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Plan to cut off my parents

Started by Jumping for joy, January 07, 2015, 06:14:04 am

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Jumping for joy

I am 30 years old and I have never been able to get along with my parents.  When I was a baby and child my "mother" beat me with a belt every night. She also hit me when I was a teen and adult until I cut her out of my life.  When I cut her out, my "mother" started hitting my adult sister and "father" That is basically all I remember is being beaten.  My "father" would tell me to act better, but no matter how I tried I could not avoid it.

My parents liked my older sister more than me for some reason.  Although she developed a compulsive eating habit and is too fat to get pregnant.

My sister and I have both have had successful careers with no drugs/alcohol or bad relationships.  My "mother" uses this to show she wasn't that bad of a parent. 

Both of my parents drank every night.

I have had as little contact with my parents for the last 9 years.  I have done some therapy, but not nearly enough.  Over the last few years, my "mother" had been trying to rebuild a relationship with me; perhaps so she can have a relationship with my kids. 

She has basically said that at this point she will do anything to try to have a relationship with me. I have tried to open myself to a relationship, but everything she does seems hateful to me.  I was feeling miserable, so my husband held me and told me he had never seen me so miserable and he just would do anything to make me happy.  Then I realized that her wanting a relationship with me was selfish.

Over the last several years, I have had 2 children and a husband and been wildly happy/joyful.  I have taken parenting classes.  I read to my children every night and stay plugged into their needs.  I have never hit them and rarely ever need to tell them no because they are so good. 

My therapist had told me that he would cut her out.  All the people in my adult children of alcoholics support group said she has been less than worthless and you owe her nothing.  Still some part of me feels like I do wish we could work things out. 

What is your opinion? 


QuoteStill some part of me feels like I do wish we could work things out.

Of course we all want to have a "family".  Of course we all want empathy and caring and understanding.  Of course we all want to be 5'10" and super slim.  Of course we all want gorgeous skin, shiny hair and haunting eyes.  But, in life we do not always get what we want.  I agree with your therapist to "cut her out".  Unfortunately, this appears to me to be the only solution (unless your mother who seems to be an alcoholic and mentally ill suddenly recovers).  So sorry for this loss.  And so glad you have a supportive and loving husband and children.


Welcome Jumping.  When you get a moment, please read the forum rules located under "Open Me First".  Nothing wrong with your post, we ask all new members to do this.

My opinion is that you have to do what is right for you and your family.  I am never an advocate for cutting off relationships for silly reasons or no reason, but I am always an advocate for cutting off relationships with toxic people that do not bring any joy to your life and only misery.  To me, it's not about a title (Mother, Daughter, DIL, MIL, etc.) but about an individual.  I agree with jdtm, your Mother doesn't seem to take any responsibility for her actions and continues her destructive behavior.

As a side note, I'm not defending your Father, but if your Mother was also abusing him, I do feel badly for him.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


Glad you found us, J. I too would rather see things work out in families of origin (FsOO) rather than a cut off on a whim. But your situation sounds pretty dire, and I agree with Pooh that when relationships are abusive or toxic it's best to take care of yourself and your family.

My FOO wasn't anything like yours, but the emotional abuse I endured has made me very leery of being close to my DF and his wife. I feel much better when I am not trying to get them to like me. Since they don't live locally, and basically are "good" people, I didn't allow my issues to interfere with their relationships with my children. As my children became adults they saw on their own how my DF and his wife have treated me, and they have quietly backed off a bit too.

Before I let it go, my DH was suffering because I was putting so much effort into a relationship that was never going to be fulfilling to me while letting my relationship with DH sit on the proverbial backburner. Now my relationship with DH comes first! He's the one who is always there for me, loves me, accepts me for who I am, etc. It sounds like you too have a supportive DH. That is truly a blessing.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Jumping, I certainly see why you would want to cut all ties to your DM and I think if you decide to do that then good for you!  You seem somewhat reluctant and I can certainly sympathize with that.  Maybe there is a way that you can have the best of both worlds?  Cut your current cell phone # back to the very basics and turn it off.  Tell everyone else that you have a new phone and give them your number so they can reach you but ask them not to share the number with anyone (I would not mention your DM in particular).  If your DM drops in unexpectedly tell her to stop and if she does not then just don't answer the door.  If she won't leave call the police.  Get a new email address for all of your friends and other relatives.  Now you are communicating on your own terms!

When you feel up to it you can turn your old phone on and answer her messages.  If she has been rude when she left the last message then call her and tell her that you will not respond to her if she acts that way and hang up and turn the phone back off.  Repeat as often as needed.

The same can be done with email just remember to wait until you are ready to deal with it to open it up........

When she gets the message, if she gets the message, you can invite her out for lunch.  If things work well then great!  If not you can always leave the restaurant and revert to the earlier treatment of her calls and emails.  Try very hard not to get mad!!  Those who anger you control you so do not allow her to push your buttons!  Besides that if you leave in a huff you appear less mature and in control of your life.  Your statement will be much stronger if you just stand up and say "You cannot treat me like that" and walk out. 

In this way you are not 'cutting her out' you are setting boundaries.  The thing to remember is that she is no longer necessary in your life and as long as she is not adding to the pleasure in your life you will not allow her access to you.
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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