No Win deal

[shiny]

GT and Monroe, I agree with both of your posts!
The possibility of dealing with a 'trophy' DIL is very real, now that you've mentioned it.
From the very few times I've been around DIL's DM, have noticed that she still tells her everything to do. hmmm.
Nope, I wasn't a helicopter parent either. DH and I raised our kids to be independent and we're grateful for that.
Recently read an article about young adults contemplating marriage should take a deep look into their prospective mate's family, because the mate will always carry his/her family within them. IOW, they will bring how were raised into the marriage -- good traits and not-so-good ones.
My point is, if DIL was raised to be inconsiderate, insecure, whathaveyou, then I can understand that.
What I can't understand is why my DS allows this behavior when he was not raised this way?
I keep going back to him -- how HE can let it continue?
Seems to me DIL would want to be friendly and kind to her DH's family if she knows that would make him happy and bring peace?
All of the comments in this thread have helped me make some tremendous progress in past few days.
(Love Maya's quote, Monroe, cause it's true!)
Appreciate you all.

Luise, I've missed your presence here! Thanks for your comments!

[Monroe]

thanks shiny and monroe.
my end game is playing out now - i hope i finally get it.
  i have a medical test scheduled and my ds did not call to offer caring or support.  dil wrote an email -" good job keeping up on things - let us know how it goes."  signed it "regards".  no love sent, no call received.
this should be my bowing out moment.  i need to stay strong. 

Hi Goldie - thinking of you, hope you are doing OK.  Let us know.  Not that you want to be that schoolmate chasing the cool kids, either, but I will simply observe that you got an encouraging email from your DIL.   Probably more than Shiny and I ever got.   She asked, so let her know how it went, and then bow out - drop the rope, get busy with life.   Volunteer groups - walks in park - what do you like to do?   Are you retired?   Still punching the time clock?  You have lots to offer - go where  you are appreciated.  You don't have to cut them off, but drop the rope.  Make them wonder.   (I've been playing hard-to-get with my kids for years.  They have yet to notice.     )

Lilly and Pen - how are you both doing? 

[Monroe]

What I can't understand is why my DS allows this behavior when he was not raised this way?
I keep going back to him -- how HE can let it continue?

SEX

[Monroe]

Seems to me DIL would want to be friendly and kind to her DH's family if she knows that would make him happy and bring peace?

I agree.  DH and I visit his VERY elderly (and sweet as pie) widowed father every week.  DH cannot go in the middle of the week, as FIL is asleep before DH finishes work and dinner.  So I go mid-week every week, to make it not so long in-between visits.   FIL and I have a good relationship, and what I do for FIL is SOOOOOOO appreciated by DH.  I am getting back WAY more than I give. 

[shiny]

Monroe! This is hilarious!!

Guess I'm living under a rock since this never occurred to me.  Duh...

[Monroe]

Monroe! This is hilarious!!

Guess I'm living under a rock since this never occurred to me.  Duh...

Yes, Shiny, and you are never going to compete with DIL in THAT arena - or we will have to call the authorities!   

When they think with the little head, logic and fairness have no place.   

[luise.volta]

Very astute observation, M.!

In addition to M.'s diagnosis, she is his choice and priority. We have to let go of 'whys' and trying to make sense of the senseless. They are adults and have created a new family unit and get to make up their own rules. She gets to sign' 'regards' if she chooses and be herself. Parents are often on the outside looking in. Our job is done,  we did our best and some us get left behind. I did.

[shiny]

Luise, thanks for the 'hard-hitting' truth, and the 'bottom-line' reminder! It sums it up!

I agree with all your statements, and totally get it.
The part I'm wrestling with?

"They are adults and have created a new family unit ..."

And their family unit now consists of DS, DIL, and 'her' FOO.

If it were the same for both family sides, I could accept easier.
But it's not, and having a hard time swallowing this bitter pill.

Am working on it though, while gagging, hoping it will go down ...

[luise.volta]

Yes, that was what stopped me in my tracks, too. After DS and DIL created a separate, adult unit...they erased us and chose to deify her FOO. No logic was involved and no resolution. I had to go though what was real for me. The fact that DS allowed it for ANY reason was heartless betrayal and abandonment. That was my experience. It shook my world; the injustice and coldness of it took me down dark roads into rage and then despair. I believe most of us have to go through those feelings to transcend them and survive. Sending you all good things this Sunday morning.

[shiny]

Blessings back to you, Luise! (and EVERY morning!)

[Lillycache]

No matter how much time passes.. and no matter how much we accept the situation, the unfairness of it sometimes jumps up to bite you..   My son came over today with the grandkids.   The little one will be 5 next week.  He is counting how many "get ups" he has left until his birthday party.   I had a cake for him today.. and I gave him a present.. but he asked me if I was coming to his REAL party... next week.   What answer can you give a 5 year old.   Of course he is having a party with my DILs FOO...  Of course I am not going, and it's really better that way... and I would not want to go either.. but the unfairness of what has lead up to this hurts sometimes..... even after all this time. 

[gettingoldandcranky]

lilly - r u not invited or are u choosing not to go?   i know how hard it is to attend a group get together and most of the group ignores you, gives you eye rolls, or just baits you with loaded conversation.  sorry you are going through this and if it wasn't so important it wouldn't continue to hurt

[Lillycache]

lilly - r u not invited or are u choosing not to go?   i know how hard it is to attend a group get together and most of the group ignores you, gives you eye rolls, or just baits you with loaded conversation.  sorry you are going through this and if it wasn't so important it wouldn't continue to hurt

No.. I have not been invited to anything for over 5 years..  and no, at this point I would not go even if I were.  So both I guess.

[Stilllearning]

In that case my reply would have been something like "I didn't know you were having a party!  Wow!  What fun you will have!  Call me and tell me all about it!"  I understand not wanting to go but hearing the joy in your GS's voice (and maybe having his Mom hearing it) would be really wonderful!  Enjoy your stress free week! 

[Green Thumb]

One thing I have learned from all my troubles, is I wish I would have been more honest with my kids. If I had not hid their father's drinking and drugging, I think it would have lessened his power to cause the estrangement. Therefore, I say this with caution. I think you answer your grandson frankly but with great tact. "Oh, you wish I could come to your party?" Or, "I'd love to come to your party, sounds like fun." If he asks, why don't you come to his party, you just say "I was not invited but I know you will have a good time!" Just acknowledge his feelings without jabbing at his mom. At some point, the grandkids are going to ask or talk about why you are never invited. Don't hide it but don't bash their mom. "Why doesn't mommy like you?" "This is very sad and I don't know why but your mom is a special lady and I am glad you are my grandchild."

I am learning so much from all of you. Practicing detachment for those grandchildren yet to be born who will not know me. Acceptance and not expecting anything or more love.