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I'm not alone

Started by sogoesit, January 07, 2015, 07:26:39 am

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My DD has left us or disowned us over the past 20 years on and off (she will be 40 this year).   You think i would be better equipped emotionally each time she has deserted us, but it never gets any easier.  This last time she took 3 precious GDs.  It has been the worse because of the GDs.  Our DD was surrounded by a loving family growing up, two sets of grandparents still married to each other, and her father and I are still married.   We are a religious middle income family and and she was taught to be responsible, caring, and family centered.  Our DS is a man we are extremely proud of and his loyalty to us and his remaining grandparent is truly a blessing.  We tell him everyday how much we appreciate him.  He told me just last night, that his sister who is 4 years older tried numerous times to poison him against us.  I'm learning more each day about how she disliked us and at a very early age. This last time she deserted us and turn against us, she tried to get her father's family to hate us, especially me.   DD has been treated for a disorder, but she denies it.   
I feel very fortunate after reading some other posts that my DD was not able to turn any other family members against us, except for the GDs.  They are hers, and her third husband, along with another GD she had with him.  She has alienated the GDs from their real father, (second husband) whom we still consider as family.  The 12 years she was married to him were the only years she allowed us somewhat into her life and the GDs.  She lives with her now third husband who is not so nice (we tried to get along with him) and heavily involved with a motorcycle gang which he considers his family.    We are not of that lifestyle, but respect those who want to chose it if they are law abiding.   So, we don't fit in, and most likely another reason for the alienation.   

One thing I have learned is that we can't change anything, it is up to her and her choice whether she wants us in her life or not.  I have learned to count the blessings I do have, however, a mother's love is undying, you never stop thinking about your child or loving them, no matter what the circumstances, no matter how much they have hurt you.  There is always the burning desire to make things right with the adult child who stands against you for whatever the reason.  I will keep her in my heart, ready to forgive her of the hurtful acts she has done to me, and vow to not bring them up if she ever comes back to us.  This is what I have learned, it doesn't pay to throw in your estranged DD or DS face the wrongs they have done like you did when they were children or the door will most likely close again.  Your children are not children anymore, they are adults, and even though in past generations, elders were to be honor and respected, it isn't like that nowadays.  Your feelings have to be put aside, and even if you have done this, don't be surprise if the alienation and hate still can raise its ugly head again.  It is a merry-go-round I may never get off with my DD.  I have to be the strong one and the one willing to get beat up emotionally every time...I have to be prepared for this...it is a mother's undying love. 


Welcome, S. Please take a moment to read the pink-highlighted items under Open Me First on the home page. We ask this of all new members to make sure everyone is aware of site policies and that the site is a good fit. Welcome aboard!

It sounds as if you have a good handle on your situation, as painful as it is. I'm glad you're here for the support and community these wonderful, wise women provide. My life is better for them, too.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


S, I got off of that merry-go-round by looking at my DS and realizing that if I were not his mother that I would not even want to be around him.  It was a sobering thought but one that brought a surprising amount of peace with it.  I am not saying that I do not love him, I always will, but now whether he is involved with me or not is really not as critical.  Funny thing....it is like he felt the shift and things have gotten better between us.  It is still not great but it is so much better than it was before!  Good luck to you!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown


I have resolved myself a few times to get off the merry-go-round with her, and like you the situation improved on her part.  It got complicated because of the GDs and my need to let them know I loved them by sending birthday and holiday cards.  For the past 2 years I have never received a response or thank you.  We have received no Mother or Father day cards, no birthday or holiday cards from our DD for the last 2 years, and prior years before she married her second husband (the decent one she divorced) from our daughter, and nothing from the 3 GDs who range in age from 16 to 11 years old since marrying her third husband.  Because the GDs are older, I have decided once again to get off the merry-go-round for 2015 because it only hurts me more and when they don't respond in any way to my cards and love that I send. It is a new hurt all over again.  My husband and I were there for the birth of each GD except the one she had by husband number 3.  We spent every birthday with our 3 GDs until she divorced their father (12 with first GD, 10 with second GD, and 7 with third GD) and haven't been invited to another birthday for them again due to SIL number 3.  Our DD has alienated the GDs from their real father and the courts believe the stories.  We lived right next door to them, so we know the truth was not being told.  We had to sell our house and move, things were going from bad to worse, our world fell apart in one night.   Our DD was having an affair with now husband 3 we later discovered for almost a year before surprising all of us with her very fast divorce.  The courts just want to get rid of these custody cases, and DD is very intelligent and studied law, albeit, she has never been able to earn a college degree due to her inability to complete anything or stick with anything, and she is very believable, she fooled me quite a bit as a pre-teen and teenager.  I was too naive and trusting of her also, although her father less so.   DD and GDs don't feel bad about not sending me (or her father/their grandfather) a card for my birthday or holiday, so the feeling should be mutual.  I don't want to appear to be needy and desperate for their love and attention.  I think people lose respect for someone who acts desperate and needy emotionally.  No one should grovel for another's attention and love, they either love you or they don't.  Move on, and feel bless to have others who do love you.  It is a refreshing and liberating feeling!!  :)


Still learning, your statement helps me a lot and I've been mulling over that issue for a few years -- that is, if I weren't DD's mother, I would not want to be around her. Yes, I will always love her but do not like the person she has become. She criticizes me, is rude, disrespectful and not thoughtful. So just because she's a family member doesn't give her the right to treat us wrongly. These sobering thoughts keep me from sinking into a depressed state.


Shiny, I liked your statement, "just because she is a family member doesn't give her the right to treat us wrongly." Thank you for that, we have to show our adult children that we value ourselves and stand up to them if their behavior is offensive.  Always be loving and understanding to them, but be firm in the belief you matter and your own self worth.   Be the mature one, show self control, and don't allow yourself to be bullied..walk away and stay away until he or she can understand their offensive behavior and emotional abuse, and change on their own accord.


Sogoes, you've nailed this! It's summed up, so now all we have to do is keep reminding ourselves how to behave!


Welcome S.  It truly is a matter of learning that we can't control someone else, only how we react to them or choose not to.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


I know GC make it more difficult to "lovingly detach" or whatever. Some members have chosen to put together scrapbooks, etc. to share later if/when their GC make contact as adults. I'm not sure how I would handle it, but it's something to think about.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb