Blow-up with Adult Son (ForwardedFrom Ree)

[luise.volta]

Hi Everyone ...just wanted to share my own experience.  My 23 y/o son (24 in 2 weeks) who was a boomerang adult told me he didn't care anything about me during a heated argument.  I made him move out of here where he was living rent free for 2+ years.  He blew up at me after I left a list of things I wanted him to do in the yard during the week.  He chose to do everything on the list in one day even though he hadn't went to sleep after working all night.  He was very angry and balled up the list, threw it...knocked my printer off my desk, banged his fists on my file cabinet (bent it badly).  Very harsh words were spoken by both of us.  He called a family member to help him get his things.  Now the family members aren't speaking to me.
He is living with his father my ex-husband who hates me.  We've been divorced for 19 years and he never helped out.  He bad mouths me always have to our son.  It's been 3 weeks since the blow-up, and my son hasn't apologized for saying that he wishes I were dead during the argument.  I said it back to him and apologized via a lengthy email message.  We haven't spoken in almost a month.  I've texted and emailed him weekly and he doesn't seem to care just like he said during the argument.  Should I continue to try to talk to him?  His 24th birthday is next week.  Should I make him the usual cake and just take it to his job or his dad's house?  I was a single parent for so long and I feel very lonely and disappointed by the way he treated me when I helped him so many times.  He lost his jobs several times and his cars broke down, I drove him every where he needed to go for 15 months. His college tuition was paid by me.  He's failed classes every semester but passed one of two classes he took last semester. There were loans that were never re-paid.  His dad doesn't value or encourage education because he never went to college and stays indebted to women he sees.  So, he won't see to it that our son continues trying to go to school.  Even now there are many of my son's things in the attic and storage sheds. His dad really doesn't care about him and has the potential to break his spirit. But he will keep him there now because he wants to hurt me.  He has tried to win his father's attention and love all his life and I don't want him poisoned and to become an uncaring bitter person like his dad is.  Should I just embrace the peace I have in the home now and trust God to handle my son's heart?  Should I continue trying to show love towards him even though it seems like he meant what he said during the argument?  Feedback please

[cremebrulee]

Good Morning

I can't imagine the pain your in at the moment, on top of everything else, right? 

Well, here's my input...you did right, and it wasn't right of him to live there rent free...he felt entitlement....not that he was a guest in your home....we want to make our children's lives easier and in the process we tend to forget, they need to learn responsiblity. 

Don't contact him anymore....let him alone...I know that is hard, however, the more you try and contact him, the more HE has the upper hand....meaning, he's probably thinking, I'm going to teach her a lesson....so, leave him come to you....and when he does....don't make it so easy on him...let him know there are boundaries, he was wrong, and just b/c you love he, doesn't mean he can talk to you like that or treat you like that...and that family member who is angry at you....let HIM go and live with them for awhile, and see what happens. 

He is irresponsible and mean spirited...spoiled, and you need to remind him of that....he needs to take ownership for what he did, and absolutely aplogize to you....but the more you contact him, the more he will reject you and then come back to you on his terms....he needs to remember, YOUR the parent.  Not him....

Just my point of view...I could be wrong...however, tough love is not easy, guess that is whey they call it tough love.

So sorry girl....hope things change...but make him come to you....don't go to him...and it may take a long time, however, don't weaken, b/c then he gets to come back on his terms and not yours....

hugs
and love
Creme

[luise.volta]

This new topic is from a newbie named "Ree." She accidentally posted by Personal Message and I put it up for her.

Welcome, Ree!  Hang in there. I'm with Creme that it's time your son learn a lesson or two about contributing to others. I have no idea how it will turn out but you did your best and it's my take that it's now up to him to find out what his best is. I'd back out; not easy< I know. He has a lot to learn and he may have to do it the hard way.

[Pooh]

So, so sorry Ree.  I so do not get our kids sometimes.  My oldest tells my ex all the time that I worked him like a slave while he was living at home (as an adult).  He had 4 chores to do.  Mow the yard, do his own laundry, keep his room clean and clean up after himself in the kitchen if he made a mess. Wahhhhh......  To hear him tell it, I had him in chains and electric shock collars following him around with a cattle prod.  It is amazing how they see things sometimes and choose to ignore everything we were doing to support them and maintain the household. 

Although I have not had a blow up like you have, mine also chooses to hang around his dad and stepmom instead of us.  My ex is exactly as yours is.  Thinks school is stupid, has had every job he has ever had handed to him.  He doesn't know what to truly work is.  Never took responsibility for anything, walked out on me after 21 years but yet somehow, still thinks of me as the "bad" person in the relationship and doesn't waste any time talking about me to our sons either.  So I have given lots of thought to why my son chooses the relationship with his dad over me. 

I think it is because his dad is lazy and has no goals or ambitions.  So my son feels absolutely no pressure around his dad to be anything.  Now, I don't dictate anything to my son about his life any longer, but I did push him when he was in school to make good grades for college scholarships, to behave, to treat people respectfully, to be a good citizen, to go after your goals, to work hard for everything, etc.  So I think when he is around me, he feels like he has to follow certain standards and would be ashamed to tell me if he did something stupid.  But with his dad, he has no standards.  He could tell his dad he dropped out of college and his dad would say, "Was a waste of time anyway.  Now you can party." and he would get support from his dad about dropping out.  He knows I would not give him that support and would say, "You really need to finish.  You only have one year left and it will help you with your future."  Did I push my kids to be good people?  You bet I did.  Do I feel like I excessively pushed them.  No.

You took a stance against his immature behavior and now he is having to live with the consequences he created.  So you have now become the "bad" guy because he didn't get his way and where is the best place for him to get support against you?  The very person that would agree with him on everything.  He is deflecting his responsibility and placing the blame on you and saying hurtful things to you to excuse his own bad behavior.  It is so much easier to blame someone else for our faults.  And good ole' dad is the perfect person to go along with him.

I think you are doing the right things already.  You are initiating contact after the fuss, you are reaching out to him.  You are letting him know, that know matter what happened, you love him.  I think you are going to have to follow what we talk about all the time.  Let him go, but still let him know you care.  I still text my son every couple of weeks with "Are you alive?"  I still buy him birthday presents and things on holidays and invite him over.  It is now in his ballcourt if he chooses to accept anything.  But he will have to look back later and truthfully say that I tried.

I am very sorry you are going through this, and you so don't deserve this kind of disrespect from him.  Hang in there Ree and know that you are doing a great job.

[luise.volta]

Sorry everybody, I really messed up this time. What is coming through is so wonderful but it isn't for me. It is for our Newbie named "Ree." She posted via Personal Message and I was trying to get it up onto the board for her.

What is being written in perfect for you, Ree.

I am 83 and have no youngsters age 24. My youngest son is 55 and officially a Senior Citizen. My grandchildren are married..my biological grandchild is just finishing high school and my step-great grandchildren are in college.

[Pooh]

Oops.  I just saw the whole (forwarded for Ree) and assumed it was the response to your post that was forwarded.  Now, I see what you did from the get-go.  Well thank goodness for the modify button because my response still remains the same for Ree.

[luise.volta]

If and when that ever happens again (and if I can remember) I will write an explanation first. Always a learning curve...Life. Sending love...

[Ree]

Hello Everyone,

Thank you all for your input.   It's really been difficult not to cry.  I've been praying for strength.
My only son's 24th birthday is on Friday the 18th of June.
I bought him something for his birthday.  This is the only birthday that I've never baked him a cake. Yep, 23 different cakes so far.

I'm very nervous for some reason and I don't know if I should give it to him or keep it here just in case he decides to eventually start communicating with me again.  It's been well over a month and he has not called, replied to the emails that I sent him or came here
to get his mail. (It's really piling up.)  I had planned to drive to his dad's house with the mail and  gifts or call my son and ask him to meet me somewhere for a meal.  (Good or bad idea?)  I've always taught him that birthdays are special so I know he's expecting me to contact him.  Now that this has happened, I don't want this to be another opportunity for him and his dad to gang up on me or reject me.  Yet, I know that if I remain silent, his dad will use my actions to reinforce his "hate your Mom like I do" campaign.  I love my son and I want him to talk to me so that we can let the healing begin.  I don't want to be hurt anymore by someone that I love so much. Thanks in advance for your prayers any additional feedback you can give.

Sincerely,
Ree

[luise.volta]

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. The only thing I can say is to comment on how you "want your son to be"...which is willing to talk. We all face that and beyond it is having them be how they are, until they choose to change that. Sending love...

[Pen]

Ree, I'm sorry you're in such pain. Since you can't control your DS's reactions or your XDH's propaganda, you'll have to put aside expectations for a particular result when you follow your heart. If you can deal with DS's possible rejection of your birthday wishes, you might want to go for it (erring on the side of love?) Best wishes to you.

[Ree]

  I've decided to go ahead and deliver the birthday gift and send an email and text a picture to my son on Friday.  ...just want to be brave and trust that love will find it's way in while still keeping my emotions in tact.   I'll post the outcome.  Thank you all for the encouragement.

[cadagi101]

Good Luck Ree.  My first post.  I feel for you.  Your post is my life as well.   Reading all these wise and wonderful
comments is so healing, please post back, I can't really say enough at the moment but i am thinking
of you. 

[Ree]

Well, everyone I called and sent text mesages on my son's 24th birthday.  He called me back while he was enroute to work.  I told him happy birthday and he said thanks.  I asked him what his plans for day were and offered to meet him for lunch.  He declined and said he was going to work a different shift, get off early and go to the movies with a girl.  I asked about the girl and he told he he'd "rther not talk about her... because it's nothing serious..."I told him I had a birthday gift for him.  He was silent.

He then said that he had received the apology email message I sent him last month.  I asked him why didn't he reply to it.  He said he didn't know.  I told him that we need to make things right between us...  but kept it light because I didn't want  him to be unhappy on his special day.  In short he STILL did not apologize to me.  I felt and still feel very hurt, but I didn't say anything else about it.  It's been 9 days since I spoke to him.    Him not calling or writing me back with an apology, his things here, his pictures everywhere, his mail piling up, phone calls from other people for him continue to interfere with my ability to move forward.

I keep seeing mothers and sons on TV.  I see mothers and sons in social settings and I am crying inside. I guess he really does want me out of his life and he has chosen his dad over me.  I feel cheated!  Why don't I get to share his joyful moments?  Why don't I get to hear him laugh and see him smile over his success or the fun times he's having?  All the years of struggling to raise him alone and I don't even get a phone call!  All the hard work is done and his (invisible, non-supportive)dad gets the friendship, conversation, protection and companionship now that my son is an adult?  My sadness has turned to anger, so I'm going to end here and try to get in a positive frame of mind before I start crying.  Thanks for the opportunity to vent.  Have a good evening everyone.

[allcriedout]

Hi Ree,

My heart goes out to you. As I read your post, I could see some of my own words and way of thinking. What really stood out to me the most is what I pulled from the end of your last post.  I know it feels like he is choosing his dad over you but actually his dad is the safe place for him to lay his head right now. You challenged his laziness and he didnt like it, so where else did he have to go?  You are definitely creating a scenario when you say that his dad now gets the friendship, conversation, protection and companionship.  Was that what you got from him while he was staying with you? Not necessarily so, right?  I am sure things arent so rosie over there at Daddy's place and if they are, that wont last very long.  You are doing what they call in the psychology world, 'emotional reasoning' which is when you assume that your negative emotions reflect the way things really are: "I feel it, therefore it must be true."   I know this because I do this all of the time!  They arent over there living happily ever after.  I can guarantee that.  I feel your pain. My son turned 21 last November and it was the first time ever that I didnt get to talk to him on his birthday. I also didnt hear from him over the holidays, new years, my birthday or mothers day. He told me last month, one week after mothers day,  to act like he didnt exist and he is now talking to his dad more than he did before.  Its hurtful, because like yourself I was a single mother who was always there for him. My exhusband wasnt in the picture very much.  Besides court ordered child support, he didnt do much anything else.  Even while we were married, I was the one who practically raised our three boys on my own.  My original post is under the motherinlaw/daughterinlaw section.  I feel like I have lost my son forever, but others tell me that he will come around. The same will happen for you. Your son will come back to you. Just give it time. Hugs to you~

I guess he really does want me out of his life and he has chosen his dad over me.  I feel cheated!  Why don't I get to share his joyful moments?  Why don't I get to hear him laugh and see him smile over his success or the fun times he's having?  All the years of struggling to raise him alone and I don't even get a phone call!  All the hard work is done and his (invisible, non-supportive)dad gets the friendship, conversation, protection and companionship now that my son is an adult?  My sadness has turned to anger, so I'm going to end here and try to get in a positive frame of mind before I start crying.  Thanks for the opportunity to vent.  Have a good evening everyone.

[cadagi101]

Ree, I really believe  things are going to work out for you and your son, and that is because you want it so badly. He didn't have to call you back when you texted him, he didn;'t have to say thanks to your birthday wishes, he could have said he didn't get any apology letter from you.  He wants to have the upper hand and he will let you know "when" he needs you and my advice is not to say :how high" when he says jump.    My son and I have a similar relationship and I am over the crying (it has taken years though).  Last night he rang to speak to his sister (very rare he usually tells her she's fat, gross and how much he hates her.  20 year old behaviour god help us.    She got her license and wanted to know how she went.  A small gesture like that on his behalf means so much to me.   Anyhow I answered the phone and as I said (and I don't know whethe I handled it well) but I was sick of being the verbal punching bag so he said hello and I said who do you want to speak to?  I have the flu so it did sound worse than I intended.  He said 'what!don;t you speak to me like that I know you hate me!!put DD on.   I felt just a little bit bad and spoke to him, I said sorry I sounded so cranky I wasn't I have a bad flu.  He said so do I mum that's alright.   That is a long winded way of explaining to youI feel alright about that because he know I do care enough to apologise but I have no intention of ringing him back to see how he is.    I know my husband and I need to back right of, ds will come around one day What you have dtaught him in his life will become clearer to him as he gets older and who wouldn't get sick of lazy unmotivated dad.   As for your ex  badmouthing you to your son, your ds is not 10 years old,  your ds know you are a good person and you never know that might work in your favour as you ds comes back to youYou are his mum idf youi want him in your life than give it time lots of time he'll come around, even if it is only just a little bit at a time, things will improve just look after yourself, do things you love to do everyday.