Blow-up with Adult Son (ForwardedFrom Ree)

[cadagi101]

oops my spelling is attrocious on my last post I should have checked it -

[luise.volta]

This is a good place to get it up and out. Life isn't fair and our expectations aren't met and that's the pits!

[Ree]

Hi again Everyone,

...just wanted to give an update.  My son finally came by last month to pick up his mail and birthday gift.  He has lost a  lot of weight and had a very scraggly beard.  He was wearing his glasses (very thick) instead of his contacts and a T-shirt that had holes in it.  I teared up immediately when I saw him but embraced him and smiled because I was so glad to see him.
We talked briefly while I was raking the yard and he informed me that (1) He can't cook at his dad's place because there's no stove (2) He can't drink the water (buys bottled water) because the place is right nextdoor to a raw sewage treatment plant. (3)  He is not going back to school in the fall...He said more but these three were the highlights.  He was looking through the mail for a check from his last place of employment and it was included with the stack of mail here. (He was happy about that.)  He called me a week ago to tell me that he was denied health care at the local VA because he wasn't in the military long enough. He was in 22 mths but was told that he needed to be in 24 mths to receive care.  He also said that the college fees would have to be "out of pocket"
in order for him to return in the fall  (His GPA was too low.)  One class would be $900 not including books!  He ranted that he wished he'd never met the girl that caused him to be late for returning to duty when he was in the military... and that he'd lost everything because of her...He said he needed to get back in some school even if he had to go to a technical school...I just let him talk for the most part.  I was waiting for him to ask me for help.
He didn't so I said, ask your co-workers if you have other options and give me some feedback so we can get you back in college. " Call me back when you have more info and I should be able to help you if you ask me.  It's been 5 days and he has not called me back.   His dad told him that I went to college and that I'm not even using my degree so why shoud he "waste his time"  going to college.?"  This statement is the reason why I believe my son is not trying to go back to college and I know this is why he has not called me back.  He discusses EVERYTHING with his dad now and if Mom is for it, you can count on his dad being against it.  I get so sad whenever I recall how he looked that day and how his life is turning out. I prayed to God to let him call me one morning and by mid-morning he called!  Prayer is still working for me! He asked me if I wanted him to cut the grass for me on Saturday.  I had already cut it Friday so I told him no but he could still come over if he wanted to.  He didn't and I have yet to hear from him.
Oh yeah one of his current jobs has cut his hours, and is scheduled to end in 3 weeks, his car needs tires and a front end alignment, he needs his contacts, his hands hurt so bad because his fingers clinch up (arthritic style) and he takes No Doze to stay awake while commuting 50 miles one way between jobs...!  I live only 3 miles from his job site, but... I chastised him about the No Doze (recommended by someone he met at his dad's) and told him that it was a stimulant, possibly addictive... and to read the ingredients so he'd know what he's putting in his body. I'm trying not to worry.  But, it seems that he is determined to shut me out of his life. 

[luise.volta]

He may learn as he goes. His choices are starting to produce results and he may connect the dots. Blaming anyone is a detour for learning, of course. At least you got to talk! Sending love...

[Ree]

You are so right Louise.  We did get to talk and I am grateful for that opportunity.  But as a problem solver I'm still wondering what to do next.  He is my only son and his life matters.  He needs guidance from someone who is productive and actually cares about his well being.  That person has always been me. During our talk he kept saying how much he wished he could get back in the military.  So do I.  He was maturing so much when he was on active duty in the airforce. If there was a way to change his discharge re-entry code he could go in the Army.  I feel compelled to research this possibility for him and pass the feedback I receive to him for action.  Everything at this point will require HIM to act, not just think, share and then discard the idea or plan.  I also thought of asking the Pastor of the church I attend to talk to him about his goals or plans for his future.  Maybe he will listen to another man.  Should I just butt out and wait for him to call me again?  What do I say to him?  The college semester is starting very soon.    Thanks in advance for more of your insight. 

[cadagi101]

Ree, I am putting myself in your position, as I said in an earlier post I have much the same relationship with my son.   For him to have a goal ( wanting to get back in the military is a fabulous thing for him ) I would ask him if he would like you to do some research into how that could possibly happen for him..  You will have tried, done everything you can to help him with this stage of his life.   Feeling compelled to research to help him is very natural, I do the same thing.   Maybe he would listen to the pastor of your church.  I wouldn't count on it though again ask him first, he might welcome the opportunity to talk to someone about his future when he would know by now his dad is a bit of a loser.  and let's face it unfortunately mum's rarely :cut it: when it comes to down to earth chats with our son's.  You have done everything in your power for this boy, you love him to bit's, but the ball is in his court...for the rest of his life.  Only he can decide his future no matter how much we worry about it.                               

[nanna628]

Wow I'm so glad to have found this site.  I too am having issues similar but with my daughter, and grand daughter.  She always felt like Cinderella, never wanting to help with the house.  I was a widow with two small children.  she wants to be in charge, but she is so angry.  I'm still in the cooling off period as we had a physical confrontation, I had never had one in my life.  Praying that she comes around, but like I have been reading, I can't force the issue, she needs to take her lumps out there in the real world.  Maybe one day she will realize that there was a good life here and she didn't want to participate.  Love to all.  May all these adult children gain wisdom and realize one day.  That the people that really care for them will always be there no matter what.  Unfortunately some have to learn the hard way.  Keep the faith.

[luise.volta]

Julia - I am very touched by the statement, "The ball is in his (her) court for the rest of his (her) life. Only he (she) can decide his (her) future no matter how much we worry about it." That is so powerful and so hard to get. Thank you!