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Have you been there? Done that? And are now free at last?

Started by freespirit, June 16, 2014, 12:23:09 AM

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Lillycache

There is a point that you (general you) reach when continuing on is more painful than the pain of stopping.  I know for me, coming to a decision to change something is much much harder than carrying through that decision once made. In fact, I have always felt a feeling of huge relief when I get there.   But each person has to get there herself.  No one can push it, or advise it.  It has to be your decision.  I think that when you are at that crossroad, you will know it..  AND you will know how to proceed.    There is an old saying that people do not change unless their behavior is more uncomfortable than the alternative.  Perhaps that will be true for your sons also.  But it doesn't matter if YOU are doing what you know is right for YOU.  Let their reaction fall where it may.   

freespirit

QuoteI know for me, coming to a decision to change something is much much harder than carrying through that decision once made.
How very true..you show a lot of insight, Lilly.
Yes,.. I will
Quotelet their reaction fall where it may.

I'm glad and relieved that my husband is on my side. After all, with my decision, I am alienating him from his sons and grandchildren as well. Although I told him, he can do what he wants, -  but without me. He said no way, and he has had it as well.  I love the feeling that we are together on this.

Thank you for your wise words.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

Didi.lost

I too got tired of the constant verbal abuse.....it was really affecting my health too.  And my DD is so stubborn, I knew she was never going to change her behaviour of such disrespect for her mother that I had to end communication with her for my own health and future. 

When I told her I would no longer tolerate her behaviour, she said "whatever"  So I knew she could care less at that point and that I would probably never hear from her again.  And I haven't. She was 39 yrs old then. You see she is the type of person that will never come forward first.....she would rather die than do the right thing. It's everyone else's fault. So very stubborn.

So it's been very hard to not have her in our lives anymore but we have gotten used to it and pray someday she will come to her senses and return.  But if not, I hope she has a happy life and we will do the same .... although things are different, we all survived and learn to live a new way.  No more stress and drama for us.  It's been nice.  I'm getting back to spending time with old friends and doing what I want to do.  She is free to do whatever she wants to do.  Her life, her consequences.  Because I believe that a child that has so much disrespect for a parent is not great company to be in and is more painful continuing in than the pain of stopping. 
We miss her but this is her choice and we accept that.

freespirit

Didi, I was just thinking if a friend would treat us as our children do, how would we react?
I don't believe many of us would still hang on to that friendship.

We need, and I'm, talking to myself here,... we need to take a step back, and view our situations from way above. Suddenly it seems clearer to me, that thousands of other people live around me, where I'm sure many could be potential friends, - friends like  a family that we haven't had the privilege of  enjoying.

Athough I have friends, I have neglected at the most part, that part of my life, because my family dominated my free time.

Family?
Family are the people who want you to be a part of their lives. 
They are the people who accept who you are, with all your faults and habits.
They are the ones, who would give anything to see you happy, and who love you, no matter what happens.
They are the people who don't feel trodden on just because you respectfully express you views, which may differ from theirs.

I'm  going to make my friends, my family.

I have invested way too much time, and energy in my blood related family. My children who never truly appreciated my efforts. - just the opposite.  I don't need them to thank me, but I do need some acknowledgement of love and acceptance. I would never want friends  who make me  cry, make me  feel lonely, and cause my heart to ache. 

I congratulate all of you mothers who managed to take that step. I hope I have the strength to follow your example.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

Susan E.

Yup - been there, done that.  I have 2 AD in their 40's.  Youngest (YD) estranged herself from her sister for several years - though she still kept in touch with me.  Then out of the blue 3 years ago, she responded to my Christmas dinner email with "if you haven't figured it out by now.... ".  Totally unexpected and upset me.  My attempts to contact her were ignored, so I let her go - still love her and miss her, but I can't change the way someone else feels about me. Then my oldest daughter, our "relationship" has always been difficult (more on that sometime when I feel like digging it all up).  Last year - Mother's Day came and went w/o a phone call, no email, no card - nothing.  I took that as a sign of disrespect from her (and manipulation), and didn't feel like getting into another dramatic argument, so I kept to myself.  Low and behold, she shows up on my doorstep 3 months later - really not expecting to find me at home (I had finally quit my job and retired, and she knew nothing about it).  She acted like nothing had happened between us - like I imagined all of this?  Her reason for the visit - she lost her job, actually - got fired for unexcused absences.  Looking back now, I believe she was planning to ask me for money, because when in the course of the conversation I mentioned I wasn't working anymore her whole attitude changed.  Suddenly she needed to leave.  That night I received a scathing email from her basically accusing me of causing this "unhealthy" relationship, and told me if I ever decide to be in her life again, I know where she is.  A couple months later she decides she wants me in her life, and things were ok for awhile.  Several times over the next few months I would invite her over for dinner and 5 minutes before I expected her to knock on my door, she'd call and cancel.   So dinner would go in the freezer or in the trash.  This year - Mother's Day comes and goes - ditto.  Same thing as last year.  Not a word.  I'm tired of the drama, tired of the mind games, the lies, jumping through hoops, keeping my mouth shut, walking on eggshells.  I've had it.  I'm crossing the line from being angry to just not caring anymore.  I have no intention of contacting her.  I try to look at this whole thing as a part of my life that is behind me.  I live alone, thousands of miles away from the little bit of real family I have left.  Am I "free"?  I don't know - maybe not quite there yet.  I think I'm grieving the time, and energy, and all that I gave up trying to be the "good mother".  My "freedom" will come the day I wake up and not feel like the past 40-plus years were a total waste.

luise.volta

I know what you say is true and another way to look at it is that every day you focus on the past is a day you aren't focusing on the present and the blessings it holds. We can't think of two things at once (at least I can't), so we need to choose carefully. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

freespirit

Lucy, I think it really helps if you don't like your own child, or at least don't like how they behave or treat you.
If you focus on that, when you miss her...think - what am I missing?
Her attitude?
Her unloving ways?
Her selfishness?
And then think how much you are worth, and that you never ever deserve such treatment...especially from  your own child.
When I miss my son,  I miss a son that I don't have, ..who doesn't exist. I miss a caring loving son, who respects me and values me. And then I think, those women who never had children... do they miss a child they never had? Maybe that's sort of what we are going through.

Then the only thing to do is  ..chin up...shoulders  back.... At least you had the experience of being a mother, cuddling your baby, watching it grow up. It's more than a childless mother ever had...

Now it's time to mother yourself...love  yourself...and make the best out of the rest of your life.
Sorry if I sound like I'm preaching. I'm writing this for me, as well as for you. ? :)
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne