March 28, 2024, 07:42:57 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Is this common?

Started by OptingOut, June 06, 2014, 05:28:21 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

OptingOut

Quote from: Pooh on June 09, 2014, 07:31:47 AM
The problem with "titles" is that they are interchangeable.  It is a problem if your MIL is self righteous and jealous.  It is also a problem if a DIL is self righteous and jealous.  Bottom line is that it's not about a title, it's about a person.  And that person could be an MIL, DIL, Mother, Father, Sister, etc.  It's about how someone treats us and how we learn to react to it, or decide not to deal with it.

It's a two way street.  If an MIL feels threatened and becomes jealous because the allegiances have switched, then you are going to have problems.  If a DIL feels threatened and becomes jealous of the Mom/Son relationship, you are going to have problems.  In a perfect world, both women would appreciate what the other contributes and be happy that they both love the same man.  When one can't appreciate the other, you are going to have problems. 

Sounds like you have and are doing everything you can to keep the relationship alive with MIL and for that I commend you.  Especially with the cutting remarks.  I couldn't do it.  To me that's crossing the line and I honestly would have already told my DH that he was more than welcome to visit, but I wasn't going.

My husband has a distant relationship with his mother because she wasn't kind to him when he was growing up. I encourage him to call his mother and visit. I would love to see them get along better. I am confident that my husband cherishes me, so there is no need to feel threatened. It is my MIL who is allowing her jealousy to influence her behavior in a negative way. I don't know why some people believe that a MILs jealousy is an excuse to be terrible to her DIL.  ???

Thank you so much for the compliments. I do try my best. My MIL likes to give me gifts...I don't know if she does it to be kind or just to have something to moan about during her "poor me" rants. When she threw a party for my husband and I on our first anniversary, my poor hubby had to hear about all that she does for her ungrateful sons. We never asked her to throw a party; she mentioned it to me more than once and so I told my MIL to plan it since it seemed to make her happy. Whenever my MIL gives me presents, I practically kiss her feet since I know that being recognized is important to her.

OptingOut

Quote from: Stilllearning on June 09, 2014, 05:28:33 AM
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/self+righteous?s=t

It is difficult to call someone self righteous without being so yourself.....

When you spend 18 years helping someone learn how to be independent and you do it well enough that they become so independent that they show no interest in your life it is difficult to look on the result as a victory even though it is.  I know my DS just wants to prove that he can make it without my help and part of me is very proud but the other part wants him to value my opinion enough to ask for it, even if he does not follow my advice.  Some of us feel like we are no longer wanted and that often results in poor behavior. Just look at the couples who go through vicious divorces and how little their  actions reflect the person that they used to be.  Often the marriages lasted far less than 18 years and the spouses have far less invested in their significant other.  In both cases the spiteful acts are a result of hurt feelings.

I happen to think that if you try to ignore your hurt feelings that they will pour out when you least expect them to and in an uncontrolled manner.  IMHO that avalanche of emotion does more harm than the occasional confrontation does.  It is unfair of you to not let your MIL know that she is hurting your feelings and yet expect for her to change.  I am not saying for you to argue with her but when she says something mean call her on it.  If she argues walk away.  Tell her not to bring up race.  She may be telling her friends about how wonderfully tolerant her DIL is.......

I also wanted to add that if your son doesn't seem to value your opinion, there could be a reason for his reluctance to share things with you. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your son but sometimes adult children need their space to make decisions.

I know that my mother complains that I don't ask for her advice; she says that I don't want her in my life. However, she likes to gossip about me and she is very critical, so I don't feel emotionally safe with her.

Maybe you can express your hurt feelings to your son and see what he says. Just be aware that using your hurt feelings as an excuse to be disrespectful will only widen the gap.

Pooh

You will find on this site, that no one here finds it difficult to believe that an MIL can be cruel and hard to get along with.  For many of us, we have experienced both sides.  I had the horrible MIL the first time and a great one the second time.  I have a good DIL and a cruel DIL.  Many of us here have been/are both.  I am an MIL and a DIL.

Just don't believe all MILs are that way, no more than I believe all DILs are that way. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Stilllearning

Nothing is flat enough to have only one side.   I hope things work out for you all!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

confusedbyinlaws

Quote from: OptingOut on June 06, 2014, 05:28:21 PM
I have a MIL who is very critical and rude. She is very thoughtful and kind at times but mostly mean. She also does not like the fact that her son married a black woman. I won't go into all of the insults but she has made hurtful comments about my weight, my race and my clothing choices. Apparently I dress too "indecently" because I wear dresses above the knee and I spend too much money on clothes. I am also too fat to eat baked goods. It is also "disgusting" for my husband and I to kiss or cuddle in public.

In spite of her nasty behavior, I am still very polite and friendly to this woman. Even though I do not like her very much, she is my husband's mother and I believe that I need to bite my tongue for that reason. Though I am not close to my mother, my mom gave me some good advice when I got married: "When your MIL isn't kind to you, keep on being good to her. Do not talk back to your MIL or get into fights with her. She is old enough to be your mom and you need to show her respect at all times." Believe me, if she wasn't my MIL I would tell her where to shove her snide remarks.  ;D

My MIL becomes particularly upset whenever her sons do anything nice for their wives. She will complain that her DILs are too spoiled (We both work full time) and she feels sorry for her sons. When my MIL makes terrible comments to her DILs faces, her sons rightfully stand up for their wives. When this happens, my MIL likes to play the victim.  My husband's aunt told me that my MIL just doesn't like the fact that women have taken her sons away.

Is it common for a mother to feel slighted and jealous when sons marry? I do not have children so I don't know how it feels. I would think that it is normal for adult children to marry and shift allegiances to their spouses. What do you think?

I think it is common for MILs to feel that way, but that doesn't give her the right to insult you any way she wants.  Once when I was complaining about my MIL someone said to me "you teach people how to treat you"    I realized that by saying nothing whenever she commented about my weight or insulted me in other ways, I was telling her that it was ok for her to behave this way.  I am not suggesting you get into a screaming match or yell at her or treat her in a disrespectful way, but I think it's fair to let people know when they have crossed a line and that you won't allow it and your husband should back you up.   
I understand that when people grow up and leave home and marry, it's an adjustment for a mother.  I am also a MIL.  I feel fortunate that I was able to let go of my need to nurture my grown children before they got married.    I believe that adult children should shift their allegiance to their spouse.  It doesn't mean parents should be shut out necessarily but they need adjust to the fact that they are not #1 in their child's life anymore and learn to respect boundaries. 

confusedbyinlaws

Quote from: jdtm on June 07, 2014, 05:24:39 AM
Quote"When your MIL isn't kind to you, keep on being good to her. Do not talk back to your MIL or get into fights with her. She is old enough to be your mom and you need to show her respect at all times."

Your mother is a very wise woman. 

There is a mode of communication called "the medium chill".  Basically, one appears to be interacting (and you are), but one does not give personal information, opinions or display emotional feelings.  One does not react strongly to good information/news or bad information/news.  It is not "indifference" because the "medium chill" appears as if you are involved.  You're not.  If another person were in the room, he/she would feel that everyone is getting along just fine. 

Honestly, this is what I would try.  I would not try to win her over (you are not going to win) and I would not try to justify your opinions (no matter how right you are) or even involve your husband (this puts him in a no-win situation).  If your SIL fights with your MIL, well - that's not your problem to solve (or comfort her).  And if she comments on weight or race or other hurtful issues - that says far more about her than you.  It's hard to take such rude comments - frankly, I think if it were me, I would just leave the room. 


I wish I would have realized that my MIL would never truly love me the way I wanted her to and should have taken this approach.  I thought there was something wrong with me and took her mean comments to heart and continued to be kind until I had let so much anger build inside of me that I could hardly stand to be in the same room as her.  A detached approach would have been much better.

OptingOut

Quote from: Pooh on June 09, 2014, 11:18:16 AM
You will find on this site, that no one here finds it difficult to believe that an MIL can be cruel and hard to get along with.  For many of us, we have experienced both sides.  I had the horrible MIL the first time and a great one the second time.  I have a good DIL and a cruel DIL.  Many of us here have been/are both.  I am an MIL and a DIL.

Just don't believe all MILs are that way, no more than I believe all DILs are that way.

It appears that there is a lot of sympathy for MILs and much less for DILs who are suffering because of their husband's mothers.

OptingOut

Quote from: Stilllearning on June 09, 2014, 11:24:27 AM
Nothing is flat enough to have only one side.   I hope things work out for you all!

I hope things work out for you and your son too.

I have been a kind and loving DIL even though my MIL doesn't deserve it. I have nothing to prove.  ;)

OptingOut

Quote from: confusedbyinlaws on June 09, 2014, 12:47:48 PM
Quote from: OptingOut on June 06, 2014, 05:28:21 PM
I have a MIL who is very critical and rude. She is very thoughtful and kind at times but mostly mean. She also does not like the fact that her son married a black woman. I won't go into all of the insults but she has made hurtful comments about my weight, my race and my clothing choices. Apparently I dress too "indecently" because I wear dresses above the knee and I spend too much money on clothes. I am also too fat to eat baked goods. It is also "disgusting" for my husband and I to kiss or cuddle in public.

In spite of her nasty behavior, I am still very polite and friendly to this woman. Even though I do not like her very much, she is my husband's mother and I believe that I need to bite my tongue for that reason. Though I am not close to my mother, my mom gave me some good advice when I got married: "When your MIL isn't kind to you, keep on being good to her. Do not talk back to your MIL or get into fights with her. She is old enough to be your mom and you need to show her respect at all times." Believe me, if she wasn't my MIL I would tell her where to shove her snide remarks.  ;D

My MIL becomes particularly upset whenever her sons do anything nice for their wives. She will complain that her DILs are too spoiled (We both work full time) and she feels sorry for her sons. When my MIL makes terrible comments to her DILs faces, her sons rightfully stand up for their wives. When this happens, my MIL likes to play the victim.  My husband's aunt told me that my MIL just doesn't like the fact that women have taken her sons away.

Is it common for a mother to feel slighted and jealous when sons marry? I do not have children so I don't know how it feels. I would think that it is normal for adult children to marry and shift allegiances to their spouses. What do you think?

I think it is common for MILs to feel that way, but that doesn't give her the right to insult you any way she wants.  Once when I was complaining about my MIL someone said to me "you teach people how to treat you"    I realized that by saying nothing whenever she commented about my weight or insulted me in other ways, I was telling her that it was ok for her to behave this way.  I am not suggesting you get into a screaming match or yell at her or treat her in a disrespectful way, but I think it's fair to let people know when they have crossed a line and that you won't allow it and your husband should back you up.   
I understand that when people grow up and leave home and marry, it's an adjustment for a mother.  I am also a MIL.  I feel fortunate that I was able to let go of my need to nurture my grown children before they got married.    I believe that adult children should shift their allegiance to their spouse.  It doesn't mean parents should be shut out necessarily but they need adjust to the fact that they are not #1 in their child's life anymore and learn to respect boundaries.

I understand what you are saying as it make complete sense. I agree with you under normal circumstances. However, my MIL isn't really a normal person.

I believe that blood talks to blood; it is much easier for a jealous MIL to hear a critique of her behavior from her adult child than her DIL. I also do not want to be stereotyped and that part is almost impossible to comprehend unless you live with the implications of being a racial minority yourself. My husband talks to his mother when she is nasty to me; she throws tantrums and acts like she is so hard done by. ::) My SIL has confronted my MIL more than once about her behavior since my MIL is nasty to her too. All it results in is more screaming. If my MIL was more rational and not racist, I would have calmly confronted her already.

I believe that toxic parents should be held at an arm's length, so that they don't poison their adult childrens' marriages. My parents live much closer to us and we see them once a month. I rarely call my mother unless she calls me and when we speak, I do not share anything private with her. I also refuse to have my parents in my home as I don't want my mother to make a scene and start insulting us. These boundaries sadden my parents but I need to protect my little family of two. My mother's behavior already cast a pall over our engagement and wedding. One of the big reasons we eloped is to escape her negative energy.

My in-laws live more than 12 hours drive away from us. We have made the trip twice, only to be subjected to nasty remarks and screaming matches with my BIL and his wife, along with more loud fights with his mother. My husband has decided that we will not be visiting again for a long time. I have also told my husband that when we do visit again, we will be staying in a hotel as I refuse to stay in my MILs home again as long as she is alive. We realize that it is pointless to try to reason with those who are very immature, impulsive and explosively angry.

I feel sorry for parents whose adult children have cut them off, however some (NOT ALL!) parents only have themselves to blame. If parents are disrespectful and intrusive, they shouldn't expect to have a close relationship with their adult children.

shiny

ES, thanks for your explanation of chilling and detaching!
Yes, it helped tremendously! Now I have to decide whether to practice "medium chill" on DIL, who doesn't give a whit about me, or "compassionate detachment" because the relationship is here to stay... hmmmm.
May open a new thread since I don't want to hijack this one.

Opting: I have been a DIL and now a MIL. My heart goes out to you for such wrong treatment. Boundaries need to be in place for all relationships, not just MIL/DIL, and sometimes I find myself in situations with family members where I have to draw the line and let them know to not go any further.
If I don't respect myself, neither will they.

I've been on this site for awhile, and it's not biased towards MIL, but sympathy is given for whoever is mistreated unfairly -- IMO.
FWIW, would love to have a DIL like you!

OptingOut

Quote from: shiny on June 09, 2014, 03:46:52 PM
ES, thanks for your explanation of chilling and detaching!
Yes, it helped tremendously! Now I have to decide whether to practice "medium chill" on DIL, who doesn't give a whit about me, or "compassionate detachment" because the relationship is here to stay... hmmmm.
May open a new thread since I don't want to hijack this one.

Opting: I have been a DIL and now a MIL. My heart goes out to you for such wrong treatment. Boundaries need to be in place for all relationships, not just MIL/DIL, and sometimes I find myself in situations with family members where I have to draw the line and let them know to not go any further.
If I don't respect myself, neither will they.

I've been on this site for awhile, and it's not biased towards MIL, but sympathy is given for whoever is mistreated unfairly -- IMO.
FWIW, would love to have a DIL like you!

Yes, boundaries are important for all relationships.

Thanks so much for the compliment. I have always been a caring and tender kind of person. I am not a saint and my patience is finally wearing thin. I will acknowledge my MILs nice gestures and let my husband handle her rude moments. We will also refrain from visiting even though we are asked to all the time; just don't need to drive all that way to witness needless drama.


confusedbyinlaws

Quote from: OptingOut on June 09, 2014, 03:34:20 PM
Quote from: confusedbyinlaws on June 09, 2014, 12:47:48 PM
Quote from: OptingOut on June 06, 2014, 05:28:21 PM
I have a MIL who is very critical and rude. She is very thoughtful and kind at times but mostly mean. She also does not like the fact that her son married a black woman. I won't go into all of the insults but she has made hurtful comments about my weight, my race and my clothing choices. Apparently I dress too "indecently" because I wear dresses above the knee and I spend too much money on clothes. I am also too fat to eat baked goods. It is also "disgusting" for my husband and I to kiss or cuddle in public.

In spite of her nasty behavior, I am still very polite and friendly to this woman. Even though I do not like her very much, she is my husband's mother and I believe that I need to bite my tongue for that reason. Though I am not close to my mother, my mom gave me some good advice when I got married: "When your MIL isn't kind to you, keep on being good to her. Do not talk back to your MIL or get into fights with her. She is old enough to be your mom and you need to show her respect at all times." Believe me, if she wasn't my MIL I would tell her where to shove her snide remarks.  ;D

My MIL becomes particularly upset whenever her sons do anything nice for their wives. She will complain that her DILs are too spoiled (We both work full time) and she feels sorry for her sons. When my MIL makes terrible comments to her DILs faces, her sons rightfully stand up for their wives. When this happens, my MIL likes to play the victim.  My husband's aunt told me that my MIL just doesn't like the fact that women have taken her sons away.

Is it common for a mother to feel slighted and jealous when sons marry? I do not have children so I don't know how it feels. I would think that it is normal for adult children to marry and shift allegiances to their spouses. What do you think?

I think it is common for MILs to feel that way, but that doesn't give her the right to insult you any way she wants.  Once when I was complaining about my MIL someone said to me "you teach people how to treat you"    I realized that by saying nothing whenever she commented about my weight or insulted me in other ways, I was telling her that it was ok for her to behave this way.  I am not suggesting you get into a screaming match or yell at her or treat her in a disrespectful way, but I think it's fair to let people know when they have crossed a line and that you won't allow it and your husband should back you up.   
I understand that when people grow up and leave home and marry, it's an adjustment for a mother.  I am also a MIL.  I feel fortunate that I was able to let go of my need to nurture my grown children before they got married.    I believe that adult children should shift their allegiance to their spouse.  It doesn't mean parents should be shut out necessarily but they need adjust to the fact that they are not #1 in their child's life anymore and learn to respect boundaries.

I understand what you are saying as it make complete sense. I agree with you under normal circumstances. However, my MIL isn't really a normal person.

I believe that blood talks to blood; it is much easier for a jealous MIL to hear a critique of her behavior from her adult child than her DIL. I also do not want to be stereotyped and that part is almost impossible to comprehend unless you live with the implications of being a racial minority yourself. My husband talks to his mother when she is nasty to me; she throws tantrums and acts like she is so hard done by. ::) My SIL has confronted my MIL more than once about her behavior since my MIL is nasty to her too. All it results in is more screaming. If my MIL was more rational and not racist, I would have calmly confronted her already.

I believe that toxic parents should be held at an arm's length, so that they don't poison their adult childrens' marriages. My parents live much closer to us and we see them once a month. I rarely call my mother unless she calls me and when we speak, I do not share anything private with her. I also refuse to have my parents in my home as I don't want my mother to make a scene and start insulting us. These boundaries sadden my parents but I need to protect my little family of two. My mother's behavior already cast a pall over our engagement and wedding. One of the big reasons we eloped is to escape her negative energy.

My in-laws live more than 12 hours drive away from us. We have made the trip twice, only to be subjected to nasty remarks and screaming matches with my BIL and his wife, along with more loud fights with his mother. My husband has decided that we will not be visiting again for a long time. I have also told my husband that when we do visit again, we will be staying in a hotel as I refuse to stay in my MILs home again as long as she is alive. We realize that it is pointless to try to reason with those who are very immature, impulsive and explosively angry.

I feel sorry for parents whose adult children have cut them off, however some (NOT ALL!) parents only have themselves to blame. If parents are disrespectful and intrusive, they shouldn't expect to have a close relationship with their adult children.

I agree with you that it's probably best for your husband to talk to his mother when she is nasty to you and good for him if he does this.  My husband didn't take my complaints seriously and never confronted his parents about anything.  I don't blame you for keeping your distance.  I have opted out of a relationship with my inlaws at this point too.

Sarah

I'm so sorry you have gotten abused that way by being called names and treated like less of a person.  It is okay to keep your distance and I wouldn't push my husband to go see her anymore.  Let him handle her.  I don't care what her reasons were for saying anything, it sounds ugly and was intended to be mean and cruel to you.  I would go very low contact with her and hopefully your husband will do the same.  But no one has the right to abuse you.