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Son doesnt respond to email or texts

Started by Darlington082, September 26, 2014, 09:06:26 AM

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Darlington082

I hear from my 24 year old son when he has no-one else to turn to, but he doesn't even reply to my email otherwise and this can be for months at a time. I feel really used.

He will pour out all his problems to me and after he is done I wont hear from him. He makes me so worried and involved in things he is upset about, then I don't hear from him again for a long time. Not even the follow up questions for what he has poured out to me.  I have actually worried that he is dead and cannot reply. It really hurts. This has happened more then once, so I don't actually think he is dead, but I really don't understand what prevents sending a sentence of two back to my emails.

If I email him repeatedly I will be "parenting" him, which he has told me in no uncertain terms that he does not want.

How do I respect his boundaries of "not parenting" but keep from being driven a little crazy over this type of relationship?  I want to be a part of his life, but not sure how I fit in anymore with his life.

luise.volta

D - Welcome. If you haven't done so already, we ask all new members to go to our HomePage and Under Read Me First, to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to our Forum Agreement be sure WWU is s fit. We're a monitored Website.

You will receive differing responses here. My take is you feel used because that is what you are letting happen. Many of us here have learned that respect of boundaries needs to be two-sided. If all you are is a money tree...it's hard to face...but it's even harder to try to continue to deny it. We all have expectations but they are ours and no one has to meet them. I had to get where I stopped trying to make sense of the senseless and get that my son set the pace and if I didn't want to be abused and neglected it was for me to fix. He wasn't interested. The result is I remade my life and concluded my parenting. My choice and I have never been sorry that I rekindled my own self-respect. Sending hugs...

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Stilllearning

Darling you and your son are both exploring new territory.  You are trying to figure out how to react to your now adult son and still stay a part of his life.  He is trying his best to be an adult and handle his own life and most of the time he is succeeding.  I believe he looks on the times when he breaks down and talks to you as failures on his part to achieve adulthood and promises himself it will not happen again.  This is what leads to him not answering your texts and emails because they just remind him that he failed to handle things on his own.  This makes things build up to the point where he cannot handle it and he erupts again.  I do not think he is using you, he is just proving that he still needs you and trusts your advice. 

I know it hurts when he does not answer your communication.  My DS does the same to me but the only time he calls is when he wants me to babysit!  I keep thinking that I will say "no" but I find it near impossible to refuse.  Maybe one day but......

If I were in your situation I think I would try doing two things:
     1) Try telling him how proud you are of how well he is handling things when he comes over or calls to vent. 
     2) When he leaves do not try to find out how things went.  Trust that he will ask for advice and/or help if he needs it.  The "No news  is good news!" saying works well here. 

Good luck! 
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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