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A trivial misunderstanding

Started by freespirit, August 13, 2014, 03:10:04 AM

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freespirit

Good grief,...Miss Understood, are there more of that  kind???

I'm afraid you're  right about my son.  Something  is wrong with him, but he  won't let anyone get close enough to help him or  find out what it is.  I wish it were  different,  but,  the main  thing is,..I have  learned not to let his behavior upset me as much as it used to. I'm more upset with my husband's behavior.

......Men......  :P.......that's all I can say  right now.

I'm  exhausted, going to call it a night here -- on the other side of the pond. Honestly... being pissed  off is more exhausting than  marathon racing,  ( not that I've ever done that ..just sayin').  I feel, though, that  I'm back in the saddle, I'm holding the reigns, thanks to you gals.  :-*

The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

FAFE

I hate that you are having to go thru all this stuff with your son, especially that your husband does not support you.  My husband got a little taste of being on the wrong side the other day.  Our son is one of those that we can never do anything good enough for them.  Son and his family were here last week and son and DIL do their own thing and we entertained our grandson.  I had something I had to do one of those days and suggested to my husband that he and GS get his school supply list and go purchase whatever he needed for school.  Well, $60 or so later, GS was showing his dad and mom what they had gotten.  The ONLY thing on the list that was not the EXACT item was a calculator.  My husband is a scientist of a sort and determined that the one in stock was fine.  Son had a fit and said he would probably have to go out and get the other one.  Not, thank you, if that doesn't work we'll get the other one.  Husband did not like that attitude at all!

I can definitely relate and I've pushed way back in what I do or say for whatever it is worth.  Raising kids are not for sissies and dealing with them as they get older are definitely not fun.

Stilllearning

Fafe, I can't help but wonder what your son would have said if your DH had said "We will just take the cost of the calculator off of the total you owe me and I will keep the calculator"?????
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

FAFE

We intended to buy all his school supplies, it was just disrespectful to not be appreciative that we did it at all.  DIL, was very thankful.

freespirit

Thanks Fafe. Ungrateful...that's what they are... (They should write a  song about that). I think I would have told my son, right in his face, how ungrateful he is. It's incredible...We weren't like that, were we? I was  grateful for every little thing my parents did for me. What did our parents do differently?  I wonder. 

Well the latest news update in;...When the stomach turns.... is -- I  told my husband, without crying (patting myself on  the back  here),  that I rather live alone, and deal with problems alone, then  be burdened by his silent  presence,  and even worse, him taking sides against me. Well, in reply, he sent our son an email, telling him he wants to meet up with him and have a man to man talk. He then swore that he would never react  like that again.
Only time will tell, but I saw in his eyes, that he is taking me seriously, probably for the first time ever. I pray it will remain so.
This morning got an email  from our son. He just doesn't get it.  All he did was rehash how he thought I meant it, without acknowledging that  he  totally misunderstood me. Oh well...I need  a  time out. Breathe deeply... that's really what it's all about, right? Breathing and letting go...
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

Stilllearning

Congrats on getting your DH's attention!  Now let him get your DS's. 

Turn your mind to happier things.  Enjoy your day!!  Hugs!!!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Sarah

Free - I'm glad you stuck up for yourself.  Would it be possible to have a relationship with your son without your husband?  Could you visit them alone?  Maybe offer some babysitting if they need it for a few hours?  Maybe being there alone without your husband would take a lot of pressure off of both you and the son.  Just a suggestion.  I think you are handling this really well.  ((hugs))

Lillycache

Quote from: Sarah on August 14, 2014, 05:46:28 AM
Free - I'm glad you stuck up for yourself.  Would it be possible to have a relationship with your son without your husband?  Could you visit them alone?  Maybe offer some babysitting if they need it for a few hours?  Maybe being there alone without your husband would take a lot of pressure off of both you and the son.  Just a suggestion.  I think you are handling this really well.  ((hugs))

My question is.. Who would want time alone with someone who behaves like her DS anyway?  I sure wouldn't.  Free.. Good for you for letting your husband know where you stand.  Obviously you did it in a way that caught his attention and made him think.   Let him handle DS..  IMO your son owes you an apology if for nothing else than being disrespectful.  I think if any of us talked to our parents like he did to you we wouldn't have had to storm off.. we would have been told to leave.. adult or not.  You deserve better. 

FAFE

I do hope you husband will stand his ground with your son!  Sounds like at least you've lit a fire under him.  No one should have to choose between their husband and children, but no one should have their wife's treated like that.  Hope this will be a win win for all.  Maybe you and hubby can plan a fantastic trip or vacation and let son bask in his own unhappiness.

Stilllearning

Quote from: FAFE on August 14, 2014, 07:07:40 AM
  Maybe you and hubby can plan a fantastic trip or vacation and let son bask in his own unhappiness.


Sounds like a plan to me!! ;)
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Sarah

Quote from: Lillycache on August 14, 2014, 06:31:34 AM
Quote from: Sarah on August 14, 2014, 05:46:28 AM
Free - I'm glad you stuck up for yourself.  Would it be possible to have a relationship with your son without your husband?  Could you visit them alone?  Maybe offer some babysitting if they need it for a few hours?  Maybe being there alone without your husband would take a lot of pressure off of both you and the son.  Just a suggestion.  I think you are handling this really well.  ((hugs))

My question is.. Who would want time alone with someone who behaves like her DS anyway?  I sure wouldn't.  Free.. Good for you for letting your husband know where you stand.  Obviously you did it in a way that caught his attention and made him think.   Let him handle DS..  IMO your son owes you an apology if for nothing else than being disrespectful.  I think if any of us talked to our parents like he did to you we wouldn't have had to storm off.. we would have been told to leave.. adult or not.  You deserve better.

Hi Lilli - I said that because to me, reading this post, it sounds like the husband and son have some issues and husband is throwing free under the bus to a certain extent.  Perhaps things with the son would go smoother without dad around.  Free could smooth things over and continue to have a relationship with ds.  I was thinking take the triggers out of the relationship between father and son so its smoother for free.  If there is a way to salvage a r/s between the mom and son, that's always the way to go.   :)

freespirit

Stilllearning, did you hear my "HA"!  ;D? You are so right....we need to get away and just concentrate on us. We are planning on that, I hope, pretty soon.

Hi Sarah, thanks for your suggestions. I hope I'm handling it as best as I can.  As far as time alone with my DS,  I think Lilly answered that for me. I'm really not keen on that. Frankly...I'm simply looking forward to a time out. I believe my  son owes me an apology too,... but  grass would  grow on the moon before that would  ever happen.

I'm slowly but surely learning to find my own pleasures, without missing  or  needing my sons to provide good times for or with me. Sure grandchildren are connected to seeing my sons, ..and although I love them dearly, they aren't the core in my life either. I'm so glad I got to this independent place. I love this free feeling.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

luise.volta

Reading through this thread I'm deeply touched. You are amazing women! Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Lillycache

QuoteI'm slowly but surely learning to find my own pleasures, without missing  or  needing my sons to provide good times for or with me. Sure grandchildren are connected to seeing my sons, ..and although I love them dearly, they aren't the core in my life either. I'm so glad I got to this independent place. I love this free feeling.

Good for you Free...  It takes a long time to get to that place, but once you do.. it IS freeing isn't it?   I think a common misconception some have is that a mother can be abused by her children and still come back begging for more.  This is just not true.   Eventually you begin to realize that the time, treasure and emotional outlay is totally disproportionate to the pleasure received.  In otherwords... it's just not worth it.     Of course we love our children.. of course we love our grandchildren, but more importantly, we want to feel we are a loved and valued part of an extended family.  If we don't get that feeling..... then what's the point of it?   When we begin to feel unloved and even disliked...and usually completely misunderstood.... my goodness.. who needs that?    A mothers love may be unbreakable, but a mothers "LIKE" is not.  You can love your grown kids... but you don't have to like them.. OR the way they treat you... and better yet... you don't have to put up with it.   

shiny

FreeS, my situation is not as dramatic as yours but somewhat similar.
In the past several years, my DS has become so quick to misunderstand many things that I say, and then flings cutting/sarcastic remarks towards me.
His impatience and lack of kindness/respect pierce my heart, b/c we've always had a close relationship, till he got married. He's not the same person that I used to know.
When I discuss his behavior with DH, he will say that I'm the one who is wrong for feeling/thinking/behaving the way I do. One good thing, though, is DH does NOT take DS side in front of him.

Lilly, your comment is spot on and therapeutic ... Thank you!
Yes, I love my son, but don't like the way he treats me at times.
Just this morning I was reminding myself that after they leave home and get on their own, they've been influenced by so many things: other people, circumstances, books, movies, music, etc., and as time passes, those particular things can produce a hardness in them.
Lately, I've been reminding myself that I deserve better treatment from all of my AC, and I'm slowly moving toward that place of loving him from a distance, that is, geographical, emotional and physical.
I realize that he is busy with a stressful job, a wife and small child, along with a recent health issue. And he doesn't have the time for us now. But all this does not give him a reason to be rude and inconsiderate...