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My daughters seem like strangers

Started by sybilla, December 05, 2014, 02:31:24 am

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December 05, 2014, 02:31:24 am Last Edit: December 08, 2014, 05:55:59 am by Pooh
I am new to this site but I have been reading a lot of posts which have given me comfort knowing that there are a lot of mothers out there battling with similar problems. Mine may not be as serious but they are bothering me constantly and making me very bitter which I don't want to become.

We have two adult daughters. Both are well educated with good jobs. The younger one has three small childen. The older one has none. Lately I have the feeling that they don't care about us at all. That is how it feels. Weeks can pass where I don't hear anything from them. I have tried to phone the younger one but she is always busy (full time job), fetching the kids, working or having friends over (that is a very big priority in young peoples life). I can understand and accept that. A text message would be nice but not even that which means they just never think about us and it hurts. The older one is even worse. Never to be reached. I love her as a mum but she is a selvcentered woman. She has not really grown up. Basically she only contacts us if she wants some help (and we are always helping and her not really appreciating it). I know it is a hard ting to say about your children but that is the way it is. She is of course also her good sides. I could not say that we are quarelling with our children or have differences. We are just met with indifference. We don't mean anything (so it seems). We are invited to the grand childrens birthdays together with their friends whom we don't really know. That of course is something wich some grand parents are not even allowed  and after a long "trial" period my daughter now knows that the grandkids like being here with us. Both my husband and me are getting older and I start thinking about whether we would get any help at all from our daughters if needed and I get more and more disillusioned (and realistic). On top of that we live 2 hours drive from both of them. I have told my husband that we might as well face the fact that we will be all on our own and that is hard to face.

We have been good parents giving our daughters a stable home without spoiling them. Of course we have made mistakes but I can honestly say we have done our best and would have done anything for our children. Have all the old values disappeared? I have had a tough childhood with a mother not
being very nice to me but I have still respected her when she grew old because I know that bringing up seven children and little money was not easy.
There was never any question of helping or not helping. My children don't have that respect for me or my husband and it hurts.
I think parents with good relationships with their children have hit the jackpot and then you ask yourself where did it go wrong. But of course there is no point.

I have come to the conclusion (reading all the good advice given on this forum) that I have to treat them like any other adult (not like my children).
With politeness and no expectations, thinking of myself first but if somebody has some more advice of how to deal with it, it would be very welcome.

I live in Scandinavia and at this time of the year it gets light at 9 a.m. and dark at 3 a.m. So it is the season for gloomy thoughts.
Thanks for listening


Welcome, S. If that is your real name, I suggest you pick another one that would protect you anonymity. It offers more room for safe, online sharing.

We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First, to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to make sure WWU is a fit, we're a monitored Website.

I think, as you read the stories here that you will find many approaches to what you are facing. No matter what path we take, it takes time to accept and adjust to looking beyond our biological roll...if the need arises. I had to work hard to regain, actually recreate, my self respect and to see my eldest son as an adult who was free to make his own choices...whether they made sense to me or not...and whether they met my minimal expectations or not. Healing came slowly and painfully for me, and what I have to offer here is to tell you it was worth it. I'm free to give myself what I deserve, which is a loving and fulfilling life. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Welcome S.  It seems you already have a good grip on that you have to let them go and lead their own lives.  The only thing that I would be cautious of is that the oldest only contacts you when she needs help.  Many of us have seen patterns of this and it can get worse and worse, and then when you can't help (or decide you are closing the bank of Mom), they get upset and end the relationship.  I think that is a two-way street.  We get mad that they do this, but yet we continue to help and enable them. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell