My children won't forgive me for leaving their father

[Judylife]

Hello, and it is good to have found this site.  14 yrs ago I left my husband of 22 yrs and that meant leaving the family home where my children 18 and 20 at the time, lived.  Over the years there have been so many ups and downs and my ex has been so very bitter towards me, trying to sabotage my relationships with my kids at every opportunity, and there have been many.  Grandchildren eventually came along and he has tried to ruin that also.  Two yrs ago my partner proposed to me and since then both my kids disowned me totally.  I only see my 2 grandsons because I have a loving, kind and fair daughter in law and I am forever in her debt.  I haven't seen my grandaugter (my daughter's daughter) for 2 yrs and I am heartbroken over this.  She was 4 last time I saw her and had played such an active part in her life up until then.  My daughter recently filed for divorce from her husband of 6 yrs.  I have tried on numerous occasions to contact her, tell her I love her, ask her how she is - I get abuse back, she tells me never to contact her again etc etc.  I have also heard that she has told lies about me to a few people, I presume because she is bitter that I am now remarried and her own marriage has sadly ended.  I don't know.  All I know is that I NEVER EVER thought my life would be this way.  I loved my children from the moment I knew I was carrying them, did as all us Mothers do, loved them unconditionally for so many years.  My son is not abusive, he just doesn't talk to me, contact me, but he does realise that I see his boys when he is not around or at work.  The entire 'family' is a huge mess.  I have had many blocks of counselling over the years when I could afford it, and with the love of my now husband and dear close friends that I have known for over 30 years I manage to live, smile and survive.  But it comes at a huge price and with much struggle and tears.  Has anyone else felt the repurcussions of Parental Alienation Syndrome with adult children?  Thank you for 'listening'. 

[Pen]

Welcome, Judylife. You have found a wonderful site. Not all of us have been through what you are describing, but some have had similar issues with their adult children. No matter how a family goes off the rails it hurts to the core, and most of us can feel compassion for your pain, I'm sure. Take care, and keep posting.

[luise.volta]

Sometimes a new marriage is like a new life. Your old one doesn't end...but it isn't your whole focus any longer. We dream of different results when we parent and then our simple expectations never materialize. In their place come horrors we never could imagine. Then we turn in another direction and find love. Can healing be far behind? Sending love...

[Pooh]

Judy, Luise is perfectly right.  I too remarried a wonderful man after 21 years of marriage to my sons' father.  It took a long time for me to heal from the hurtful relationship I had and trust in the new one.  But once I did, my healing began.  And once I began healing, my sons could too.

[justus]

I have, but the issue is more about my mother than my xH. When I left my xH, we lived with my parents while I put myself through school. My children were 3 and 5 when we moved in and we were there for 5 years. During that time, I allowed my mom to become THE MOM. This was natural as Mom was domineering and I was a doormat. I had been taught from the cradle that it was best for everyone if I just gave in. It happened so gradually I didn't even realized it had a happened until I moved out.

When I moved out, one of her friends actually asked me if I was going to take the kids with me. It was tuff on both the kids and me as I once again became THE MOM, and Mom had a hard time letting go of her authority. When I married DH, Mom was further threatened, especially since I did not make the the same mistake I did in my first marriage and allow her to be right in the middle of it. It also didn't help that DH was a psychologist, someone my family thought was out of my league and they also felt he was way above them even though he never thought that of himself. He comes from people just like them and is more comfortable with blue collar people than he is with his contemporaries.

Anyway, she did her best to undermine my parenting and DH's relationship with my children. She didn't succeed with DD, but she was somewhat successful with DS. Even though DS bought into it  for the attention and love he was slathered with, he knew what she was doing. He is 21 and is living with my brother, who DH And I refer to as Mom's Jr. husband, while he is going to school. They live near my parents and far away from me. I talk to DS about every other week while he sees his grandparents every week. Even though he complains about them, I know he has chosen her. My Mom has made everyone else in the family choose between me and her.

I have never asked him to choose and will never. His heart is more than big enough for the both of us, so there is no need. Even though he has chosen, he has not cut me off, and will not, so I persevere. I know that when DS gets married and has kids, Mom will pull the same BS with him that she has pulled with each one of her children and DS will not tolerate it. Then, he will choose again.

My xH tried to do what your xH has done, but he had voluntarily disappeared from our children's lives for about 5 years so he didn't have the history with them that I did. Only when DS contacted him did he make any effort. By then it was too late for DD to want him in her life, but DS was eager to know his dad. He bought his Dad's lies for a while, but he knows me and when things didn't add up, he knew the truth. The last time I spoke with DS, he told me it had been 6 months since he talked to his Dad.

All I can tell you is to persevere. Let them know you love them and that you are eager for a relationship, but don't push for it. Let them come to you when they are ready and be willing to listen and let them tell you how they feel and what they think and validate them. There will be time enough to set straight any misconceptions.

In the mean time, all you can do is live your life the best you know how and move on knowing that they may never want a relationship.

I have to tell you I am on the other side of this. Because of my M's craziness, I cut her off. Not for my sake, but  for my kids' sake. She was using them to get to me. The only way I could think to protect them was to cut her out of our lives. It is a long story and I won't get into the why of it. I will tell you that I don't intend to ever let her back into my life. If she were willing to take responsibility for change, if she were capable of looking at the mistakes she made and of changing how she is with me, then I might consider it, but it has been 4 years since I cut her off and she has made no effort to do anything. No apologies, no phone calls wanting to work things out, only phone calls telling me how horrible I am and trying to guilt me back into the fold. These phones calls only drove me further away. I would probably respond to a gentle email apologizing and letting me know that she understands why I don't want her in my life and she is OK with my decision, but she loves me, is sorry, very much wants to work things out and will do whatever I need her to do in order to have even minimal contact. I don't expect such an email because it is totally out of character for her. It is sad, but she is what she is and she is toxic to me.

I am on one more side. Growing up, Mom had us all convinced that Dad was a horrible man. Yes, she was and is still married to him, but she was miserable with him. It was only when I lived with them as an adult that I realized that she was no victim, she was more horrible than I could have imagined. My poor Dad. Once I realized she had lied, Ok, she didn't lie because she believed it to be true even though it was not, I started looking at other relationships in which she always claimed to be a victim and found that more often than not she had victimized someone else. Until I got to know my Dad as an adult, and with new eyes not tinged with Mom's victimhood, I saw a totally different sort of man than M had convinced us he was. I mourned the relationship I could have had with him as a child if Mom had not ruined any chance of one developing (she has to be the most important person in her children's lives or she goes crazy), and I made sure my children were not robbed of having a good relationship with him. He was a great grandpa.

Your kids and grandkids are the ones missing out. They are the true victims here. I hope they will see the truth one day, but you cannot count on that. My siblings still see my Mom as a victim. Well, actually she has been elevated to martyr status which is really difficult to attain when you are Southern Baptist and still alive.