Author Topic: Am I A Crazy Mom?  (Read 2285 times)

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Offline Rhino63

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Am I A Crazy Mom?
« on: August 19, 2014, 10:11:06 PM »
I am glad to have found this site because I thought it was just me. I have 3 grown children and 5 grandchildren. I don't get to see my grand kids at all now and my 3 kids hate me so much they keep doing horrible cruel things to me and tell me I'm the one that's crazy. The texts email and Facebook comments are just so harsh and the language is disgusting.

I raised my kids and taught them everything, their Dad was not in the picture and never cared, until now and does nothing but bad mouth me to them, and of course they believe it and he's the greatest thing that ever walked this Earth. Meanwhile I get told I'm a horrible mother, I'm crazy, I'm a liar and even worse with curse words attached to all of their comments. I had been their when my first grandson was born in the room with my daughter while her husband was deployed to Iraq. My daughter had 2 boys and I was close to them and my daughter. I have always been there for my kids and anything they needed, I was there helping. My daughter and I got in an argument while I was visiting them over a stupid little thing which she carried to the extreme and told me she hated me and I was not her mom and all I did was feel sorry for myself and act like a child. I was told my grandsons were not allowed to see me any more. I was heartbroken and shocked at what had happened. She then went on to blame me for everything in her life and trashed me on Facebook. My other daughter who is in the military just had a baby and she and I shopped, I helped her pick the name out and was there the day after she was born sleeping on the chair in the hospital. We got home to her apartment and I asked her why there was no pictures in her place of our family and she blew up at me saying horrible things like my other daughter had done. I got told I was the worse mother in the world and I was a piece of crap and she wanted nothing to do with me. I spent the night in a hotel and flew home in tears. Since then I saw them once at Christmas and she is now in Afghanistan not speaking to me and never said goodbye before she left which broke my heart. I couldn't imagine doing that to my mom, and couldn't understand how she could be so cruel. I never see my granddaughter at all. I'm not allowed. Then there's my son, who has 2 girls and is also in the military and just left for a deployment this morning. I threw a small get together and had friends and family together for him and he was to stop by this morning before he left to say goodbye. He said he had a great time at the party and he announced his engagement, and I thought everything was fine. I got a nasty email from him saying I'm a terrible mother and that I am a crazy old lady and no wonder why no one wants their kids around me. I'm a psycho and I act like a child. Same things my girls had said. He has a job that takes him on constant dangerous deployments and this morning left with no goodbye either to a dangerous place, and knowing I'd be heartbroken since he knew my daughter did that and he said he would never do that to me, he did the same thing. I emailed him and told him I think it's horribly cruel and whatever I did to deserve this seemed ridiculous in comparison to this treatment. He said his new fiancé is mad because I said it was rude that everyone in her family got invited to my granddaughters play at school but my mom and I were not invited. All this nasty stuff because I said this? Do I deserve to be treated in this way? All 3 of my kids talk to each other and have rallied together to just be mean and nasty. They have tried to get my sister and 2 brothers on board to trash me and they won't do it. They all think it's terrible what they are doing and how they treat me. My mom is heartbroken to see what they are doing and they won't call her because my mom and I are close.

Does anyone have any advice? I feel like I'm constantly on a roller coaster with these kids nice not nice nice not nice......I'm just broken down and do not understand this behavior at all. I've always been close to them and there for them no matter what. To be treated this way over small things seems excessive to say the least but also calling me crazy and telling everyone I'm a psycho is beyond comprehension. My family members just don't understand why or how they can choose to act this way and it seems so unnecessary.

I was in the hospital for 5 days and not one of them even cared or called. When I texted my daughter ( the one here) she told me stop looking for sympathy and she didn't care. That everything always is about me. ??????? They have no respect for me or even care about me or support me in anything I do. I am currently back in college to get my degree and they laugh at me, saying I'm pathetic.

How do I get past this hurt and heartbreak? I can't see my grand kids and my kids leave without saying goodbye is like someone just picked me up and threw me against a concrete wall then did it again. How do you try to understand this? I was a good mom always there, we had a great home and they had lots of family and friends in their life, just not their dad. I never once said a bad thing about him to them and don't believe in teaching my kids to hate their own family no matter what they've done, and it's come backfiring on me. What do I do???????? Please help.

« Last Edit: August 20, 2014, 10:17:49 AM by luise.volta »

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: Am I A Crazy Mom?
« Reply #1 on: August 20, 2014, 03:03:38 AM »
Rhino, wow, do I ever understand the feeling!  Finally finding this wonderful website and realizing that you are not alone!  I sat at my computer and read and cried for more than an hour and just doing that improved my outlook.  Now you have taken the second step and poured your heart out to us on the screen.  You have come to the right place!  We all understand where you are and how hopelessly cornered you feel.  All of us are on the path to better lives and we are elated to know that you want to join us!

It is my opinion that the women who end up here are actually the best parents.  We care so much about our children that we allow them to tear our hearts out.  Yes, I said we allow them to tear our hearts out.  They cannot hurt us emotionally unless we give them the power to do so.  For me that thought was a real eye opener.  Everyone has their own epiphany around here and that was mine.  So I decided that I could not trust my DS with my feelings and I stopped.  I still love him and if he needs me I will help if possible, but I no longer count on him and honestly sometimes I would rather not be around him.  For some of us mothers the hardest thing to acknowledge is the fact that sometimes we just don't like being around our kids.  My life is happier without my DS/DIL involved.  I love seeing them for a little while occasionally but really I am done with raising children and I do not want to revisit that experience for long periods of time!   :) Once I reached that point then the fact that the DIL's FOO was invited to attend more functions really did not matter! 

The next step is for you to concentrate on making yourself happy!  Stop focusing on the things you cannot change that make you unhappy and start looking for the things in your life that make you happy!  Plan a trip with your Mom and don't even talk about your children!  Do something fun!  Go to a concert, walk in the park, attend an art class, join a workout group, try a book club,  the possibilities go on and on.  I recently took a whitewater rafting course and now whenever I get stuck thinking about all the things that bother me all I have to do is remind myself how it feels to not fall out of the boat!  LOL

Things will get better!  Hang in there! 
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline RecLucy

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Re: Am I A Crazy Mom?
« Reply #2 on: August 20, 2014, 05:13:55 AM »
Wow! my heart is hurting for you both!  I had my children young (first was born during Christmas vacation of my Senior Year in High School, second born 2 days after my 18th birthday).  It is now 43 years later and they have their own lives and I love them, but realize that I have to take care of me now because nobody else will.  I am willing to help when needed (to the extent I can without endangering my emotional or financial self) but need to keep a seed in my heart to bounce back.  I am now a widow with little chance of a forever partner and have found the support of girlfriends the best medicine.

No, you are not a Crazy Mom, just another one of the confused ladies that were raised for one world and lived another.

Offline Lillycache

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Re: Am I A Crazy Mom?
« Reply #3 on: August 20, 2014, 07:11:38 AM »
I think the hardest thing Rhino is letting go of expectations.   The way we have always "expected" our lives and families to be is usually much different that the reality of what they are.  It hurts I know.  We just "Expected" our children to love us the way we love them.  We "expected" them to treat us with respect.   We "Expected" to be a valued part of an extended family.  Well... guess what..   That's not how it is for most of us here.  Dealing with how we want things to be and the reality of how they are is very difficult.   BUT once you do accept things as they are... you begin to build a life for yourself.  You begin to value and love yourself.  You begin to take care of yourself and to enjoy being around people that love you and care for you.. AND enjoy being with you.   My question is... IF your kids make you sad... hurt your feelings... disrespect you... cuss you out..  WHY do you want to be around them anyway?  Just because they are your kids?  They certainly aren't enriching your life.  It takes time to get to this place Rhino.  All of us are at different stages of the journey.... come join us. 

Offline freespirit

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Re: Am I A Crazy Mom?
« Reply #4 on: August 20, 2014, 08:08:04 AM »
Sweety, the last thing you seem to be is crazy. Hats off to you , dear lady, for returning to college. You  are in control of your life, and you have  goals.

Sounds to me like your offspring are jealous. Maybe they  think you should give them the money instead of  taking courses. I  have often found that it comes down to money, and  that  our  adult children  feel entitled.

Whatever the reason…it never ever justifies such  behavior.

Although I know very well, how disapointing it can be --  like Lilly said, our senior years aren't like we imagined them to be. Let their horrid behavior spurn you on. Get that degree…and  show 'em…show the world… fly high and  pick friends that  are proud and happy for you.

I read  a quote today, that makes alot of sense to me, and maybe to you too.
"When I loved myself enough I began leaving whatever wasn't healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits – anything that kept me small. My judgment called it disloyal.  Now I see it as self-loving." 

We  came into this world alone, and will leave it ...alone. You got to love yourself, and  if you really do,...it  doesn't matter that much what others say or that  they even try to hurt you. All that matters is you!
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Am I A Crazy Mom?
« Reply #5 on: August 20, 2014, 10:36:21 AM »
Welcome, R. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to our Forum Agreement to be sure it's a fit. We're a monitored Website. I modified two of your comments because if we can figure out what kind of language you are describing, it is seen here as your having used the word. When I started this forum I chose to limit all foul words or anything representing them or there was just no place to draw the line.

My take is that we all did our best as moms and none of us can offer perfection. It's not humanly possible. In my case one son when he reached adulthood had nothing but contempt for me and blamed me for every problem he had...while my other son thinks I was and still am the greatest mom ever. That tells me that I'm just me and they are in charge of their perceptions. I'm neither a witch nor an angel.

That said...we can take charge of our own self-worth and self-respect, it seems to me. We can step out of our biological role and create a life for ourselves. We've completed our parenting and what our adult children do with their lives is up to them.

You have had many responses here. All coming from the heart and from experience. I agree that our worst enemy has been our expectations and we are in charge of those. No one is obligated to meet them and we are not obligated to accept and suffer abuse. Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline breckgirl5

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Re: Am I A Crazy Mom?
« Reply #6 on: August 26, 2014, 12:58:28 PM »
Just one thought for you.. and I am new here, so I could be way off base (I am also new to having an adult child.. just getting my feet wet with SS21)....

If you could find a counselor or therapist to mediate a one-on-one discussion with each of your adult children, would you be willing to invest in this? You could tell each of them that you are trying to understand their issues with you (make it about yourself) but you can't do this without calm, rational discussion - mediated by a professional. You could tell them you are just trying to "move on' and there is no obligation to maintain a relationship after the session... that you are just trying "fix whatever is wrong with me" and move on. (Again, if you make it about yourself.. then they can't get defensive about it.)

The hope here is that you open up some line of communication and truly get to the bottom of whatever is at issue.. maybe it's a lie they heard from their dad, and this would give you the chance to set the record straight. Maybe it heals the relationship.. and maybe it doesn't... but it's probably worth a try. (Also .. it takes the DILs and SILs OUT of the picture - at least for the 1 or 2 sessions).

I've done this a couple of times with my DH and SS... and - guess what - the counselor almost always validated MY feelings and point of view in those sessions.. so that DH/SS actually saw that I'm really not the bad guy after all and they were just misunderstanding me.

Offline shiny

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Re: Am I A Crazy Mom?
« Reply #7 on: August 26, 2014, 03:19:29 PM »
Rhino,
Sorry to hear about what you're going through. I know it seems surreal at times.
You've gotten some wise comments here and don't have much to add.
Some things that help me through mistreatment by AC:

1. Try to fill your mind with good thoughts. If a negative thought enters, push it out.
2. Try to stay busy so there won't be idle time to dwell on them.
3. Leave them alone -- however long it takes, but don't subject yourself to their wrong behavior.
4. Stand your ground regarding boundaries.
5. Do something that you enjoy! Yes, there is life after kids!

Congrats on pursuing your education, too!
Hang in there, it will get better. This too shall pass.

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: Am I A Crazy Mom?
« Reply #8 on: August 27, 2014, 04:00:43 AM »
Breckgirl, I would NEVER recommend going to a group session with a counselor!  I tried it and the counselor said everything was just me having 'separation issues'.  I am pretty sure that later she told my DIL about things she was doing wrong but I spent an hour getting told by a professional (my DIL's therapist) about what was wrong with me.  I have never been so hurt!!  But to be honest, it was the last straw, the final act that pushed me over to the "I can't fix this" outlook and led me here.  Anyway, my life has improved since then but that session was the single most hurtful thing I think I have ever experienced and I would not wish it on anyone.
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline luise.volta

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Re: Am I A Crazy Mom?
« Reply #9 on: August 27, 2014, 09:23:33 AM »
I agree with SL. My take is there are therapists and then there are therapists. I would go to my own or go to one neither of us had seen if going with another person. The stage has already been set otherwise...and your role cast.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline breckgirl5

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Re: Am I A Crazy Mom?
« Reply #10 on: August 27, 2014, 12:43:45 PM »
Sorry if my post was not clear. What I was suggesting - if you took the family therapist route - is:

1) no DIL's or SIL's allowed
2) a "neutral" therapist or "yours" if you have one - someone who is not going to be predisposed to siding with anyone
3) meet with each adult child 1:1... not in a group and again, DIL/SIL would not be invited

I'm sorry if others have had bad experiences with this, but a GOOD therapist would act as a mediator and not take sides. We have a family counselor we use once in a whle to solve disputes, and she never takes sides.. she just mediates the discussion and everyone is able to air their "issues" in a safe environment (calmly with no shouting).

The DILs and SIL's should have NO part in this... this would be about your relationship with your adult kids, not their partners and not your grandkids. Of course, I would hope that by mending relationships with your adult kids, that would hopefully help to mend the other relationships. 

I am merely what has worked well for me in the past. It might not be everyone's up of tea.

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: Am I A Crazy Mom?
« Reply #11 on: August 27, 2014, 01:00:27 PM »
The relationship I was working on was with my DIL  and only she, I and the therapist were in attendance.  It was her therapist so she sided totally with her.  I still have no idea how it turned into an issue of my separation problems, my relationship with my son was and is fine. 

It is kind of like a nose job.  Say I got one and I was totally happy with the outcome so I recommend one to a friend who goes and gets one that is awful.  I would feel so bad about recommending it!  So, like I said before I would never recommend group counseling!!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline breckgirl5

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Re: Am I A Crazy Mom?
« Reply #12 on: August 27, 2014, 01:31:45 PM »
The relationship I was working on was with my DIL  and only she, I and the therapist were in attendance.  It was her therapist so she sided totally with her.  I still have no idea how it turned into an issue of my separation problems, my relationship with my son was and is fine. 

It is kind of like a nose job.  Say I got one and I was totally happy with the outcome so I recommend one to a friend who goes and gets one that is awful.  I would feel so bad about recommending it!  So, like I said before I would never recommend group counseling!!!

SL, I am sorry you had a bad experience, but I assure you there are good, neutral therapists out there.. and I would hate to not recommend it just because some folks have bad experiences with unprofessional and biased therapists. Neutral and professional therapists can do wonders for relationships.. my neighbors are in marriage counseling right now and it's saving their marriage. Anyway that is all I will say.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Am I A Crazy Mom?
« Reply #13 on: August 27, 2014, 09:52:52 PM »
Note to Broken Hearted Granny: I moved your post to your own thread, so you can start to get acquainted.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline herbalescapes

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Re: Am I A Crazy Mom?
« Reply #14 on: September 01, 2014, 05:54:01 AM »
You're not crazy, just experiencing a pretty common situation that is all psychological and not a bit logical.  When a parent is absent in a child's life, it's common for two things to occur.  One, the child blames him or herself.  No matter what the present parent says or how much reassurance is given, the child thinks "If I had been a better son/daughter, dad (or mom as the case might be) would be here."  Also, the absent parent gets idealized and idolized. When the absent parent makes a reappearance, the child reacts on a very basic gut-level that has nothing to do with the reality of his or her growing up experience. 

Dad's back - the child (even if an adult now) will do whatever it takes to make sure dad doesn't leave again.  Kids will fawn over, take all sorts of abuse from, and agree with whatever Dad says.  They don't want dad to leave.  If dad badmouths mom, of course they side with him.  If they disagree he may leave.  Also, it gives them an out.  Maybe it wasn't their fault; maybe mom made dad leave.  All of this will be subconscious, so the kids will never agree that this is what is going on. 

Your challenge - besides dealing with the pain which I don't mean to minimize - is to realize their need for dad's presence and approval in no way, shape, or form is a reflection or repudiation of your own parenting. 

What do you do?  One thing, don't argue with them.  No amount of rational discussion can compete with the emotions involved.  You don't want to agree with their criticisms of you, but don't engage your kids in a debate on what really happened in the past.  How exactly you do this, I don't know.  Also, you need to be patient.  There's a chance your kids will see the light one day and realize what a screw up their dad is and was.  But it's going to take time.  Just like dealing with a drug addict or alcoholic, you can't make your kids face up to reality.  Not until they are willing to see their dad as he really is will they be able to move forward. 

In the mean time, you find your way to deal with the pain and disappointment.  If you read the various threads here, you'll find many ways people have found to fill the void.  It might be volunteer work or new/old hobbies or friends or a job or travelling or meditation.  Whatever works for you.  In the longterm you might find a better relationship with your AC and GC if you can love them without needing them to feel good about yourself.

Good luck.  Finding out you're not the only one dealing with such a situation can be a good first step.