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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


No Win deal

Started by Monroe, May 26, 2015, 09:09:50 pm

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Monroe

Quote from: Green Thumb on June 09, 2015, 04:22:16 pm

I am learning so much from all of you. Practicing detachment for those grandchildren yet to be born who will not know me. Acceptance and not expecting anything or more love.


This is why I am hoping my DS and DIL do not have children.  They live far away, we don't see him much, but we would see him even less if they had kids.  And I don't believe we would be allowed much of a relationship with any GCs.  DIL is already very territorial regarding DS (who was MY baby) - I imagine she would be even more possessive of HER babies.)   So I'd rather not have GCs at all than to have GCs I don't know and at the same time see LESS of our own son. 

Pen

I, too, am apprehensive about how GC will affect our family. Way back when DH & DIL were planning the wedding I allowed myself to think about the joys of being a GM in the future. Now I can be fairly sure that we will be the "left behind" GPs...DIL has said as much. Her FOO will be more exciting to GC (money, big house, expensive toys, pool, vacations, etc.)

DH & I will not be able to compete on that level. Our wonderful attributes are more subtle and less shallow, but I think the big splashy attractions will win out at least until the GC are older.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Stilllearning

Oh pen, do not despair!!  We are the poorer grands but we do the cooler things!  We camp.  We canoe.  We play outside and have fires!  The other GP have lots of money and indoor stuff so they have their own niche and so do we!!  Do crafts, go fishing, go to the park, fly a kite.  There are so many things that build relationships that have nothing to do with money and trust me, there are a lot of rich kids out there who would rather have some real time with their grands than anything else!

My Dad's family was wealthy but when I went there they had very little to do with me except shop.  They were sweet and took good care of me but my Mom's mom, who did not even have running water, she was the grandparent's lap I ran to get in and beg for her to sing an old song I remembered and Mom's Dad told the coolest stories!  I have often thought I should write a book of Daday's stories!!  And he could not even read!  Trust me, money isn't everything and even little children know it!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Things happens

Pen,

Listen to Stilllearning, while money might be nice. You have something you could give future grandkids that money can't buy, it is unconditional love, giving it to them and teaching them about it. There are so many fun things that you can do without money for all age groups. I can still remember why my aunts kids wondered why we loved going over my Fathers Mothers house, their other grandparents had money and gave them everything but love. At my Nana's house she gave us unconditional love and taught us many things, and on top of that she was legally blind. And I was really blessed because both Nana's where flick poor, but I would not change that for the world. Oh the memories, picture a slightly overweight gray haired woman who is legally blind teaching the grand kids how to slide down her banister properly.

Pooh

Quote from: Stilllearning on June 11, 2015, 09:58:47 am
Oh pen, do not despair!!  We are the poorer grands but we do the cooler things!  We camp.  We canoe.  We play outside and have fires!  The other GP have lots of money and indoor stuff so they have their own niche and so do we!!  Do crafts, go fishing, go to the park, fly a kite.  There are so many things that build relationships that have nothing to do with money and trust me, there are a lot of rich kids out there who would rather have some real time with their grands than anything else!

My Dad's family was wealthy but when I went there they had very little to do with me except shop.  They were sweet and took good care of me but my Mom's mom, who did not even have running water, she was the grandparent's lap I ran to get in and beg for her to sing an old song I remembered and Mom's Dad told the coolest stories!  I have often thought I should write a book of Daday's stories!!  And he could not even read!  Trust me, money isn't everything and even little children know it!


^^^^THIS

Same here.  My favorite Grandparents didn't have money barely to pay their bills.  They were farmers and worked from sunup to sundown every day to make ends meet.  My favorite memories are those they created by "doing things", not buying things.  I got to play in the mud while watering the garden, climb the green apple tree and drop them down to Grandpa, go barefooted, sit on the front porch in the evenings singing songs while Grandma held the mason jar so I could run around and catch lightening bugs or while we broke beans, and we laughed...oh we laughed.  I still miss them every day.

I can't tell you a thing about my other Grandma except sitting in her living room and not being allowed to touch anything.  Sounds ugly, but I don't miss her because I dreaded even going to visit.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pen

I completely agree! I think we're the cool ones because we do the most interesting, most fun things...but I'm not sure DIL thinks so.

All we can do is be ourselves and hope for the best, with no expectations.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Lillycache

I was very close to my Grandmother... BUT she was my mother's mother.. I really only saw my father's mother a few times a year.   My maternal grandmother didn't like my paternal grandmother.  Sadly, I didn't put two and two together, or think it was such a universal problem for paternal grandparents, that I had big expectations when my son and DIL has children.   I was SOOOOO going to have the same wonderful relationship with my grandchildren as I did with my grandmother.

Of course that was not to be.   The fact remains  (I realize this is generalizing, but it seems to be true more than not) that when your daughter has children, they are like YOUR children.  Your daughter will trust you more, and pay more attention to your opinions.   When your SON has children... we must keep in mind that these kids belong to another woman.  Period.   They are another woman's kids and even though we claim the same genetic link to them, we are not afforded the same importance as the maternal GM.    It's only OUR expectation and our DILs are under no obligation to meet them..   I know this is a bitter pill for many who come here... however, it must be accepted and accepted gracefully.   

shiny

LC, this is so true in my case!

It's been a slow, painful journey for me - still working on accepting it, but's there's light at the end of the tunnel ...

Lillycache

I think we paternal GMs need to come to grips with this reality.  However, once we do, we are often accused of being distant, uncaring and unloving.  It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.  Want to be involved and accepted we are considered intrusive and interfering... Once we STOP wanting to, we are cold and self-centered as I am now accused of.   It comes down to doing what causes us the most pain and makes us the happiest.   I know I am happier now that  I have distanced myself from that emotional roller coaster.  So it's not important to me any longer what my DIL thinks or says.   


luise.volta

The hardest thing I had to learn in the sequence of events you so accurately describe, L., was that none it it had anything to do with me. It originated in the perceptions of another and was about her. For way too long, I tried to determine what I could do to change, so she would no longer discount me. I kept trying to find new ways to accommodate. Of course, what followed was that she found new ways to discount me to support her perceptions.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

shiny

Luise, sooo glad for your wise comment!

Because after much soul-searching as to what I did wrong or am doing, and not discovering any earth-shattering issue, I have nothing left to do but believe DIL's reluctant relationship with me is about her, not me.
However, I keep going back to how and why DS doesn't mediate and try to sort it out ...
He's always had close connection with me but now, it seems, he's not even aware of the tension.
I'm weary of this nonsense.

luise.volta

S., perhaps he has to make her right to keep from having to see he made a wrong choice? Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama