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Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude

Started by Monroe, June 26, 2014, 11:37:20 AM

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Lillycache

Pooh...  I think you have just described 99.9% of the husbands/sons in the world.  They just don't do well with the social calendar.  So a wife has to decide if she is going to be the one to pick up the slack in that department.   I think it's great if she does,  and the Mom of the husband should certainly feel blessed.  On the flip side,  I suppose there is nothing wrong with NOT doing that, and letting the DH fend for himself as far as this family is concerned... but he won't most of the time, and his mom is going to be hurt and feel badly....  somehow I cannot help but believe this is the desired effect.   

Pooh

I agree.  I would find it very hard to believe that a DH would remember the DW's family stuff either.  I know mine doesn't.  It's not a his or her family thing, it's neither one!  He will go to both, he just doesn't remember either side.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Lillycache

This is what I mean.   When someone says.. "your family/your problem" to the husband.. and refuses to step in to make sure he remembers and does something... knowing full well that he won't remember... and knowing that his mom and foo will be hurt... one has to wonder if it's actually the buying the card and remembering occasions or social events that's the problem.. or is it knowing that MIL be hurt that's the intent and satisfaction..   

NewMama

It's not a desired effect. It's about a grown adult acting as a grown adult. If these men were single, who would get the blame then when they drop the ball? Why does a DH get a free pass to hurt his parents feelings by not remembering to do those things? Oh well, he's a man so it's ok. But jeez, how awful is his wife for not doing it for him. My brother used to be terrible about stuff like that. We held his feet to the fire over it, and so does SIL. He's much, much better about it now because he was held accountable for forgetting and he had to clean up the messes he made by doing so. Same thing if I screw up when it comes to my parents. My fault, my consequences. DH doesn't send his mom something for her birthday - that he put on the calendar himself? His consequences to deal with.

It's up to a married couple to figure out what works for them. Some wives are happy to be the social secretary, and some are not. I don't want my MIL's feelings hurt, and feel zero satisfaction when they are. It make my life worse when that happens. So just because a couple choose the yours/mine way of communicating, doesn't mean they're out to get their ILs.

jdtm

QuoteDH doesn't send his mom something for her birthday - that he put on the calendar himself? His consequences to deal with.

I agree - no present from son should be his consequences alone.  Of course, I am assuming that you purchased your MIL a gift and/or card sent from "just you".  I am also assuming that you receive gifts or cards on your birthday/Christmas/anniversary/etc. from your ILs.  I am also assuming that you attend meals/snacks prepared by your MIL or eat meals/snacks paid by your FIL in a restaurant.  Actually, we're really talking about kindness and respect and consideration and social manners here, aren't we?   Not - your family/my family or you give/I take.


NewMama

Quote from: jdtm on June 30, 2014, 11:48:44 AM
QuoteDH doesn't send his mom something for her birthday - that he put on the calendar himself? His consequences to deal with.

I agree - no present from son should be his consequences alone.  Of course, I am assuming that you purchased your MIL a gift and/or card sent from "just you".  I am also assuming that you receive gifts or cards on your birthday/Christmas/anniversary/etc. from your ILs.  I am also assuming that you attend meals/snacks prepared by your MIL or eat meals/snacks paid by your FIL in a restaurant.  Actually, we're really talking about kindness and respect and consideration and social manners here, aren't we?   Not - your family/my family or you give/I take.

To answer all of this: when DH remembers, he signs it from all of us. MIL doesn't acknowledge my birthday. I'm ok with that. I will say happy birthday to her if we see her near her birthday. Any present for my parents is picked out by me, and the card is signed by me on behalf of DH/kids. My parents also don't buy him birthday presents and he is happy as a clam with that. If they see him near his birthday, they will say happy birthday. That's it.

MIL gives DH and I one gift for the two of us at Christmas and a basket of stocking type stuff for the two of us. She gets one gift from the two of us and a stocking. DH picks all of it out.

I eat food my MIL prepares - she WILL NOT eat food she knows I have prepared, so DH makes any food for any time we see her. The one and only time we ate out them, DH and paid for our own meals. We're grown ups.

DH and I are happy with all of this. Since we decided to go this way, DH says he finds holidays and family things much less stressful. My point is, it works for us, and a blanket "don't do yours/mine" is telling other people how to run their marriage in a way they may find stressful and causes issues between them.

maleficent

Interesting conversation. I've been reading a little while and felt compelled to jump in. I'm a DIL with 3 kids, married 10 years. I used to fill in for my DH but it got to the point where I realized that I couldn't compensate. I tried, and it wasn't working and falling short, likely because I wasn't very good at it due to my upbringing. I am not sure if "gift giving" and "card giving" is very ME. My family doesn't do gifts and special occasions. We see one another when we see each other and enjoy the company of one another when we can, even if it's a few times a year. It was very complicated for me to be filling in for him in what is considered a woman's territory when it wasn't ever my territory to begin with. It also took me awhile, about six years, to realize DH is apparently okay with the status quo and I shouldn't be taking on roles just because it's expected by anyone but him, particularly if I'm not a good fit. Would I help if his parents were moving? Sure. Would I help with a healthcare appointment? Yep. Would I do anything they might ask me to do? Likely, short of robbing a bank. Is DH ever going to call my mother or ask me to call her on special occasions? No, so I, nor she should expect it of him. Would he be there to help them move? I think so, and that's all I expect of him. Would he let me move them in if they needed care? I don't think there is even a question that he would.

I think the mileage might vary on this one. I think one can still be aloof (as I am by nature), without wanting to hurt their MIL intentionally, and let their husband's relationship stand on its own for most things. I also think that same person can be there in a heartbeat in emergency situations or where someone needs assistance. There's a huge wide gap between the two examples. What someone does for a special occasion or on a regular basis might not be indicative of how they behave when critical medical issues are at hand or even when there is a big project going on where their assistance could be of benefit. I'm new at this, so I'm sorry if it's not in keeping with the forum. Love reading what you ladies have to say from time to time.

Pooh

Welcome maleficent.  When you get a moment, please read the posts under "Open Me First" for the forum rules and such.  Nothing wrong with your post, we ask all new members to do so.

You are keeping perfectly with the forum.  We all offer our "takes" on the situations presented. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

herbalescapes

It's certainly nice for a DIL to forge a bond with the ILs and to pick up any social slack of her husband, however, she should not be villified for not doing it.  Whether her motivation is because she has too much on her plate, it's not her personality, or she's hoping her MIL will be devastated, she should not be held to a higher standard than the DS.  This would go for SILs and DDs, too, but as it's been pointed out, most DM of DD hold their DD accountable, not the SIL in such situations.

A lot of problems occur in families because people assume they know the motivation behind an action. I think we are on shaky ground when we make moral judgments based on the motivating factors instead of the action itself. 

OptingOut

Quote from: Sarah on June 29, 2014, 03:28:36 AM
Quote from: herbalescapes on June 28, 2014, 02:11:06 PM

If my DH can't be bothered to take off from work to take his mom to the doctor or can't be bothered to remember her birthday with a card/call/gift or can't be bothered to ask his own parents to babysit  but leaves the arranging of a sitter entirely on my shoulders, should I be considered the DILFH?  I think the vast majority of MIL/DIL problems are really DM/DS and/or DH/DW problems, with the MIL/DIL being used as a scapegoat. 


Thank you for that.  I couldn't agree more.  If my husband leaves his mother to me to deal with while he sticks his nose in a book, then I get blamed for not doing it right, doing it well enough, not being nice enough, etc...then really, why does HE get a pass?  It is HIS family.  Only so much you can take.  But the OP's comments seem very patronizing to me.  jmo.

I agree with the patronizing tone.

I am a very loving DIL even though my MIL doesn't deserve it. For example, she called yesterday because she was distressed about the power outage in her area. (Not sure how the phone worked...) My MIL also likes to complain about my beloved SIL (My BIL's wife) to me. I quietly listened to my MIL criticize my SIL as a mother. For example, I said that my niece has such beautiful curly red hair. My MIL responded with complaints about my SIL not grooming her properly. My MIL said that my BIL was hovering over his daughter too much just because he put sunscreen on his child's porcelain skin. She even said that my niece needs a sibling, when she know darn well that my SIL suffers from secondary infertility. My MIL does nice things out of a sense of duty but she is a very mean and bitter woman. She is also a racist.

Some MILs feel that their bad behavior is justified because they feel "displaced" or "ignored". You and I both know this is pure nonsense.

Lillycache

SO.......  I guess the take away here ladies IS..... if you have sons.. you are probably going to get the shaft when it comes to contact... because no matter HOW unjust it is.. guys are just not like the ladies when it comes to social contact... even with their own families.   AND... in todays world, wives just do not want to take on that roll.. and if they do, they resent it.   I accept that..  It's probably aways going to be that way with men.. which is exactly what the little loving boys of today will grow up to be.   

Monroe

Quote from: OptingOut on July 07, 2014, 05:52:30 PM

I agree with the patronizing tone.


Opting, we all see things through our own personal lens.  You are viewing my comments (O.P.) through the lens of your experiences with your mother and MIL.  I am not in fact patronizing, and have not done the things your MIL has.

Lilly, good point.   

Pooh

For all that are commenting about a "patronizing tone", We do not even assume to know what a poster's "tone" is from what they write, unless it is blatantly obvious someone is being rude, mean and breaking the forum rules, and then the admins will deal with it.

You are welcome to write your "take" on a subject, but you are not welcome to comment on what you think of a poster. 




We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

sofia13

SO.......  I guess the take away here ladies IS..... if you have sons.. you are probably going to get the shaft when it comes to contact... because no matter HOW unjust it is.. guys are just not like the ladies when it comes to social contact... even with their own families.   AND... in todays world, wives just do not want to take on that roll.. and if they do, they resent it.   I accept that..  It's probably aways going to be that way with men.. which is exactly what the little loving boys of today will grow up to be.   
[/quote]


Lilly, with all due...

I really don't think this is an issue with the wives of "todays world"... MILs and DILs have been butting heads since the beginning of time, and probably will continue for generations to come. So, we shouldn't blame a DS's disconnect on wives of "todays world".

I'm a DIL, and I like the OPs ideals about family & Ils... I just don't think they're very realistic (sorry). From the get go, my MIL didn't treat me like I was part of "her family".  She treated me more like compitetion, an outsider, a threat if you will. We'll, 11 yrs. later DH and I are happily married with four kids and the shoe is on the other foot (some what). She dosen't have the same signifiance level in his life as she once did.

Don't get me wrong! DH loves his mom and FOO, but there have been many times were I've had to encourage him to take up more time with them. I KNOW FOR A FACT that his FOO will blame me if he dosen't! Frankly, I just think its easier for FOO to blame the DIL than the DS. Some just don't want to believe that HE just isn't as interested in spending time with his FOO as he was when he was signle.

On the same token, I do have sons. While, I'm not expecting to always hold the same significance level in their lives as I do now; I do hope they'll always love & make time for me. God forbid they don't, it would hurt! I'd probably be tempted to blame DIL too. However, I have enough experience to know that it really isn't the DILs responsibility. And blaming/resenting her would probably push me away even more.


SO even though the OPs ideals sound nice, I think MILs might get a little further by having a heart to heart with DSs on such matters, rather than holding DIL accountable.

Stilllearning

Sofia,  I do not blame my DIL.  I do have issues with her and I do believe that she thinks that I resent her.  She feels like she had to fight for my DS's hand,and to be honest I did object.  I objected not on the grounds of who he was marrying, but WHEN they tied the knot.  I wanted them to both get a college education before they married......

As for the "not accepting her into the family" I can totally see where things got off track.  When I met my DIL she was just the girl my DS was dating.  Somewhere along the line her importance (and mine) shifted and suddenly she was the one he listened to and I was not.   I thought I could talk to my DS without him relaying everything I said to her.  Nobody ever informed me of the change in status.  Before I was aware of the change I was being treated like the awful woman who stuck her nose into everything.

So now I am blamed for all of the statements I made (even when I thought they were no longer a couple,,,,,BIG MISTAKE!) when I thought that I was his main adviser but I was not.  I will probably never live this down......and my son and his wife will be the  losers along with me.   My problem is that they will not figure this out.......at least not while I am alive. 
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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