much for your kind words of support. This is a wonderful forum. ;)

Stilllearning

It is so unfair that all of you are put in this situation!  I cannot help but think that the entire time you were raising your children they knew that you loved them and were proud of them.  As wonderful mothers you let them know and they have also always known that they could depend on you if they needed you.  Your spouses, well that was a different story.  So your children grew up missing the love and approval that they did not get from your spouse.  Enter the great divorce.....

Now your ex has actively enlisted your AC in his attempts to hurt you.  He has turned them against you and has started giving them the approval they have wanted their whole lives, that is as long as they agree with him.  You cannot hold it against your AC.  For the first time in forever they are basking in the glory of their father's loving gaze and it will take them a while to figure out what has happened, if they ever do.  You cannot point out this strategy without making yourself out to be somewhat less than competent.  So what do you do?

You find something that makes you happy and you focus on it.  You spend your time discovering things you enjoy and start doing them more often.  You did an excellent job raising your children and now it is time to trust that the things you taught them will rise to the top and they will see things clearly.  Get on with your life and remember that any ill feelings you hold toward someone else will eat at the joy and health in your life.  Life is too short to let that man you kicked to the side affect your happiness any longer.  Hugs!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

dedicatedmom

Thank you Stilllearning, I hadn't thought about that - their Dad was pretty emotionally absent, more involved with his drinking and constant computer use. He was addicted to games. I had spoken to him so many times that he should show our girls more affection, of course he never listened to me. It makes sense that now hey have his attention. I just feel that by now they should see through him. His health is failing because of his bad habits and now they feel sorry for him. I really am glad that I can come to a place that understands my situation; it's such a dark place and it's always with me. :'(