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Which way to turn

Started by shiny, November 12, 2014, 10:12:00 PM

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shiny

B, thanks for your comment. Sounds like you've come a long ways towards healing for yourself, too.

Pooh, you hit the nail on the head. I feel the same as you.
Her DH has been the main source of info regarding the GC for past six years (schedules for school/sporting events, etc).
He's always kindly responded to us -- never rude nor ignored us when we want to talk with the kids or see them.
We can see that she has made this all about her, taking on a victim status, and not what's best for the kids. But it's been that way for years. Nothing new.
Such a sad way to live. I hope someone will help renew her mind to a healthy place.
But it's not going to be me, as I'm considered the enemy.

Pooh

I love my family.  But just because they are my "family", doesn't make them right all the time.  It sounds truly like your DH is doing his part to help keep them in your life.  He deserves some kudos for that. 

I just severed ties with a good friend of many years the other day.  She was constantly playing the "victim", when in reality, she was the cause of her own problems 99.9% of the time.  It's been coming.  The other day, she called whining about something.  I finally told her, "Look, we are all entitled to pity parties.  We throw them for ourselves and move on.  But you having to stop sending out invitations and then getting mad when people choose not to attend."  Needless to say, that phone call didn't end well.

I do still have sympathy and empathy for people.  I'm just to the point in my life where I am tired of being around constantly negative people.  Life is too short. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

shiny

P, I know posts get confusing at times, but it's actually her DH, my SIL, that I'm referring to.

After reading your story, I think that's what happened in my case, too.
DD is 'hurt' because we won't join her side, and be mean to him b/c they can't get along.
We don't want to get down in the trenches with them. After all, he is our GCs' father and takes care of them.

You're right, life is waay too short for this nonsense.

Stilllearning

Quote from: shiny on November 12, 2014, 10:12:00 PM

This all came about because I emailed her DH and asked him for GC's clothing size. They've been separated for six years and the GC live with him.
Things are getting rather heated lately --probably headed towards divorce, and she's been out of control.


OK Shiny, so now I see.  Most women who are involved in a contested divorce become borderline crazy, at least for a while.  It looks like your SIL has decided to use your contact with him as a means to hurt your DD.  It is an underhanded but often used tactic in arguments and could actually be a way that your SIL tries to convince your DD how worthless she is (not that she is but she is in a very vulnerable place and some people think "winning the argument" is the point in having an argument). 

It sounds to me like he might be being mean to her and you might seem to be taking his side instead of seeming to be neutral. 

I am not really sure how I would handle this situation....so volatile, so painful.  I am so sorry you are having to deal with this!  Hugs!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

luise.volta

P - I am drawn to positive people. It feels like I'm being kind to myself by doing that and keeping myself healthy. I am no into enabling victimism and taking it into my consciousness. It seems like a choice to me, a mind set, when it is constantly repetitive. I choose, to not go there.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

blessedmom

I'm learning to limit the negative people in my life also. It's hard to do when the circus comes with a child you love.
Pooh I admire you being able to take a stand. Enough is enough.

Pooh

Sorry Shiny.  I wrote that wrong.  I did understand it was her DH.  I wouldn't be drug down either simply because if they do follow through with the divorce, sounds like he might end up with the children.  Then you truly want to have a decent relationship with him as he will hold the keys to you being able to see them.  I don't see her picking them up for visitation and bringing them to see you since she's already playing the "mad" card.

Blessedmom, it's just in the last year that I have been able to start eliminating the toxic people from my life.  I guess I do have my DH/DIL situation to thank for that. :)

Me too Luise...I'm learning to surround myself with people that laugh, smile and roll with the punches. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell