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Which is more normal being quiet if you can't be nice or saying whatever you wan

Started by whyme, April 22, 2015, 05:59:27 AM

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I know my MIL and stepdaughter are narcissist.  My spouse will never agree they said something rude to me no matter how often they purposely and continuously do it.

I can't talk to my dad about it because he is married to one of the family members too and he dare not say anything.

My question here is what is more normal,  being agressive, mean, and forward but wearing the pants in the house as the breadwinners or being quiet if there is nothing good to talk about and being a SAHM?

The women run the family.  I see and hear a lot of things that don't seem right and I know I'm not crazy.   I just feel sad because my spouse seems very attached to his mom's family.   I don't like going around them because I know I will be ambushed in some way and mad when I leave.

I don't know how to love a person who can't love me enough to even acknowledge my feelings.   My spouse is kind of like them, so I don't know why I am caring.  I am the one who will lose all around.   

Even if no one responds I am just glad to kick these thoughts out of my mind.


QuoteWhich is more normal being quiet if you can't be nice or saying whatever you want

I don't think there is one correct answer here.  Personally, if I can't say "something nice", then I usually do not say anything all all.  One of my dear friends is the opposite - she would never let any indiscretion go by without commenting.  I guess it boils down to "personality and temperament" - I do not like confrontation; she does.  As I told my granddaughter the other day "if you are mean to someone, one of two things will happen - either the other person will be mean back or the other person will walk away".

So, if your husband's family "can't love me enough to even acknowledge my feelings" - your words - then, as I see it, you have two choices - accept what is or disengage emotionally (and perhaps physically) from their family.  The only person we can change is ourselves; and because someone else disagrees/acts/thinks differently from us - well, this "difference" is what makes the world go around.  I believe it is not "right or wrong" or "black or white" - just different.   By the way, I also believe self-esteem comes from within; not from without (meaning from others).

I realize that you have married into a difficult family - so did I - but, they are what they are and you "is" what you "is".  My husband's family never did "accept" me - I like to think that I did not live "down" to their expectations (LOL).  Some families can accept this; others - well, not so much.  I expect others here will be offering additional insights to this situation.


Thanks for answering.

I felt better after getting it off my chest. 

The sad thing is that my oldest bio daughter is starting to act similar in some ways.  It has to do with a person trying to insult me constantly to get her own self worth.

I confronted my child about this, but not my adult stepdaughter. The stepdaughter literally found a man with the same name as her father,  had a baby a year after we had ours, is insulting/competing with my baby, put in fake hair to make hers seem longer, but lied and said it's hers (I saw her a month ago.)  Note her man had a similar house to ours but a little more upscale.  She doesn't live there, but then she had the nerve to say our house looks abandoned,  which it doesn't.   

Every word out of her mouth is either a lie or an insult...

Anyway I was just venting.  Leaving the visit I have to remind myself of reality.   That "child" lives in a different reality.


As jdtm put it, I don't have the skills to come down to that level.   

I am sad because there is no recovery for me, except in my forgiveness of her evil.  Hopefully I can forget it quickly everytime.


I am consolidating two posts into one for you, W.

My step mom is not gentle as my mom.  Lucky for me I am a loner.

I married into their family.  My fault.

Their family is full of personality disorders!!!!!

My dad married her while I was an adult, so I didn't know them growing up.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Welcome, W. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and Under Read Me First to read the 5 posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website. Only our monitors can delete a post but you can always request that we do that for you, if you are concerned about something.

My take is that your issue is with your husband. That's where work needed to be done in my own situation. Ff no resolution is found, you may need to look at your own well being and self respect and what you can do to honor and protect yourself. We have WWU members all over the world with different beliefs about how to do that. Mine was to leave. I live in a culture where that is acceptable but it was very, very hard to make a life for myself and my children without even minimal skills. However, I left 60 years ago (I'm 88) and have had / am still having a wonderful life! I believe I deserve that. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Green Thumb

I heard a preacher one time say "normal is just a cycle on the washing machine."  ;)

I am not sure either thing you asked about is normal, if there is a normal. If one is quiet because they chose not to engage in petty, ugly backbiting with another person, then that quiet person is being mature. If one is quiet because one is afraid and doesn't feel they can/should/are allowed to speak up, then this is usually pretty unhealthy emotionally.

The other thing is you can't reason with ugly acting people who are just out to criticize someone, put them down, be hateful. They won't change and you can't expect them to. As Dr Phil says, we teach people how to treat us. That means being assertive not aggressive or ugly back to them.

I went to a function on Sunday where my BIL said two nasty things to me and my husband. I sternly called him out on it without arguing or engaging. I made him back down but this is not that easily to master the technique. You can't act mad or have mad in your voice. And you have to name the action they are speaking, if they hurt your feelings you have to call it, if they mock you, you have to say don't mock me. I know I won't change him, I know he disdains my husband and myself. But I spoke up for myself without getting mad or arguing, and he backed down twice, and that is my victory.


IMO, it is true that "we teach people how to treat us." I didn't have the tools to speak up for myself in my family, didn't know that was an option, and suffered for years. My own young children watched as I bravely soldiered on after being the only one at Christmas (w/DF & SM & her relatives) who didn't get a gift, for example. OK, mom is fine with being ignored, cool! Mom doesn't care if she's stuck in the kitchen on SM's "orders" while everyone else has a nice visit with my relatives from overseas!

I'm not that same woman now, and would not allow that to happen again. But it is going to take some time to change my AC's treatment of me...although they are learning little by little.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama