Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me

[lokin4answer]

Hello LM:  I am rather new to this site also, and when I discovered this site, I felt like someone or something guided me here.  I have found insight and comfort in the responses to my posts, and surprised to see I am not the only one going through this.  Take the time to explore all the posts, and trust me, you will build some inner strength to make decisions that are best for YOU.

I have three AC all in their 30's and for the past 14 months I have been shunned, called names, and reeled in and cast back out leaving me confused and hopeless.  But as I make amends with myself, I feel stronger and better able to handle life.  This past Wednesday, as I was minutes from work, my oldest DD called me out of desperation asking if I could watch her youngest son, as he woke up sick, because she doesn't have anymore time to use at her workplace.  I turned around, drove an extra half hour and spent the day with my DGS.  When my daughter got home from work, I decided to brooch the subject of her father's manipulation of garnering my AC attentions during our divorce.  I briefly stated that the divorce was between him and I, and he should not involve them in this process.  Her face turned to stone and she stated, very bluntly I might add, that she and her siblings are adults and they form their own opinions.  She also stated she can't do this alone, meaning raising her family, as her husband seems to be doing his own thing most of the time and she unfortunately needs to call on extra help, meaning me.    Well, talk about road blocks, I knew if I pursued this conversation, it was going to only get worse and accomplish nothing but more hard feelings.  So, I simply told her that I loved her, and am here for her and will do what I can, when I can for her.  I gave her a hug before I left and she thanked me.

I know she is hurting inside and needs time to sort through her feelings, but I also know her hurt is not all about me and my decisions to leave her father.  She has a lot of anger and emotions to work through, and I pray she finds the strength to discover herself sooner than later.  I even asked her is she would be willing to go to a counselor with me, and she responded by saying, "not now".  Later that day, I called her to tell her about something I saw in someone's flower garden and thought she would be able to implement into her own gardens.  She seemed very receptive to this call and I felt good after hanging up. 

Another big event that happened this week was my 2DD has another baby boy, that makes three boys, all under age of 6 years old.  Her husband told me it was okay to come for a visit at the hospital, which I did.  I spent 2.5 hours with her and the little bundle, when her father comes in, bearing flowers and a gift for her.  He was furious when he saw me their and stormed in telling my daughter he loved her and would be back later.  I told him to stay, that I was leaving, and put the baby down and flew out the door.  My DD had tears in her eyes, and I could feel the anguish flowing from her.  Her she is, not even 24 hours out from having a huge baby, physically hurting and very tired, hormones surging through her body and he adds more stress.  It's always been about "him".  So again, I have decided to "be there" for my AC, not talk or mention their father, and hopefully they will sort through all this hurt and anger, and want a relationship with me.  BUT, I will not be at their beckon call anymore....and this has been a big wake up call to them...I was their puppet for years.

I also sent my DS a letter stating I missed him, sharing some of my concerns about his well being and the farm and told him I loved him. 

You can only do so much.  You can't force anyone to do or feel something, just because you want them to.  Time heals, but time also gives you perspective.  Look for something to do for you.  Make small, attainable goals for yourself and set out to accomplish them.  All of a sudden, you will realize that your life is important, and you don't need your AC to give you meaning.  Once they see that you are living independently from them, they will come back, and if they don't, you may find it not as important as you do now.  Treat everyday as a special day and focus on you.  Trust me, I am just realizing all of this.  There are great self help books to read and gain knowledge..do this for YOU.

Good Luck...and rejoice for finding this site!!

[HopefulWish]

Dear LostMom

Our stories are very, very similar. Strikingly similar! I know where you are coming from. I could probably fill in a lot of blanks in your book...let me tell what I finally figured out. I expected that my kids would be level headed and fair - like me - their Mom. But they aren't. Kids learn and grow from their parents or guardians. Kids learn to be abusive from am abusive parent. My ex was very angry at his mother, and I am not sure if there was or was not good reason for it although I've never observed that there in fact was. But he projected all of that onto me. Young and naïve as I was, I fell into it. As I grow older, I see more and more the magnitude of this mistake. He was not necessarily physically violent, but he did not need to me. Emotional abuse is the most detrimental. Besides, why should be risk getting himself into trouble for hitting me when he can just make my life a miserable nightmare? My kids learned from him that I am the epicenter of all that is wrong in this world - his problems AND theirs. Just because they put that responsibility off on me, doesn't mean that I have to take it on. Even if they truly think that everything is my fault, I am only enabling them and holding them back from growing if I just sit right there and take it. I am not in charge of how people attempt to treat me, but I am in charge of how I will allow them to treat me. Even if they are my children.
And just like a lot of moms here, my adult children need me when they need money or assistance. I told them that the Bank of Mom is closed for business. They also learned this from their father that the only time I am worthy of any love or affection is when they need something. Forget that!!

[jdtm]

Kids learn to be abusive from am abusive parent.

True, but I suspect genetics plays a large (perhaps even larger) role than any one of us suspects.  I do not believe that abuse is inherited; however, I believe that the personality traits which produce abuse are inherited.  What's the old saying "the apple does not fall far from the tree?".  Sometimes, it just is not in our control ....

[HopefulWish]

It's funny that you mention genetics.. I am actually studying for a PhD in Research Genetics! I have done a lot of reading about genetics and mental health. I hesitate to point the finger at genetics as a reason for mental health issues. I do believe that through genetics, we are predispositioned to certain chemical reactions through many genes, for example, methylation. Much in a similar way that varying hormone levels in women causes similar reactions in us - some more and some less. My current stance on the issue though is that it is up to the individual to deal with these issues. I do agree that there are children who come from non-violent, healthy, supportive homes who have issues and/or hate their parents, or engage in criminal activity.

What I meant about kids learning to be abusive from a parent or guardian though, is that children who are a product of an abusive environment, learn to abuse. Children learn their coping mechanisms from their parents, through the subtle messages that they receive in their environmental experiences. But I did not mean to imply that children who came from non-abusive backgrounds, learn to hate their parents from the parents. I just mentioned it to her, because in her case, as well as mine, the father was abusive. In cases such as mine and hers, I can see how they were influenced by the father abusive behaviors. My response was based purely on her own experience and mine, and even though it is seemingly a generic statement, it was not intended to be.

[luise.volta]

My role models never argued or even raised their voices...parents and two sisters. I look back and that was just the norm...a constant. For me it was really hard not to think the world was coming to an end when I saw that kind of behavior away from home. I've never learned to confront or negotiate well. My take is that my home was my school for my first five years and pretty much set the stage for my beliefs.

[Pooh]

My role models never argued or even raised their voices...parents and two sisters. I look back and that was just the norm...a constant. For me it was really hard not to think the world was coming to an end when I saw that kind of behavior away from home. I've never learned to confront or negotiate well. My take is that my home was my school for my first five years and pretty much set the stage for my beliefs.

I came from a very good set of parents, that didn't yell, argue or fight.  But I also figured out later in life, that they didn't because they both had come from families that did and were trying to break the cycle.  So I do believe we become products and we learn behaviors from our raising, but that it is also totally possible to make a decision to change the cycle.  I had a great childhood and my parents instilled many great values in me, but the one area that I always thought they lacked in was being involved with what I was doing.  Yes, there were reasons...they were both working and taking care of elderly parents.  They always made sure I got to my practices, games and events...but rarely stayed.  I learned later on that it was because they were dropping me off and then going straight to my Grandparents houses to take care of them.  But as a child, I didn't understand that.  I only knew my parents were never there and it was hurtful at the time.  So I decided with my children, no matter how busy life was, I would be there!  We see how that worked out for me!

[HopefulWish]

As a young adult, I held on to many hurts from my childhood that I realize now were due to what my expectations were. And I see that in my children, my Aunt, and my brother when they talk about their childhood. Of course, now when they talk, I think to myself, wow.. what high expectations you had! (Of course, I now know that my expectations were pretty high and some were unreasonable) My oldest daughter is particularly this way. As a pre-teen she always looked at her friends and what they had, and they did, and etc and compared herself to them and any discrepancy was taken out on me. Of course, most of it was just her perception! I was a single mom of 5 kids.. but yet she balked when I would find a clearance rack and tell the girls to take a look. My youngest daughter and I would score some nice finds, while my older daughter would roll her eyes and complain "oh there is nothing good on there". Then we would get home and she is complaining because we got cool stuff and she didn't and why didn't we get her one too. Although we stood right there and kept trying to get her to look and try on stuff. She is still this way at 26 years old. I suppose she thinks everything is just at face value.

Where do we learn to have such high expectations at such early ages? I think it really sets us up for failure and disappointments. I know that I blame TV and movies for a lot of it. Things are just not as fancy and glamorous and easy as it seems.

[Susan E.]

I didn't realize until years later that my parents had not done me any favors by "protecting" (controlling) me when I was a teenager - my father was the disciplinarian and my mom was the criticizer.  I was very self-conscious, had low self-esteem, and felt like I was supposed to agree with everyone, or not care, and heaven forbid if I did something to make anyone angry.  I was afraid to stand up for what I truly wanted.  I was 22 years old the first time I got married.  I "went along" with whatever he wanted to do, or wherever he wanted to go.  Or if he wanted to go out without me, I didn't complain.  He was in the last year of his military service when we married, so we lived in my home state.  When his tour was over, we relocated across the country to his home state.  I went along with this without giving much thought what I was getting in to.  I just thought I was supposed to do whatever my husband told me to do.  Two months after we had moved, I was pregnant.  After my first daughter was born, I know now - looking back - that I was depressed.  And then my husband began to criticize me.  That evolved into calling me names or laughing at me, then treating me like I was stupid.  Two years later, my second daughter was born.  The verbal and emotional abuse continued and escalated, and then he began to get physically abusive against me - and I took it without a word.

He and I did not agree on parenting - how to handle the girls when they misbehaved.  I wanted to give them a time-out, or I would tell them "no".  He thought I should allow them to do whatever they wanted, and with no consequence.  So the girls learned to run to him every time I said "no", and of course, he would lecture me in front of the kids and then tell them to go ahead and do what they wanted.  He would then accuse me, in front of our young daughters, of not loving them.  "You don't love these girls", or telling me what a terrible mother I was.  I endured this for 6 or 7 years, wanting to leave, but afraid to.  He finally had an affair with a woman he knew from work, and we divorced.  It seemed like that only made things worse in regard to the kids.  They would spend every other weekend with him, and they would come home with such nasty attitudes and disrespect toward me that it would take me a good week to get them back on track.  I made mistakes, but I never abused my girls, and I loved them very much.  I jumped through hoops for them, and made sacrifices for them (another chapter in my story to be told).  I guess my point is, a few weeks ago I was thinking about reasons why my ADs, especially the oldest, treat me now with such contempt and disrespect, and why neither one wants any contact with me - and I suddenly realized, it's because they watched and heard their father being disrespectful and abusive to me!  They learned it from him.  I don't "jump" anymore when they want something.  Wow - they're in their 40s and still act like their 6 years old, or at least, they expect me to bow to their demands like when they were little.  Realizing this was a real "light-bulb" moment for me.

[lostmom]

Lucy P, sounds like your life was simiar to mine minus the military moves!! I was married to a very abusive man and scare to leave as well.  When I finally got the nerve to leave, the courts gave custody of my 2 girls to this man!! Why, because I was a bartender and had another son from a previous marriage and had an affair during our marriage and did not set a good example for my girls.... even though I walked into court for the hearing with 2 black eyes, a busted knee cap, broken jaw and 36 stiches in my head. I fought for 6 years to get my girls back. My oldest AD will not speak to me at all and says she hopes I die and when I do, she will spit on my grave. I have tried very hard with her in the past, but much like you a few years ago, a lightbulb went off in my head. I will always miss her and love her, but am at peace with my life now and after 28 years, I realize that I am not at the bad person.  It was not all my fault!  I lived with guilt for many many years and I now refuse to live with the guilt anymore.  I knew I had to find happiness and peace within myself.  It still does bother me from time to time about my AD. I do miss her, but through time it's gotten easier.  And being on this board and reading all these posts, I realize I am not alone.  I always thought I was the only mother in this world that had a child/children that hated them...

[HopefulWish]

Hugs lostmom

[luise.volta]

Sending hugs...

[shiny]

Lost mom and LucyP, wow ... my heart goes out to both of you.

No one deserves this kind of treatment, but now, you do deserve peace, joy and a life worth living!
And, hopefully, you can continue to focus on those things that are good for you!
(Even if that means sans AC)

For the first eighteen years of my life, I lived in an abusive home -- physical, verbal and emotional.
So, I know a little something about how that can destroy a person, but I'm an overcomer.

My father continued to abuse me verbally and emotionally until he died. I was thirty years old at the time.
It's probably wrong to say this, but at his funeral, I felt "relief" that the abuse was over.

At least I thought it was over ... it has taken me years to work through the emotional baggage and scars that he left on my heart and mind.

This forum does help with the healing process in many areas of our lives, as we can all share a little bit of our stories. It helps to get it out in a safe place ...

[Susan E.]

Lost Mom -  hugs to you.  I know what you mean about the baggage, and especially now when I've seen my oldest AD treat me in a manner that is very similar to the way that her father did.  Seems like I've spent the last 3 weeks or so trying to focus on "the moment" and then something will trigger a memory from that period of my life that I thought I had locked away forever.  Then all the old memories, the old anger, come boiling up.   The abuse, games and manipulation didn't end when I divorced my first husband.  There's much more to tell, and some day I will share it.  I just don't want to go there right now.  I gave up so much for the love of my kids, all the while hoping it reassured them of my love for them.  Apparently, it didn't really matter.  I wish I had known back then how all of it would turn out.  It's hard not to be bitter some days.  But I'm a stronger person now than I was 40 years ago.  I've learned the hard way to speak up - and I do.  I refuse to be the doormat that I used to be.  I think that's probably part of what has them (the ADs) so ticked off.  So, I'm getting off this computer now or I'll be here til midnight.  Hugs to all of you.  LP

********************
Lucy P, sounds like your life was simiar to mine minus the military moves!! I was married to a very abusive man and scare to leave as well.  When I finally got the nerve to leave, the courts gave custody of my 2 girls to this man!! Why, because I was a bartender and had another son from a previous marriage and had an affair during our marriage and did not set a good example for my girls.... even though I walked into court for the hearing with 2 black eyes, a busted knee cap, broken jaw and 36 stiches in my head. I fought for 6 years to get my girls back.

[kate123]

Hi Lost mom- sorry your children are being so disrespectful. I read Lilly's response and I think she hit the nail on the head. Until your children mature (if they ever do) they will never have empathy for the hardships you faced while they were growing up. I think that those who have not gone through many (or any) similar hardships themselves just cannot understand what women (sometimes men too) go through in life just trying to survive.
When I was twenty I suddenly saw my mother in a different light. Yes she was difficult to grow up with, and critical, (as OptOut said her mother was), but at twenty I saw the reasons why she was how she was and I had an understanding of her as a person. She made some mistakes, but I am here and I am a good person. Like Lilly said, you can't blame your parents for everything, or even anything when you are an adult.
Your AC's have not reached that maturity, and may not. Something has to happen to them to make that light go on, I don't know what it is. My DS did, but not my DD.
Just trying to say that it is them not you. You did the best you could with the circumstances and that is all that is possible. I hope one day your AC's come to that realization.

[jdtm]

Sometimes, it just is not in our control ....

HopefulWish - this statement refers to the inheriting of genetic (which is not within our control).  It does not refer to abuse which is within our control.  It's funny how sometimes we write something and mean to say something else and then when one rereads it - I guess this is how misunderstandings begin.