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My adult children barely put up with my existince.

Started by Allfornothing, April 07, 2015, 02:39:33 pm

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kate123

AFN- also, what's up with your husband? He should be supporting you and not allowing the AC's to treat you like this while treating him differently. My ex did the same. That is why he is my ex. Husband and wife are a package deal, IMO. >:(

Green Thumb

Back to AllForNothing,
I am sorry you have become the pariah in your family  and how unfun family gatherings are for you. It is obvious how much you love them all and have tried to be a good mother. I understand how painful the estrangement can be. The other ladies have said they've stopped searching for the why and I have to second that. Perhaps if you stop fighting it, the dynamics will change and things will soften. Can you detach from having to fix everything so it is "perfect"? This will take a lot of the pressure off things. At least you will have more peace in your soul. Take a break from grieving over this and give it time to allow you to have a new perspective. It might be fixable with a change in attitude or it might not. But at least your new attitude will give you peace and a better future.

I'd like to add a little food for thought. Sometimes we mothers try to do to much for our kids and try to manage their lives according to how we see how they should be.  We love them so much and we want them to have a better life than we did (whatever that means to us). We do this to make ourselves feel better about ourselves. We may take over a process for the child that the child needs to learn -- and when we do this the message we give the child is -- "you are not capable, you are not smart enough"  If a child gets this message from a parent, their relationship can suffer. Detaching from trying to control, fix things, change this or that the kid is doing, constant advice, etc. frees us from this downward spiral with our kids and also allows us to focus on ourselves and growing in our own souls.

About your husband, you don't indicate whether he is an angry, narcissistic, abusive guy so the following is based on that. It is important that your husband be real with the kids, telling them how they are annoying him. When you take control and don't allow this, you negate his feelings.  In this way, you are not supporting him, not being on the same page as him.  Again, if he is a good man, a loving father.  Your husband has every right to be real about his viewpoint, unless you have married a mean abusive guy but I think not since the kids seem to like him so much.


luise.volta

K, good question. I will put our use of the term 'hijacked' in our Open Me First data. Someone invented it a few years ago, when a person, usually a newbie, needs their own thread but comes in on one that is established. Often I catch it but not always. I split the topic, when I see the need, welcoming them and giving them their own thread, if their first post is really intense.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama