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MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.

Started by Cat, August 26, 2009, 03:10:26 PM

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just2baccepted

Happydays you made great points.  I would like to think that I'm wrong about this.  That she doesn't want us to divorce or for hubby to be alone.  But I've read a little about the fear of abandonment.  I wonder if my MIL is suffering from this.  I forgot to mention this in my initial "story" but after we moved to my hometown I really think my MIL went into panic mode.  Besides throwing glass dishes and breaking them, for about 3 mos she wanted to move into these duplexes right down the street from her son and I.  She claimed that she needed to get away from her husband.  I thought that seemed odd because there was never a problem until we moved.  To this day I believe she was in fear of abandonment mode and felt abandoned by her son and I.  What's odd is her daughter lives right next door to her and her grandson.  I think she finally got her mind together and decided she better not move down the street from us.  I wouldn't be at all surprised if she pressure my FIL to sell their home and land and move down the street from us.  She's an odd duck for sure.

Cat

Quote from: HappyDays09 on August 27, 2009, 12:08:02 PM
Quote from: Cat on August 26, 2009, 03:10:26 PM
I am married now for almost 4 years. I have a stunning stunning husband. One dreams are made of. He supports me in every way.I am VERY happy.

I was brought up with impeccable manners, I have a GREAT amount of respect for my elders.
When I first met my husband's parents I did everything by the book-it was not even a option not liking them, I just though I would do my absolute best. I always smile, and speak well.
My MIL is just the EXTREME opposite of my mother.I have grown to understand that my MIL just is the way she is, and that I must be thankful towards her for 'giving' me this dream of a man. But I can see it hurts my husband when she is inconsiderate towards me, when she excludes me, when she's not sensitive about my feelings, it hurts my husband more than it hurts me. I am just saddened by the fact that my MIL does not realize that she hurts her own son's more than she hurts me. I wish I could just get her alone some place and shake her to realize what she is doing. This is really so sad.
Cat, might I suggest that you tell her that your husband is stunning stunning?  I have a feeling she might like this.  That he is supportive as well?  Do you feel she may have had a part in how he turned out?  In some small way, perhaps?  Or just by telling her this, she may just take it as a compliment.  With or without an explanation that because of her, her son is so great.  Whether it's true or not.
  Also, I get the vibe you are comparing her to YOUR mother.  Isn't this a bit unfair?  Maybe your mom is the most unbelievably easy to talk to, most understanding, even tempered, generous person in the world.  Why would you compare her to anyone else?  She's your MOM.  She should be the greatest to you unless she starved, and beat you and did illegal drugs or something. 
  I can't understand the reason his mother would intentionally be mean to the woman her son chose as the love of his life forever.  Why?  What reason would she even have?   Has she seen someone she believes to be you kissing another man at a bar or something??  No.  Prolly not.   
  Could you be looking for things that aren't there?  Could he have ever showed up or called her after you two had a big argument and he left her thinking you were the meanest person on earth?  Perhaps he even cried?
   Wouldn't your mom be more inclined to protect and  side with you, pretty much all of the time?  Even when you are clearly wrong?  That's what moms do.  They side with their kids.  For whatever reason.
   I wouldn't tell her at all.  I would not have him mention either.  Just keep on with the open dialogue and genuine compassion.  Unless she's a beast of a human I can't imagine her not welcoming you.
   Just accept her as the one that changed the diapers, worried 24/7 when he was running a 104 fever.  Helped him get that important book for homework and brought it to school when he forgot.  Etc.  Etc. 
  She's just a mom.  Not a super human. 
   I had a witch for a mil at one time.  Instead of embracing me when pregnant with her grandson, I was disgusting in her eyes.  (We weren't married at the time.)  Oh well.  I did try tho.  It wasn't meant to be.

Some you win.  Some you don't. But you have a new life with your husband.  Don't let her become an issue between you two.  Good luck!!  :)

Dearest HappyDays09,
Thank you so much for your insightful views. This helped alot.
Firstly i will answer some of your questions: It is true that Mothers tend to take their own children's side, I agree, but my husband will never call his Mother and discuss our problems, we deal with them personally, we have a great understanding and love for each other, and this is something we cherish dearly in our marriage.- and this is just not how he is :) i'm lucky :)
I agree that you say it is unfair of me to compare her with my mother. I think the problem here is that I tend to compare myself with how she handles her own daughters. She never refers to me as her daughter. She never goes out of her way, or treat me like she does them. I know I shouldn't compare her with my mother, but I do compare her with herself- it this makes any sense, with how she is a Mother to her daughters. It small things that I cherish. Like after we got engaged, she didn't even ask me to look at my ring, to this day I don't even think she knows how it looks like. Isn't that just weird!??

And she acted a bit weird around me when I first met her as well, I offered to wash the dishes for her, and she basically quite forcefully ripped out the plug and said " I wash MY dishes with COLD water" ??? That was quite bizarre, and I thought quite unappropriate.

I have honestly tried everything, even telling her what a great son she has, and that I am so thankful, but nothing, she just laughs and stares at me blankly. I still go on doing everything I can, but nothing. She has even now started making remarks about my weight as well! Telling me in front of everybody after dinner at the table, that if I wanted to go work out 'NOW' that would be great, the exercise bike is in the other room. CAN you believe that?

I understand that one must not compare, and think yourself into someone else's shoes, but if the other person does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING? what then?

I do not understand

Sammy

Quote from: Prissy on August 27, 2009, 07:07:30 AM
I simply don't understand this concept of "stealing someone's son".  I think I've said this before but my DIL said that to me.  She whispered it though, "you don't like that I stole your son"

As God is my witness (A Scarlett vow), I never thought of anyone stealing, taking or holding my son from me.  She was like butter in the beginning, just like a sugar plum...she did a 360 degree turnaround the day of the wedding.

I've never been so shocked in my life. Right now, the anger I have toward her is huge.  Very betraying to be done like that.  The creature found out enough about me to know that I deeply wanted a family so she created a way for that to be taken from me.

Little by little, every look I gave, every word I said was taken back to son and twisted to suit her murder of us. 

She couldn't wait, in the beginning to get over here. "Mom, Dad!" (that's what she called us), hugging us and telling us how grateful she was to have us in her life.

Then, son wanted to visit here occasionally after the wedding.  Such sulking and pouting you've never seen, even from a 2 year old.  Folded arms, angry looks.  I guess he didn't see it but soon, it was less and less that they visited.

She's been to our town (they moved away) and never so much as picked up the phone to say hello.  Or, to let us speak to our grandchildren.  These freaks who raised her must have been totally hands off. 

Just my rant for today.  Yes, DILs, we lost our son.  We have to live with the idea that he allowed this to happen.  He let her do this to us.  Heartbreaking!

Prissy,
It is very interesting to me that you say your DIL was at first very friendly and warm. And that it changed after the wedding. I must be honest, my attitude also changed towards my in laws after the wedding. It was as if everyones TRUE colors came out!
FIRSTLY, they made absolutely NO contribution to the wedding, my parents had to pay every last little flower, every every little thing, his father said something to my father like " you should really say if there isn't anything we can do" TALK IS CHEAP, my father would never ask someone for money- EVEN THEIR OWN FAMILY MEMBERS TOLD THEM< WHAT THEY WERE DOING WAS TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE, but they didn't care-they were saving money! But my FIL bought his daughter a brand new car, and pays in cash for her studies and living expenses, but when it comes to me and my husband, there is just NO spending.

So YES things definitely changed after the wedding, I think I saw their true colours. And please do yourself a favor, think about everything you do, remember, your DIL is OUTNUMBERED~!~~~~~~~~~~~~~ REMEMBER` OUTNUMBERED~ she is the one who has to win over THE FATHER IN LAW, THE SISTER IN LAW, THE MOTHER IN LAW, THE NEW GRANDMOTHER, THE NEW GRANDFATHER< EVEN THE FREAKING DOGS! SO how hard it might be, make it as easy as possible for her, other wise, you might lose a son. And another thing, keep things out in the open, talk about everything.
Because it has been a few years now, since they did not want to spend a dime on my and my husband's wedding- and things are going to explode, because I just keep adding up, and getting more and more irritated with them, If they took the time to talk to us, things might have been different, and now his daughter is getting married, and she is getting everything she wants, no matter how much everything costs! I AM NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANY LONGER< IF THEY WILL NOT BE THE ADULTS< WE WILL!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST...guess what we got as a wedding gift??? 2 towels!

Prissy

Dear Sammy,
Technically, the groom's parents pay for the rehearsal dinner and the brides bouquet, that's it.  But I digress, I can't go into what her parents did at the wedding that WE paid for because I don't want it on the internet for all the world to see.

Suffice it to say, they acted like A***. Something happened before the wedding and it had to do with the fact that her Mother gets spoken to by a Higher Authority and the Higher Authority told the Mother that they should get married on a certain day. Any other day would not be good.

To make a long story short, they didn't get married on that day. Thus the acting like A***.  Her parents were fuming mad. 

I was broken hearted for her but somehow she turned her anger toward them into anger toward us.  I could go into things that would make your toenails curl but I'm not.  We didn't do one thing to her.

Yes, she had a new system to fit into; I realize that.  We are not like her parents, thank you, LORD!

I can't go any further because I'll put too much out here but we tried every known tactic on earth with this woman and nothing worked.  I even allowed her to throw a tantrum in my house because I served her the wrong cold drink.

My son is now a Stepford Husband.  I raised him and the worst thing we ever did was to drill into him to be kind to his wife, put her first and be a gentleman. I wish I had told him that he didn't have to lose himself to a nut.

luise.volta

August 27, 2009, 06:52:58 PM #19 Last Edit: August 27, 2009, 08:16:52 PM by luise.volta
I am repeating myself here, but lots of time we are trying to understand things that simply don't make sense. They may to the other person but we can't crawl into that mind and follow that "logic." Sometimes it is way too far out in left field. 

When my eldest son was still alive, I remember stopping at their house by invitation with my step daughter to pick up something. He went to get it and my DIL came into the room. I  lightheartedly said something about introducing one "daughter' to the other. When I got home my DIL called and demanded that I never, never call her that again!  ???
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

luise.volta

And Prissy, I get how great it would have been if you had gotten a DIL who wanted to integrate instead of irritate. What a truly wonderful MIL she could have had! Bless you heart.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

just2baccepted

Luise I just can't imagine someone talking to you like that! You're such a sweety pie.  She just had her own issues.  I'm so sorry you were treated like that.  You deserve nothing but happiness and joy, I've just got a feeling.  ;)

Prissy

Early on in their marriage son said to me: "Wife knows how much my family means to me and she said I could be with you and Dad and brother."

Since that time, he has never spoken to me again about anything she said or didn't say.  It's "the couple rule".  Brainwashing takes about 16 years to complete.

I think I told you that every girl I knew before both sons were married wanted to be in this family.  Course, having movie star looking sons didn't hurt.  Their great looks and accompliments made them great catches so it wasn't all us.

Sammy

Quote from: Prissy on August 27, 2009, 07:11:54 PM
Early on in their marriage son said to me: "Wife knows how much my family means to me and she said I could be with you and Dad and brother."

Since that time, he has never spoken to me again about anything she said or didn't say.  It's "the couple rule".  Brainwashing takes about 16 years to complete.

I think I told you that every girl I knew before both sons were married wanted to be in this family.  Course, having movie star looking sons didn't hurt.  Their great looks and accompliments made them great catches so it wasn't all us.

Hi Prissy,
Sorry if I came across a bit to harsh. You must understand my frustration, as I do yours. You seem to be a well grounded woman, the way you speak of your sons etc. I think I just cannot understand why/how/WHY your DIL could be so difficult, and why she would keep your son away from you. I would never do that, unless our relationship is harmed, like when his mother makes remarks about my weight, that is just stupid, no need to say nasty things about the woman your man loves.
And thank you, it is true what she says about we not having the whole picture, the only reason I am being honest is because I know I am not naming anyone, and no one will ever know these comments were made by me, it is very vague, and the only reason I name all these facts is because I am suffering silently, and I think that is a kind of a abuse. I need help and answers.
I realize that you do not have all the facts, and that it is impossible to judge from my point of view, because that is what it is: my point of view. I am sure my MIL and FIL sees  everything quite differently, and that is why I need another opinion. Thanks again Prissy. Maybe we have more in common than we thought. Sorry again about my 'moment of madness'

Prissy

Please don't worry about it.  I understand that you are hurt and hurt you should be. My gosh, having someone say that to you is beneath contempt.

We can all help each other.  This is not one of those sites where the DILs gather and try to kill an MIL who enters.  We are all here to learn.

She felt threatened about our home. She is the big time boss and son might be influenced by something we said..you know how that goes.  Gotta keep the brainwashee away from all outside influences.   

luise.volta

J2B - She is the same DIL that wrote me the long hate letter nine days after my son died of sleep apnea and told me I was responsible for every difficulty ever had and every failure. (He was extremely successful on many fronts.) She described me as inherently evil. I got her letter just two days after the memorial service.

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Prissy

How could someone send a letter like that to a Mother who is grieving for a son who died?  "inherently evil".....this is so below the belt that I wish there was a prison sentence for writing it.


Cat

August 28, 2009, 05:55:35 AM #27 Last Edit: August 28, 2009, 06:05:36 AM by Cat
I would like to ask the MIL online these questions, in order to help myself with the healing process and understanding of my MIL:

Dear All MIL,

Do you feel like your DIL is actually just a DIL or will you see her as one of your own?

Did you as a MIL had a 'idealistic' dream about how your DIL should look like/act like?

Do you feel like your DIL has to work harder than your own children to win over your affection?

Do you feel it is your DIL's duty to always help you with everything, and be like 'the maid' even if your own daughters are doing nothing?

Maybe if some of you could answer these questions for me, I could see a different perspective?

Do you think there will ever be a woman good enough for your son out there?

Do you ever give your DIL any credit for what she has done or any compliments?
-if she truley loves your son-you would surely be able to see it?
and if this is the case, she is working very hard at loving him, making sure his tummy is full, he sleeps warm, all the things you used to do.

Prissy

1. I desperately wanted to

2. I now see her as a cruel woman

3. Yes, I dreamed she would be like a daughter and would love us and not feel the need to banish us from their lives

4. My DIL doesn't 'work hard' at being kind to us at all.

5. I never asked DIL to help me with anything. Oh, I'm sorry...one time I did ask her if she could show me how to make an invitation on the computer. She shook her head, no.

6. There were so many wonderful girls in his life who loved him and loved us so yes, there were many good enough for him.  We would have spoiled them rotten and loved them like our own.

7. I have tried giving her every compliment imaginable.

8. I'm sure she loves him in her own way....she only knows 'control', though.

9. His tummy is full.  The lady across the street could fill his tummy.

10. Could your Husband take you away from your parents?  If he tried, would you like it?

just2baccepted

What Sammy said:
I would never do that, unless our relationship is harmed, like when his mother makes remarks about my weight, that is just stupid, no need to say nasty things about the woman your man loves.

Well Sammy what do you honestly think? Do you think MIL is trying to cause harm to your marriage?  Its one thing for someone who just doesn't have good social skills and they say stupid things at times but they really have a decent heart.  Then there are those people who are covert-agressive in sheep's clothing and they do go behind your back and try to cause problems between you and hubby by criticising you.  I believe that the latter is what occurs to me.