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Mourning Ur Living Adult Child

Started by anonymous123, June 12, 2010, 09:21:18 AM

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anonymous123

Is anyone else having to do this? Something is wrong with my 30 yr old daughter and has been since she graduated college. She became just mean, abusive, explosive, bizarre. No drugs that I know of. I suspect mental illness as she acts the same as my own mom did who has undiagnosed mental illness.

The final and most heartbreaking split came 5 yrs ago when her father, my husband of 23 yrs died suddenly. My youngest and I were in shock. We somehow made it to her shared home xross town altho I had not been given an address or phone number. She came home with us and the most bizarre things started happening.

She went upstairs and got his wallet and tried to hide it in her sweater, I got it back and told her we all 3 would need to be together to ge thru this. She then invited 2 of her friends over to my home while her sister and I grieved in shock, she danced and laughed with her friends. I politely asked for family privacy, she exploded and started throwing things and hitting me. I caled 911 and her friends escorted her out and away before cops culd come.

I won't even go into the psychotic things she did when we visited the funeral home to make arrangements - those things my yungest will never know I hope. I ended up having to file a RO only to have the judge kick it out.

I have begged, pleaded, demanded, cried, u name it - for her to enter family therapy with me to figure this out. She refuses. I give up.

I will never be the same, not only did i lose my husband, i lost my daughter, my youngest has been in therapy for years. 1 day ur a mom worrying about what to make for xmas dinner, the next - ur in hell - 4 ever.

Judylife

I am sorry to read your story.  Has anyone ever considered that your daughter's hormones are playing a part in her behaviour?  I don't ask this flippantly.  It is a medical fact that sometimes young women can suffer from a hormone imbalance or deficiency which ends up as PMS magnified about 100 times and contributes to all sorts of feelings/behaviour.  I don't know how you could suggest this to her, but it is something to perhaps think about. 

anonymous123

Thanks so much for your response. Yes, I do think hormones are involved and I think that meds would help - we had her on meds when she was a teen and she was fine. But now she's convinced by her peers that meds are evil and against everything except natural herbs etc. Anyway, I called her again yesterday - she never returns the call, never calls unless she needs money. I just tell her I love her and I want to help and have pleaded with her to go to Dr. and get meds. It is like watching a little puppy cross a busy intersection - u know they will get hit, so you just turn away because it is too painful to watch. Only that little puppy is my own daughter who I gave birth to and watching her die this slow miserable death is unbearable - it is hell on earth. Thanks for listening and suggestions. I have no family and only casual friends.. I hope I can help my youngest avoid this same fate. It is so incredibly painful. My adult daughter has accused me of killing her father (he died of a heart attack), of horrible things - I have to turn away to save myself and my youngest. Did any of us ever imagine this hell when we held our little ones in our arms for the first time?? This is so so hard. My heart breaks a little more each day. Counseling is not helping anymore. I am sorry for all of us losing our adult children - it is unbearable pain.

Judylife

Hello again.  I agree with everything you say here about never imagining that those lovely little babies we carried and nurtured have turned against us.  There are a million reasons, situations, circumstances.  It always comes down to one thing though - they cut us out of their lives and in so doing, take a part of our heart with them, a wound never healed, a pain that nags away day and night and even in our dreams.  So  you are NOT ALONE.  I am sorry if you don't have much of a support network.  I am lucky in that respect as I feel I have a good support system, although it is wearing for friends and family I am sure.  I am also sorry to hear you are not finding counselling any help.  It certainly does NOT change the situation, I will agree with you there.  But it can just help with venting.  However, it does take a strong brave person to acknowledge that things may never change, or take years to do so.  Somehow we have to come to a point where we almost accept that our children will not be part of our lives - for now - hopefully it can change, and where there is still life, then there is hope.  You must hold on to that for now.  YOu are right to continue to let her know in whatever way you can that you love her and want to help should she accept it.  I do the same with both my children.  I also appreciate that it is like banging your head against a brick wall.  How can you maintain any relationship when it is so one sided.  Not easy.  But you are 'loving from afar'.  A term a very good counsellor said to me sometime ago.  Have you heard of Sarah Hart?  Her website may help you.  www.sarahhart.co.uk.  She also wrote a wonderful book, a sort of 'manual' for MothersApart from their children.  I would urge you to take a look.  I was fortunate enough to have six months of telephone counselling with hera couple of years ago.  Try to look after yourself as best you can.  Thinking of you and sending warm thoughts to you. 

Pen

Oh, Judylife, I love your phrase "loving from afar" because we don't have much of a choice, do we? We can't control how others behave towards us, we can only control our behavior and our reactions to their behavior. As much as we might hope and pray that things were different, or gnash our teeth, or moan and cry, we can't affect much. However, I've heard of cases here on this site that improved dramatically when the hurt party found a way to heal and move on while "loving from afar." Healing ourselves should be our main goal at this point, and if miracles happen with our adult children it's just a fabulous bonus.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

irenic

Oh, Judylife, I love your phrase "loving from afar" because we don't have much of a choice, do we? We can't control how others behave towards us, we can only control our behavior and our reactions to their behavior. As much as we might hope and pray that things were different, or gnash our teeth, or moan and cry, we can't affect much. However, I've heard of cases here on this site that improved dramatically when the hurt party found a way to heal and move on while "loving from afar." Healing ourselves should be our main goal at this point, and if miracles happen with our adult children it's just a fabulous bonus.

I love this, its what we have to do, it is the most painful thing, but we just take it hour by hour and take care of ourselves.

Pen

Right on, Irenic - sometimes for me it's two steps FW & one step B, but I'm working on it.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Judylife

Hello again.  I have kept this phrase 'loving from afar' in my head for sometime now and I 'pull it out' when I need to, like when I send a text message to my son which isn't acknowledge or replied to, or when I send something for a birthday, Xmas, whatever.  I have found it helpful. 

luise.volta

I am so sorry to hear the kind of story presented here. And I, too, am touched by the phrase "loving from afar." We try everything and then we distance ourselves, give up, start over...but we don't stop loving. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama