MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.

[AnnieB]

Just as all DIL's are not the same, neither are all MIL's -- so our answering these questions may have nothing to do with your MIL.

1.  Do you feel like your DIL is actually just a DIL or will you see her as one of your own?

I don't know what "just a DIL" is... I think a DIL is a special member of the family because she's someone one of my sons picked as a partner.  If he loves and picked her, she's special. 

She isn't one of my own - she's a unique person.  I have two DIL's and a third son's gf.  Three different personalities, three different relationships.  They are all members of my family to me, even if we are not getting along.

2.  Did you as a MIL had a 'idealistic' dream about how your DIL should look like/act like?

Being a MIL was nothing I ever dreamed of.   I couldn't picture who my sons would love.  It was never up to me to pick their wives or gf's, so I had no idea.   One seemed a surprise match to me, the other a perfect fit.   But that doesn't matter - what matters is what my sons think.

3.  Do you feel like your DIL has to work harder than your own children to win over your affection?

My sons didn't have to work at all as they were from my womb  and I've known them for many years, so I cannot compare.

I don't think my DIL"s had to "work"  -- they haven't had to prove anything.  But you know, my DIL's were strangers to me, as I was to them.  It takes time to get to know someone.  So, in that sense, it is taking time on both sides. 

I like to think with MIL and DIL, we start with acceptance and love.  It is not on a deep level or it would not be genuine.  From that open stage it can grow, stagnate or fade.

It depends on the people involved.  It can be different in the same family, depending on how the people are with each other.  In one family, there can be different relationships with different DIL's because of the way the people react andrespond to each other.

4.  Do you feel it is your DIL's duty to always help you with everything, and be like 'the maid' even if your own daughters are doing nothing?

I think this reflects an issue you are having with your MIL.  If she is from another culture, in another generation, this may be what she believes is the right way, because in some cultures, the DIL is expected to do a lot of work.   I'm glad I don't belong to those cultures, I would have failed as a DIL! 

There's no such thing to me as a DIL duty.   I don't have daughters, by the way.   But no, I don't -- I also don't think it's my "duty" to be an on call babysitter.  This is something I think that needs to be discussed or people find they are working with different "rules".

5. Do you think there will ever be a woman good enough for your son out there?

Good enough?  I don't even know how to answer that.  Being someone's wife isn't a matter of being "good enough".  There's compatability, and love, and common interests and chemistry.   I am thankful I don't have to measure those for anyone! 

6. Do you ever give your DIL any credit for what she has done or any compliments?

That's a very good question.  I think it is good to remind ourselves to be aware of the many positive points our DIL's have.  The number one for point is that she and my son are happy together -- and I think that's not my business to compliment them on -- I just like to be happy around them and with them.

I'm trying to remember if my two MIL's, who were wonderful, ever did that.  I don't think they did.  I think they just treated me like a good friend, and so I didn't feel a need to be complimented -- I just assumed since they liked me, they gave me any necessary credit.


7.  If she truley loves your son-you would surely be able to see it? and if this is the case, she is working very hard at loving him, making sure his tummy is full, he sleeps warm, all the things you used to do.

Well, I think I sort of answered that in #6.  But that's for him to decide, not me.  If she mistreated him, that would be my concern.  If he is happy and she is happy, heck, if they are content, then they are doing better than many people.

The main thing for me to do is have my own life and stay out of their way, I think. 

Hope this helps somehow.

[Prissy]

AnnieB,
You certainly have a firm grasp on things....I don't see you letting your heart get in the way of your actions.  I envy you.

Everything you say is so matter of fact; good for you.  As you can read, I come from a place of not being able to separate having my dreams, life, future and heart from being broken while substituting adult words and assured thoughts.

I hope to arrive to where you are someday....firm in my commitment to getting past hurts and on with my life without the simple request to be loved by a family.

When you never had a family and this was your only shot at one, I find it the hardest road of my life's journey to get past being thrown out at the request of a Daughter in law.

[Cat]

6. Do you ever give your DIL any credit for what she has done or any compliments?

That's a very good question.  I think it is good to remind ourselves to be aware of the many positive points our DIL's have.  The number one for point is that she and my son are happy together -- and I think that's not my business to compliment them on -- I just like to be happy around them and with them.

I'm trying to remember if my two MIL's, who were wonderful, ever did that.  I don't think they did.  I think they just treated me like a good friend, and so I didn't feel a need to be complimented -- I just assumed since they liked me, they gave me any necessary credit.

I thank you out of the depths of my heart. For you to take the time to read through my questions, and answer them sincerely. Thank you so much.
I have only one Question, Regarding the quoted text above, do you ever compliment your own children, on anything? I am sure you do, since it seems like you are a wonderful mother.
I think that is one of the reasons why I feel hurt and unappreciated by my MIL, when she sees both of me and my husband at the same time, she will give him a hug, take a step back, look at both of us and then say to her son, "well my boy, YOU look nice", and that's what parents do, they are open with their children, and they compliment them, even if you do not feel like 'it's your buisiness' you will surely tell your son if you are happy with him? proud of him? why then not your DIL. I compliment and tell my MIL constantly that she looks good, that I am happy with her son, that he is a great guy, and she never ever ever says anything back.

if she mistreated him, that would be my concern.
BUT if she's good to him, that is also none of your concern?

Could one of the biggest problems between MIL and DIL be that we assume to often and to easy.
My MIL just assumes she is doing everything right.
My MIL just assumes I know she loves me.
My MIL just assumes I know she is happy with her son's choice.
My MIL just assumes I do not need clothes when she makes some for her own daughters.

When a woman meets a man, she knows there is already a woman in his live, she is fearful and maybe she would rather reject and push this woman away before she gets rejected. Young and immature decisions. Later regretted in life.
MOTHERS IN LAW, I plead with you, do not give up, be strong, be the wiser one, be the older one, be the mature one, this woman your son married already knows how powerful you are, show her how big your heart is as well, keep on trying and trying and trying. We help people on the street, and our friends without even thinking twice about it, while there is a war in our own home. I promise you, your son misses you.

[Prissy]

God bless you, Cat and keep you.....I will take your words to my heart. Thank you.

[just2baccepted]

AnnieB you have to be a DIL's dream!  You're a great lady! 

[just2baccepted]

Prissy I'm going to be nosy if that's allright.  But do you have a husband and/or friends or other children?  I was curious if you feel as devastated as you do because you don't have much of anybody else in your life?  Or that we invest too much into one person or people because we may not have anybody else.  I'm sorry if I'm being too nosy. 

[Prissy]

Please don't feel like you're being nosey.....we're kind of like a family here and I'm grateful for all of you.

I have a wonderful Husband, another son and DIL (she is very good to me).  I have several grandchildren.....3 from one son and 4 from the one with the DIL who doesn't like us.

They are my family.  The distant DIL has caused us not to be as close to her children as we'd like....SO SAD for them and for us. 

I have so much to be grateful for....you just can't replace one of your children with another just because things are right with one.  It 'ain't' gonna happen. 

[luise.volta]

"MOTHERS IN LAW, I plead with you, do not give up, be strong, be the wiser one, be the older one, be the mature one, this woman your son married already knows how powerful you are, show her how big your heart is as well, keep on trying and trying and trying."

If only...

I have seen countless times on my counseling website: http://www.MomResponds.com situations where non-threatening MILS did just that, to no avail. The door was closed...war was declared...and the son was to all intents and purposes gone.

And I have seen the opposite...where a lovely, new DIL fared no better. Sometimes we are dealing with patterns that are pathological not logical.

[SunnyDays09]

I promise you, your son misses you.

If only. 

   Too much has happened.  It didn't matter to him.  I complimented and showed pride and hugged them both to no avail.

   It wasn't meant to be. 

[Prissy]

I'm so sorry about your Sister, Just2be...she's sick. Sometimes I think if we could remember that about people with addictions, it might make it easier to understand. I'll bet she doesn't mean to hurt you, she's just very sick. I wish there never had to be drugs!

I can attest to the qualities of a Shih Tzu!  There is no more precious dog. They have "people" eyes and love you dearly. Ours died after 15 years and even today, we miss her so much!!

[luise.volta]

Well, lookie there. I got another minus, Prissy.

[Prissy]

Who could be doing this dastardly thing to you?  I demand it stop!!  Show us your cadet uniform! 

[luise.volta]

LOL!!! Sure! That'll do it. I was a force to be reconned with in 1945!! ROFL!!

[luise.volta]

And did you notice that you made Sr. member before I did?! This just isn't my day!

[Prissy]

No, I didn't...(notice how I'm looking real ashamed).

But, I am gaining pluses (Oh, the joy!!)