March 28, 2024, 03:56:21 PM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


DIL refuses to help at family functions-gives grandkids wrong idea about "family

Started by chickensouped, March 17, 2015, 04:32:40 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Stilllearning

Funny, I think that she had to go a long way back to find something worse to hold over your head.  She messed up and it took her some real thinking to find a time when you messed up that was anything close to equal.  I think I would let it sit for a while.  If she ever brings it up again I would point out that she used that chit up already. Hopefully it will remind her of what she did wrong and she will stop talking.  Bringing up things that are so old is a sign of a person who does not know how to settle things, so arguments are never about things changing for the better.....they are always about who is right.  Not a very adult way of handling things.  I can almost hear the foot stomp and the door slam at the end of the conversation. 
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

jdtm

I have found that when I do not know what to do or what to say, then I do/say nothing.  Then, if I am accused of my actions or words, I know why - "nothing".  Besides, you can always "pretend" that you did not read that e-mail - not that I would lie if she asked, but if she doesn't .....

Pooh

I'm still under the opinion you need to apologize.  It doesn't have to be anything fancy.  Just a simple, "I'm so very sorry for saying those things years ago.  I hope you accept my apology and that we can start fresh."  I wouldn't make it anything more than that or you'll find yourself getting into the "reasons" you said what you said. 

Then, it truly is in her court.  You can't make her forgive you and you can't guess on what she will do.  You will at least know you apologized and if she chooses to not accept it, you did your best.  This is just me, but if I truly did something, I will apologize, no ifs and or buts.  It I'm guilty, then I owe an apology.  If I told someone they did something to me and they really did and remember it, and then I didn't get any kind of acknowledgement at all.......that would actually be the last time I tried and I would think worse of the person.

I agree with Luise.  I wouldn't even bring it up to DS. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Stilllearning

I learned to stop listening in on other people's conversations because you can get hurt.  My older sister hurt me so badly complaining to my Mom about me when I was really little that I would rather stick a knife in my ear than surreptitiously listen to someone else's conversation.  What other people think of me is not my problem.  If they want to tell me about it then I will deal with it but not before.  We all say things that would hurt people's feelings if they were listening and I am sure your DIL has had many a  catty comment over the years.  In my opinion your DIL shares the blame for this.  That is why I would just let it slide, like she should have.
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Lillycache

Well CS... looks like she gave you a rational answer and the fact that you remember the conversation is good.  At least you know what you will apologize for.  I agree.. that you should apologize and tell her you are happy to have some insight into what may have caused her behavior.     In my case, I wish I had something I remember.    My DIL just told me that I said horrible things to her mother and aunt and I have ZERO recollection of ever having a conversation with them let alone an altercation.    She refuses to tell me what it was I said.  So for years I have racked my brain over and over trying to remember anything that could even be construed as "horrible".    SO I  have to conclude that I am either crazy, demented, or that she is lying.   Guess what I have decided on..  lol!!   I hope that things will improve for you.. 


herbalescapes

I think you have overreacted to DIL's statement that your family is not her family.  That's not an insult, that's just a fact.  She did not tell your GD that her relatives are their real family and dad's relatives are not.  Kids understand that they get some things from mom and some things from dad.  Those things may be talents, physical attributes, religion, ethnicity or even relatives.  Your GD understand that you're their GM because you're dad's mom, not mom's mom.  No judgment or insult, just fact.  Some people consider ILs family, some do not.  It's not right or wrong, just different ways to deal with life.  There's a saying, "There's no insult where none is taken."  This would put you in the driver's seat regarding her comments.

I don't understand why you told DIL you needed her help for the family reunion.  First of all, it's not your place to tell DIL she has to do anything.  She's an adult, not your minor child.  You don't get to tell her she has to devote her time/energy/finances to a party you want to throw.  You should have ASKED for her help.  Even then, I don't understand why you didn't ask your son for his help.  It seems like you are falling into the trap of giving the DS a pass for not maintaining family relationships, but then blaming DIL for not picking up his slack.  If the family reunion isn't important enough to DS to make time and effort for it's success, why should it be important enough to DIL?

Don't underestimate the impact of differing personalities/temperaments/etc.  You describe your family as boisterous while DIL is more private.  To a private person, boisterous people can be very stressful.  This doesn't mean you and your family are doing anything wrong.  You are just different.  You can't expect DIL to just jump in and enjoy the boisterousness.  My DH's family loves to golf. I do not. I've tried it; not my thing.  They are perfectly free to arrange golfing outings.  They are not perfectly free to make me a bad guy because I don't join them. 

Also don't underestimate the difficulties of being an hour away.  Do you expect DIL to cut back on time spent with her family because she can't/won't bring the GD to visit you more often?  Do you expect DIL to make more of an effort to travel 2 hours roundtrip to even up time spent with both sides of the family?  This goes back to your DS not being willing to make more of an effort.  If it's not important enough to him, why should it be important to DIL?

I don't know if you should apologize to DIL or not for the comments you made years ago.  If you do, you have to be sure it's a true apology.  Not "I'm sorry but I was only worried/concerned." You also have to be sure that down the line you don't back track on any apology you make.  Five years from now would you be able to resist saying, "I've apologized for those comments but she's still so cold.  What does she expect?  I was just a mother worried about her son.  Granted it turned out my worries didn't come to fruition, but it was a legitimate concern at the time." I always think an insincere apology is worse than an insincere one and back tracking on an apology causes more damage than not giving one in the first place. 

As others have pointed out, you don't want to lose what you already have.  You have to decide if apologizing, speaking to your son, making demands of DIL will improve or worsen your situation.  Good luck.

Lillycache

Most people think that when a man and a woman marry, they become one.   Therefore.. His family is your family and yours his.  Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I believe this...  You don't have to like or agree with everything your spouses family does, but at least acknowledge that they are family... 

Stilllearning

I agree with Lilly here.  Although I was not really close to my in laws at first if anything had happened to them I would have been right next to my DH helping out, and after all isn't that what family is all about?  My FIL died just a few years after we got married and both myself and my DH called my MIL regularly for months (close to a year) to check on her and be sure she was ok.   To me if I had not helped during that period I would have been abandoning my DH and his family.  I guess I just find it hard to draw a line between my them.  If they hurt, he hurts and if I can do anything to help my DH out I am going to do it.  Anyone who abandons their spouse's family effectively abandons their spouse if something happens to their spouse's family.  I cannot see a situation where I would say, "She is your mother, you go to her funeral".  Same thing with step children..... "She's your daughter...you go to her wedding"....yeah, right.  Not happening in my family!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

NewMama

Not everyone feels that way about ILs being "family." It's not wrong, it's just different. Different doesn't equal wrong.

My DH does not view my FOO as his family now - he's told me so. He also finds it very strange that I consider his FOO my family now. None of this is an issue, because neither of us choose to make it one. We just see things differently, I'd be picking a fight if I tried to tell him he should be seeing my FOO as his now. Why bother? He's supportive of us and the kids having a relationship with them, he shows up to family functions, is pleasant and gets along with everyone, and he's been supportive of me using my time and energy to help during family stresses.

What "family" is can vary greatly from person to person, and one person's definition is may not fit with another and it's impossible to impose your definition on another person. Different is not wrong. 

chickensouped

I admit that maybe my thinking was not the best. Like Lilycache, I too believe that you marry the man and his family, that you take on the responsibility of each other's family. My DIL does not believe this and I have many other friends with married sons who have DILs with the same feelings, who look at you sideways if you dare ask them to lift a finger in service of their husband's family. (I even had one friend who was visiting her son and his wife and she made the mistake of politely asking her DIL for a glass of water. The DIL snapped at my friend and told her, "I'm not your servant. You know where the kitchen is.')

Therefore, I guess I was wrong. I told DIL that I needed her help, because well a family reunion is a lot to deal with and we need all the help we can get and she is family. I didn't mean it as order, I thought it would be a fun project and that the grandkids would love to learn of their heritage.

I did email my DIL and apologized for what I had said years earlier. Waiting to hear back.

herbalescapes

What made you think DIL would consider arranging a party would be fun?  The way you describe her makes it seem like the exact opposite.  It's all fine and well to say you marry into a family and take on the responsibility of that family, but why is your DS excused from the responsibility?  If you need all the help you can get, why haven't you asked for his help?  It comes across as very sexist and I know many DILs hate that.  Don't expect DIL to do more than your DS just because she has a second X chromosome.  Did DS help her FOO plan and execute their family reunion last year? 

chickensouped

I just thought it would be a fun family project for everyone to work on. I did ask DS and he said it's not his thing. HE suggested I ask DIL. I did and got the documented response, which was disappointing. All I am asking for is time and effort, however it comes into being an extended family. That's it.

luise.volta

Please remember, CS, to take what you want here and leave the rest. Sometimes we get agreement here and sometimes we get another was to look at something, if we're interested. The hardest thing for me to learn with my elder son was that my wants, opinions, points of view and expectations were mine, not his or DILs, and had no obligation to fulfill any of them. It took a long time and was painful but that's what was needed and it worked. :-) Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

CS, you apologized and that is really all you can do.  Don't second guess you telling DIL you needed her help with the family reunion.  It's all about people and their perceptions and how they choose to take something.  My house, if DH's family has a get-together, he and I both pitch in.  If my side has something, we both pitch in.  His family is my family, my family is his family.  If his Mother looked at me and said, "I need you to help me with XXXXX", I wouldn't bat an eye, I wouldn't take offense and I definitely wouldn't think it was sexist because she asked me and not DH.   It doesn't matter if it is or isn't, it's all about how a person chooses to take things, and unfortunately, that is not something you can control. 

She may think that way and it may be how her personality takes things.  Not wrong, we are all just different people.  And the down side is, those two personalities will always have a hard time getting along.  Not everyone would feel that way, but there are those that would.  That's not about you.  That's about them.

I decided that walking on eggshells and worrying about if everything I said was going to offend my DIL was driving me batty.  She could take anything you said and turn it into some sort of offense.  I accepted that she was a totally different personality, but she couldn't give me the same courtesy. So I made the decision to stop being someone I wasn't and she could either learn to accept me or she couldn't.  Her choice.  She chose not to.  Her loss.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Stilllearning

I agree with Pooh.  I bent myself around every which a way trying to get along with my now DIL before the wedding.  Nothing worked until I stopped trying.  Then she got pregnant and I really held no hope of getting to know the grand.  Then things suddenly changed.  I have no idea why but my DS called from the hospital and you could tell that he was a little hurt because we waited until the second day to visit our first grand.  Maybe my DIL realized that she was hurting him as much as me.  I don't know but things started to improve.

Now my second GC is on the way (same DIL) and she and I are getting along pretty well.  I know I have said things that I would not have said if I had thought about it but she is evidently forgiving my minor faux pas instead of blowing them way out of proportion.  Things are pretty good although I have to admit that I will never be as close to my DS as I used to be.  After all the cold shoulders and silent treatments I do not think I will ever allow him that kind of access to my heartstrings again.  Oh well, it was time I guess. 
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown