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Still crying

Started by Lockofhair, November 29, 2015, 12:10:36 am

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Lockofhair

My adult son came from out-of-state for Thanksgiving.  I remarried after I divorced his father 8 years ago.  He was courteous to all members of the extended family, but when alone with me, was harsh and abrupt.  After two days of this, I addressed the issue and was subjected to a litany of past offenses that were twisted, never occurred, or totally blown out-of-proportion.  He was so hostile that it reminded me of his father.  Trying to talk was useless; he was determined to hold on to the rage that was fueling his total life's unhappiness.  He then packed to go.  I gave him a hug, knowing that I would be distancing myself in the future, wished him a safe drive back, and he left.  An hour later he called to inform me he had been in an accident; he then cut the conversation off saying his father was calling.  I waited an half an hour, not knowing if he was injured, where he was, etc... I ended up calling him only to be coldly informed his father was driving 3 hours to get him.  I asked him if he needed my help, and he said "no".  So I hung up.  I have been crying all day.  My son has turned into a cold, calculating, belittling monster. 

Stilllearning

L it sounds to me like your ex has a lot to do with your son's attitude.  Just think if you were around your ex all of the time and he was angry and hostile and full of terrible stories about someone.  Then you go to see that someone already convinced that they are an ogre and find them surrounded by loving family and nice people.  Of course he reacted by lashing out.  To do anything less would be disloyal to his father.  I think your DS may be trying to sort things out and having a very difficult time because he is so close geographically and possibly emotionally to his father.  Your best bet is to forget how awful he was to you.  Act like it never happened.  Continue the relationship as it was before this incident.  Your DS's doubts about what his father is telling him will either grow on their own or not.  If he contacts you again make sure he knows that you love him no matter what.  Children tend to be the meanest to the ones they love most.  The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.

Good luck!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Lockofhair

He's a twenty-six year old man; not a teenager.  No effort is made to contact me unless I call him first, and even then he often 'forgets' to return the call.  I could go on forever with his blantant lack of human kindness; best for me to move on with things that bring joy. 

Stilllearning

Sounds like a plan!  You are right, there is no need to invite such hostility into your life.  You tried your best.  Sorry for your loss (and his).

Good luck to you. 
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Green Thumb

I am so sorry about this. I have an adult daughter much like your son. Her angry abusive and narcissistic father has done his best to make me the scapegoat and alienate her from me. Like you, we are divorced. But the truth is, my adult daughter is not nice to me, has played mean tricks, and has worked her father to her side. She also has nice qualities but she feels that she is entitled to dump on me at her will. At first, I really grieved but as time went by, I realized that I had to live in the now, in the current relationship and I had to focus on me and my goals and my future. Mothering days are over.  That was the hardest part, to stop identifying myself as primarily a mother.  Cause the kids are grown and now it is me time, time for me to focus on myself and my career and my future, rather than focus on the kids (adult children) and being a nurturing mother as in the past.

Your post sounds like you know what to do. Taking that first step is the hardest. It sounds like you know you need to limit contact with your AS because it is a toxic relationship. My advice would be to accept that this is how he is and let go of your need or hope that he would be a "good son" -- this will free you to look at the relationship for what it really is without the need to be loved by him interfering and keeping you hostage. Many parents have adult children who are not nice, my father was not nice to my grandparents on either side.

Still Learning does give good advice -- let this go for now. Because this won't be the first or the last time your AS dumps on you so hatefully. This is who he is and how he is. You let it go mentally cause it is not good for your body to be so upset. I am not saying forgive or allow abuse, I am saying you do this for your own peace of mind and health. Accept this is how he is. You can choose to limit contact with him but you can't change him. That is my experience anyway.

Sometimes people say on this forum, if your adult child were a co-worker, would you be friendly with this person or would you stay away cause this person is not nice? Just cause it is our adult child, doesn't mean we have to put up with verbal abuse or other meanness. You don't have to initiate contact with a tiger who is looking to eat you.

Pen

LoH, welcome to the site. If you haven't already done so, please take a moment to read the materials on the home page under Open Me First, highlighted in pink. This is a monitored site and we want to make sure we're all informed about policies and practices. We give this little intro to all new members :)

Your DS is at a tough age for young men, especially with his history. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. My DS was not a nice guy during those years but is slowly coming out of it as he heads out of his 20's.

In my totally unprofessional opinion, children are spending longer in adolescence now because humans live longer..so some 20-year-olds are emotionally kind of like 15-year-olds back in the day, and so on. Right?? LOL
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

November 29, 2015, 09:47:29 am #6 Last Edit: November 29, 2015, 10:36:48 am by luise.volta
What an interesting comment, P. I never thought about the possibility of 'Prolonged Adolescence' as a baseline for what so many are facing. Thanks for that perspective!

And L., My take is you are evidencing self respect...by still being a role model! Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Lockofhair

November 29, 2015, 03:15:28 pm #7 Last Edit: November 29, 2015, 05:49:32 pm by luise.volta
I appreciate all the responses, ladies.  I've done a lot of reflecting on both him & I. I am not still crying!

luise.volta

L, I have modified your last post. Please go to our HomePage and under Open Me First read the posts placed there for new members. We ask that you pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. You will notice there that we agree not to make reference to our various religious beliefs...or lack thereof. There are many websites where that is not only allowed but encouraged, if that is important to you. However, on WWU it is not permitted. It is seen as mutual respect since we all come from different backgrounds and respresent many cultures.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Lockofhair

Like the Phoenix, we will rise and soar above the fray in order to enjoy another day.  This is my own personal mantra.

luise.volta

Beautiful! What a Gift each day is! :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama