Power Struggles with DILs

[luise.volta]

Yes, progress...Pen. Inch by inch the miles go by. 

[Pen]

Thanks, everyone. This site has helped me more than anything else I've encountered. I'm so glad I stumbled in!

[stilltryen]

DILs!!  I won't even go into all the crap from the wedding, so fine.  They're married.  Two weeks later (after they get back from the honeymoon), they invited me & hubby to their house as they were going to open the gifts.  We were told to get there at 7, which we did.  We walked in and my son and his new wife were having dinner with her parents.  We were not invited to dinner, we were just invited to watch them open the gifts.  I never said anything.  We had them over for the holidays and miscellaneous other events.  When we see DS, he'll say, "Yeah, her folks were over for dinner last Sunday," or "We had her folks over for a bbq," etc.  Not a call or anything for our birthdays, but, of course, we're expected to remember theirs.  Anyway, a couple of months ago, DS and I are having lunch and he mentions that her parents were over for dinner.  I guess I was in the mood, so I said, "That's really nice that you two are so close to her parents.  We haven't been invited to your home for over a year."  It must have hit home because we've been invited twice since then. 

OH!  But no, you see DIL is not happy that she has to host us for dinner.  My son has to make all the food for us and after dinner, I help him clean up.  She just sits there and does absolutely nothing.  She's civil, but believes everything I say is "code" for some other underlying thing.  The dogs had spilled some water from their bowl, so I got a paper towel and said, "Oh, I'll wipe this before anyone slips on it.  The dogs dripped some water here."  Ooops, that evidently was "code" for "your house is filthy."  She got upset with me.  I really don't even want to bother at this point, but I know that's not the answer either.   Long sigh...............

[Pen]

Wow! You were invited to their house? I'm impressed! 

DS has been married a few years and we've never (I'm not embellishing) been invited to their house for anything except to help them move, and on those occasions I had to speak up to get a lunch break. They would have worked us literally to death on the hottest day of the year. It's her parents in, DS's parents out.

[stilltryen]

Wow penstamen, that's terrible.  My son has been married about a year and a half.  The good part is that I talk to him all the time and I'm really close to him.  I know that he wants us to be friends, but we're both very strong-willed and frankly, I'm not willing to put up with stuff.  I'll go so far and then that's it.  She is a spoiled rotten only child whose parents were very well off and indulged her.  If something doesn't interest her, she doesn't bother.  They seem to be happy, so we pretty much leave them alone.  If they want something, we help them, otherwise we're not interested in their affairs - since, as I said, I see my DS quite frequently.  I could care less about seeing her.  However, now she's pregnant.  She's forbidden us to buy anything for the baby until she has a chance to "research it."  I'm not sure how much research is involved on a 100% cotton receiving blanket . . . but . . . um . . . okay.  Whatever.  She didn't let us tell anyone she was pregnant for the longest time.  She comes up with all these rules, now the excitement of our first grandchild has gone by the wayside, that's for sure.  I never know if I'm going to offend her with something else. 

[luise.volta]

Walking on eggshells. I just hate it! When a person, (MIL or DIL) has a sense of entitlement, it's a road block! 

[luise.volta]

Anna - You and I have asthma and cat allergy in common, unfortunately. I also have COPD with emphysema from years of asthma. I was cured of the cat allergy about 20 years ago with NLP hypnosis. Amazing. After the session, (about 1/2 an hour), I was told to go someplace where there were lots of long-term cat residents. I cringed because we were leaving on a Hawaii vacation the next day...and I knew I would be in the hospital instead. But I did it. Went into my friend's house,  picked up one of her cats and buried my face in her fur. My friend was terrified. There was a moment when I could feel my respiratory track saying "Shouldn't we be doing something here?"...LOL...and then that passed and I have never had a moment's trouble since. (Except that my lungs are trashed.) The NLP hypnotherapist was my son Kirk.

[Pooh]

Gee thanks Luise.  I had to go "google" NLP hypnosis to find out what it was.....lol.

[luise.volta]

 

[cremebrulee]

I am new here but I found this site in hopes of finding help for a DIL problem. My son is a newlywed (less than a year). He has not lived at home in over 12 years. We do not know his wife well and they live 1000 miles from us. We do not call our son often nor do we demand visits or anything like that. We supported his marriage and wedding both financially and emotionally. We told his wife we were happy to have her as a DIL. We have done everything we know to do to develop a good relationship yet she persists in being distant and cold.  We have not seen our son in nearly 10 months. Yet we are considered "meddlesome" by his new wife. She seems to us to be engaged in what she sees as a power struggle for his attention---all of his attention. Prior to him meeting, dating and marrying her....we had a good relationship with our son. Now it seems our son is drifting further and further away as he tries to please her need to disassociate from his family.  What gives? I just don't understand. Now my heart is not nearly as open as it once was towards our DIL. I suppose I am trying to protect myself from further hurt and rejection. Is there anyone out there with similar issues? There is no open warfare---no name calling---nothing but stoney silence in our relationship (or lack of relationship) with our DIL. 

I'm so sorry your going thru this...please understand, what I'm about to say applies to me..and only me...I went thru the same things and here is what, I did not understand at the time.

When our sons are with us, they depend on us...we are the women in they're lives...however, when sons take a wife, our lives as we know it change forever, and that is what most parents do not understand, especially mothers b/c for most of our lives our children were our purpose, first and foremost.  So they marry and we are so happy, to have a DIL, some of us, ecstatic, it's what we've always wanted....however....

When our sons are dating they're future wives...all they talk about is us, why, b/c that's all they know how to talk about, mom does this or that, or she's the best cook, or a good mother, etc....if our son's are dating a woman with little confidence, this will greatly intimidate her....hurt her and make her fear she will never be able to live up to us....

We as older, more confident women, have learned to live life by our own rules....so we tend to get in this rut of thinking everyone else thinks and feels like we do....and when they don't, we are very outspoken, not to mean any insult, but the older we get, the more things just roll out of our mouths, and speaking for myself, I know that's true....we have been used to doing things one way (ours) for years...we forget that things have changed, and they don't take care of babies the  way they used to, they don't give them solid food as early as they did our kids....everything goes against how we grew up...and when we voice our opinions, it hurts these young girls who are not only inexperienced, but afraid...I mean, try and think back to when you were her age....and your mother in law..hopefully you got along, but I'm sure you can remember those times when she was a pain in the butt....

It's no different....but one thing I found out thru experience, we as mother's have to learn to let go, and I mean let go, b/c the more we fight it, the harder we make it on ourselves....

I can't say as this is the problem your having...what I'm saying is, to please consider my words....

I forgot that I was no longer the matron of the family, that my GD is my Daughter in law's child, not mine, and I don't get to say how she does things, how she raises her and what she dresses her in, it's none of my business, also, it is none of my business what they're finances are...all that I should concern myself with as a mother, is that my son is happy...if our son's wouldn't be, they would not be with they're wives.

We as mother's are hurt inside, b/c the games over and we still want to play, and we don't know where to go from here, as our lives have changed forever...it is a habit a mother gets into, putting everyone else first....and looking to they're needs first, that when that job comes to a screeching halt, it's a shock to our nervous systems.

Sure our DIL's are going to think and feel differently about things, why, b/c she was raised differently...and she has her own ideas of how she wants to do things, regardless of what we think...and we must remember, this is her household as much as it is his...and when we're in they're homes we are guests....no more, no less....

We should never take advantage of the fact of boundaries....shouldn't be calling our sons or emailing them, every single day....I watch my friends who get along with they're DIL's....and they don't overstep boundaries, or tell they're DIL's how to raise they're kids...I know one person told me, it drove them nuts b/c they're MIL gave her kids candy....we shouldn't be doing that, those are the little things that go against they're grain...it's like, wull, they're our Grandkids and we're going to do it...wrong!  You see, we tend to take so many things for granted....and do things the way we were taught...and if someone tells us otherwise, we take it as, "Wull we're the adults, and this is the way it should be".  Wrong...they are adults to, and as much as I wanted to believe that my son was being smitten and told what to do....well, simply put, he changed, yes and people do change when they get married, they're whole outlook on life changes, they fall in love with another woman, who is going to care for them, who comes first, and who they love more then anything else in the world...including mom....they love us, but in a different way...that's life and the way it should be....

I read so many wrong things into what my daughter in law was doing, she thought I hated her, I thought she hated me, and we both thought each of us was trying to drive a wedge between her husband and my son and me...

I'm very very lucky...what I learned from this is all of the above and more...and that the greatest gift of love you can give someone you love, is to let them go...let them move on and allow them to change, b/c it is inevitable....change is a necessary part of life....and now we as mom's have to bow out gracefully and respond when we are called upon, but we do not and should not make ourselves victims...allow ourselves to be used...we should never be bailing our kids out of debt, or giving them money....b/c when we give them large sums of money, I don't care who you are, we're going to expect someting back...

When we take care of our grand children, it is normal for us to feel even more entitled....and we should not, we are simply the babysitter, take that time you have with your grand child and be happy for it, don't expect any more....any less....just as it is...don't go against your DIL's wishes no matter how silly you might think they are...if that is what she wants, that is what she would expect of you or any babysitter regardless of who it is....

We as our son's mothers have no entitlement to claim...this is the woman he chose, and if he is indeed unhappy, then he is the one that must make some serious decisions, we have no business getting involved or giving advice....he is the one who has a life to learn...through his own mistakes, not us...and it is no longer our job to try and protect him....b/c the more involved we get, the more it could backfire, and when you say something to him, in regards to a disagreement you've had with DIL, he takes it like your demeaning her, how would you take it if it was someone talking to you about your spouse, especially your parents....

So, that is my advice...even with the most difficult of DIL's....we need to bud out...and grow in a different direction, it is healthy and good....we now need to put ourselves first and not depend on our son's and DIL's for our happiness.  I have not seen my grand daughter in over 3 years....and I'm going to be seeing her very soon....

I have learned a very hard lesson to learn....I took ownership in this...there were things I did wrong, as much as I didn't' want to believe it...there were...and now, I'm looking forward to loving and respecting my DIL from a distance...and my son from a distance to...his life is no longer my concern.  Do I love him, heck yeah, with my life....but, I am no longer the lady in his life, nor am I needed as a mother....he has a new life, a new wife...and my job is done, so, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to exit on this note...plan things for you to do, that you can look foreward to....create good new things in your life...your life is not over, it has just begun...and you are the artist behind a brush that has an empty canvas to paint....

[Pooh]

THAT my friend, just went into the MIL and Mother hall of fame!

[luise.volta]

Wow, Creme! 

All I am going to add is that our sons have to decide. Some remain close to us without hanging on to our apron strings, some try to and fail...and some don't even try. They have different dispositions, different goals and different wives. The ball is in their court.

We have been "let go"... as Creme says, whether we let go or not. For a very long time we were the ultimate authority...no more. And that's a good thing. Kids become adults by standing tall. We did, remember? And life isn't over...we were fine before we became mothers and we can be fine again.

[Nana]

I too say   WOW Creme:

As I have to put my thoughts together, I will comment later on your post.  I sure respect your way of thinking.  That is all I have to say now.  LOL

Luise.....I agree with you, We were fine before we had our children (we functioned, we laughed, we enjoyed).  But when we have to let go......we will survive .    God, in his mercy gave us the strength and ability to move forward.   

[keeponsmilin]

Awesome post Creme-

Early in my marriage, my MIL "sweetly" tried to advise us about housekeeping, childcare, car selection, type of lunch meat to purchase, the temperature the dryer should be set on, etc.  The problem was that I had been married prior to her son, and had 2 small children already.  I had been running my own household for year before hubby came along.  These little "hints" drove me bananas.  MIL was never rude or mean spirited, but she annoyed us (yes- husband included) at almost every visit.  Then one day at lunch, MIL started complaining about how HER mother, Nadine, always tries to tell her how to run her life.  Hubby burst out laughing.  Now, anytime MIL starts overstepping the bounds with her advice, hubby says something like, "Okay Nadine". MIL will laugh and apologize.  I really don't think she ever made the connection between how her mother made her feel, and how she was treating us.  She is now aware, and things are much more pleasant.

[luise.volta]

  Great story! And too true!