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A Contrarian View of Motherhood

Started by anonymous123, June 13, 2010, 10:56:04 AM

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anonymous123

I set out to "live the dream" married, had 2 kids and said like we all do 'I will do it different - I will give my kids everything and love them so much and teach them all the good things abut life and being human. And I will give them the very very best education I can afford so they can do whatever they want in life instead of a job they have to have."

Well - we did those things for the most part - up until my husband died. Giving them private schooling, paying for college, anything they wanted within reason. No abuse, emotional, verbal, physical, sexual - none of that stuff some of which we had to go thru.

But I ask today as my 17 yr old sleeps till noon complaining that my vacuuming is waking her up. After spending all night on the phone w/ her boyfriend angry at me becasue I would not let her go alone with him and 2 of his male friends to his beach cabin. She sleeps while I pay the bills - like the $2,000 SAT tutoring bill and her iPhone bill and I cry because my oldest doesn't talk to me and I wonder - Would I do this all over again? What value has having kids added to my life? What is the "return on investment"? I post here knowing stones will be cast, but I have to get it out.

luise.volta

I don't see any stones flying. Usually here, if people seriously disagree...they are often silent.  They wait to see where the thread might go before commenting.

I have felt that way at times. Not as a final verdict but as a temporary "I give up." With my great grandchildren in high school, I need to say "things were different back then." I didn't see kids so indulged and they didn't grow up with such a sense of entitlement. My guess is that a lot of it isn't you, it's the times.

No matter what parents do or don't do...kids want the moon. Today that's a car,  HDTV, iPhones, and sex thrown in for good measure. The moon was much smaller back when I raised my boys. And, of course, when I was sixteen a new Gril Scout uniform was the hit of my life.

I hear your weariness and your hopelessness and I so sorry. The idea that parenting brings fulfillment is often a myth. It can...at times...but it's not a given, to my way of thinking.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

Sometimes we don't get validation right away. Some of my older friends say their kids finally came back at ripe old ages to thank them. I'm not expecting it, but I'm hopeful.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Judylife

I must agree with the two ladies who have already replied here.  There is no 'given' that you children will always respect and thank you, even love you.  We have them, raise them, try our best for them but in the end they are their own separate people.  THere are unfortuntaely a lot of other influences around them as they grow up.  Also I think that a lot of mothers would never admit the fact that it isn't always the fulfilling happy scenario that Motherhood is still painted as.  It is hard work, a worry that never ceases and often with no thanks.  This is a bitter pill to swallow but sure you must live in hope that they will demonstrate love and appreciation for you as they get older, and even now, perhaps it's the 'age' that they are which makes them act unkindly to you.  We tend to forget our own attitudes and things we said to our own parents or how we felt about them at times when we were that age.  I know I do.  Hope this is helpful to you.

cremebrulee

Hi There, I'm sorry your feeling so badly, however, you did right not to allow your daugther to go..and by the way, how old is she and is she using protection?  You need to find that out...and if she is not, then encourage it....its time to have "the Talk" with her.  Sex is going to be explored by most teens...and now is the time, when your going to have to be even more vigulant when it comes to your teens....and if she was on the phone all night with her boyfriend, that's so wrong....she needs to have a curfu imposed....and for her to be angry at you b/c your running the vaccume cleaner, well I'd say to her, tough....and from now on, she's off the phone by 11 p.m.  Who is the parent here?  If you don't start clamping down now, (tough love) you may have much more sever problems in the futher.  Being a parent, doesn't mean it entitles us to give our kids everything they want, and , we are going to get upset, just because they didn't get they're way, so now they're not talking to us.

By giving kids everything they want, gives them a sense of entitlement, and if you don't impose rules that are strikly followed or else, you are going to create a monster for whomever they marry....They'll be spoiled and expect life to give them everything they want...and it doesn't work like that....

Tell your daughter she needs to get a job...and work for items....if she doesn't have one already....teaching a child the value of a $1.00 is part of the training process, as well has having to give up some things....instant gratification is a bad thing....and so many parents today, don't know how to parent, but instead, want to be friends with they're kids....it can't be done like that....you must let them know there are rules and regulations, and they must be helpful around the house...give them chores to do, so that they will be responsible adults....when the time comes....

Do they know how to cook, bake, clean....? 

I really hope you haven't given them they're way all the time....

Cheer up, there are great things in parenting, and maybe this is one of the times, you get to learn instead of the kids....we grow up with them, we do the best we can....however, there comes a time when we must realize, we are the parents and from that we are to be respected and our rules followed....

I'm hoping things work out...there are no guarentees in life....as I said, we do the best we can, but believe me, I know your upset, however, some of this stuff is small potatos compared to what could be going on...so, cheer up and come back and vent when you must....and the girls here will support and give you they're best voice when they can....

Hugs and good luck
Creme

elsieshaye

I totally, totally get where you are with feeling like giving up.  My son went through a terrible period from the time he was 5 to the time he was 15, with emotional problems, violent acting out at school, and eventually legal problems.  It got to the point where I was fantasizing daily about just running away and never speaking to him again.  I even promised myself that if I could just hold on until he was 18 that I'd move away and leave no forwarding address.  I was so impatient and upset by everything he did, because all of it triggered my anxiety and fear for him.  The best thing that happened to us was that he ended up living away from me for a year in a group home.  It helped him with his anger and emotional issues, and it helped me learn how to lovingly detach from him.  I also started therapy for myself, and did things like start to meditate, go to museums, happy hours with work friends, and long walks by myself.  What that did was put a little space between my family problems and my emotional exhaustion, and the rest of me.  It taught me that there WAS a rest of me, that had nothing to do with problems and pain.  From there, I was able to understand that there was a rest of my son too, that had nothing to do with his problems and pain.  And that his problems and choices really didn't have much to do with me.  He responded so positively to that, because it took all the pressure off him.  He felt so burdened by my stress, because he had to figure out his own unhappiness and mine as well, and it was too much for him.  He felt like he couldn't ask for the space to work his own stuff out without hurting me, and it fueled his frustration and anger.  Being away from me for a while gave him breathing room.

What I learned from all that, is that there is a time when you have to detach from your kids and focus on yourself (not reject them, but work on not being hurt by what they do or don't do, and letting them work things out for themselves).  Reading this and your other posting, it sounds to me like you are exhausted, angry and depressed (and have every right to be all of those things).  But your 17 year old can't fix that, no matter what she does, especially if she is also depressed and grieving and feels the pressure of your unhappiness on top of hers.  She's not going to like what you do when you set limits for her, but that's par for the course for teenagers.  The difference here is that you yourself don't have any kind of emotional buffer left to be able to deal with her normal teenage stuff.  It's all just feels like one more exhausting, painful blow.  The kindest thing you can do for both of you is keep going with therapy, and consider meds to help temporarily until you have your head above water again.  There's nothing you can do for your adult daughter - she has to struggle through her problems herself, especially since she is keeping you at arm's length - but there is a lot you can do to help yourself work through the grief and loss and overwhemedness. 

This too shall pass.  All is well.

DDM

June 14, 2010, 08:38:43 AM #6 Last Edit: June 14, 2010, 08:41:09 AM by DDM
What is the "return on investment"?

Personally, I have no requirement that my children repay or compensate me for my investment as a mother. They are in no way indebted to me for any $, time, sacrifice, worry, heartache, etc., etc, etc. When each of my children were born I made a pledge to do whatever I could to make sure they were safe and happy. This was my gift to them. Given freely, no conditions, no expiry date, never open to re-negotiation.

What value has having kids added to my life?

They define us. They make us grow along with them. They challenge us to find strength and wisdom. They teach us the meaning of unconditional love. They give us a greater purpose than ourselves.

I too have had many times where I have felt under valued and taken advantage of by my children. I have felt forgotten. I have felt all I do is give, give give and never receive. I have wished for more. But, I have this little philosophy. "LIFE IS PAID FORWARD" In other words, don't expect to get back what you have given, let your children pass that on to others."

luise.volta

I have written here previously that one son saw me as evil and the other son thinks I walk on water. (Neither is true.) We stumble over our expectations and then we're stuck with their perceptions. Tricky stuff. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Scoop

Oh Anonymous!  Don't you know that from the age of 13 (?) to about 25 (?) girls are INSUFFERABLE?  (Speaking from experience as one who WAS insufferable!).

Sleeping until noon - check!
Self-centered - check!
iphone - hubba-wha'? I guess it's the "equivalent" of the Walkman I coveted in my teens.

I would say that you should just stay steady on course, don't be afraid to 'not' give her everything, don't be afraid to tell her that you will stop vacuuming if she promises to do it, don't be afraid to stop paying her iphone bill.  Don't expect her to get up early.  But just like you had to teach her right & left, you're going to have to teach her to be less self-centered, and it's not going to happen in one lesson.  Hopefully you both survive into her adulthood and then you can be friends.  The rewards of parenthood are the cuddles when their little and the adult friendships you form later on.  You pay for that with the teen/young adult years.

Sorry.

Pen

I hope you find a way to regain your life. Ultimately that's the best gift you can give your kids.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb