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Please don't take a My Family/Your Family attitude

Started by Monroe, June 26, 2014, 11:37:20 am

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sofia13

Quote from: Stilllearning on July 16, 2014, 04:20:36 am
So true Sofia and ruining one takes two also.


Agreed!

This is why I took issue with putting the blame on the DIL for MIL/DS failed relationship in the first place. "It takes two to ruin a relationship" should be a mantra to people who have failed relationships with their DSs.

PS. I realize there are somethings that are beyond a parents controll. There are times when a relationship with a child has failed at no fault of the parents (i.e., a childs drug use) but in my expereince it does take two.

Lillycache

Quote from: sofia13 on July 16, 2014, 08:33:55 am
Quote from: Stilllearning on July 16, 2014, 04:20:36 am
So true Sofia and ruining one takes two also.


Agreed!

This is why I took issue with putting the blame on the DIL for MIL/DS failed relationship in the first place. "It takes two to ruin a relationship" should be a mantra to people who have failed relationships with their DSs.

PS. I realize there are somethings that are beyond a parents controll. There are times when a relationship with a child has failed at no fault of the parents (i.e., a childs drug use) but in my expereince it does take two.


So... exactly WHAT is your experience with this issue..??

Stilllearning

Actually I was referring to the relationship between you and your MIL.  I accept the mistakes I made with both my DIL and my DS but it seems to me that you want to place all of the blame on your MIL and/or your DH.  Or maybe I misread it and you have a good relationship with her?  I know that there are problems between her and her DS (your DH) which I can certainly blame him for but how is your relationship with your MIL?
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

sofia13

Lilly,

Whelp, I do have experience as the DIL who gets the blame when DS doesn't contact his FOO. I know from experience how unfair it is. Esp., since I encourage DS to contact his FOO and spend more time with them. I also let him choose every year how we spend the holidays; or whether or not he wants to invite FOO to kids school events or bday parties. I understand how important FOO is. I also want our children to have relationships with BOTH sides of their FOO. Most of the problem with DH & FOO is that he doesn't have as much interest to be around them as he once did; some of it is that he did grow tired of his DM (the guilt trips, the manipulation, and the neediness, the meddling). DH calls DM once per week and told me that sometimes, he only calls home bc he feels obligated to.

Stilllearning,

My relationship with MIL is cordial (I don't like her, and I'm sure the feeling is mutual) but we're cordial. I contact her for holidays, birthday, and mother's day. When she visits once a year, I'm considerate and respectful. I'm sure to give her alone time with GKs and DS; I make sure she has what she needs to be comfortable; I invite her along with the GKs and I, etc. But when she leaves, I'm as happy as a lark. We're not close. No matter how kind I am, I think she'll always see me as the one who took her place. She will only visit once a year and I'm more than okay with that.  ;)

Lillycache

Quote from: sofia13 on July 16, 2014, 01:12:53 pm
Lilly,

Whelp, I do have experience as the DIL who gets the blame when DS doesn't contact his FOO. I know from experience how unfair it is. Esp., since I encourage DS to contact his FOO and spend more time with them. I also let him choose every year how we spend the holidays; or whether or not he wants to invite FOO to kids school events or bday parties. I understand how important FOO is. I also want our children to have relationships with BOTH sides of their FOO. Most of the problem with DH & FOO is that he doesn't have as much interest to be around them as he once did; some of it is that he did grow tired of his DM (the guilt trips, the manipulation, and the neediness, the meddling). DH calls DM once per week and told me that sometimes, he only calls home bc he feels obligated to.

Stilllearning,

My relationship with MIL is cordial (I don't like her, and I'm sure the feeling is mutual) but we're cordial. I contact her for holidays, birthday, and mother's day. When she visits once a year, I'm considerate and respectful. I'm sure to give her alone time with GKs and DS; I make sure she has what she needs to be comfortable; I invite her along with the GKs and I, etc. But when she leaves, I'm as happy as a lark. We're not close. No matter how kind I am, I think she'll always see me as the one who took her place. She will only visit once a year and I'm more than okay with that.  ;)



Thank you so much for responding Sofia..  your experience is exactly what I thought it would be.   So if I am to take away something from your posts it's that unless our sons are impaired in someway.. like drug addicts.. or I would add, maybe in prison...  it's probably our own fault for some reason and that our sons likely hate us and don't really want to talk to us.  AND if they do decide to call us it's only because  feel some sort of obligation to do so. So we should just accept it and figure its just something we deserve.  Also... that our DILs are probably blameless and likely encouraging our sons to call us and to include us...  but to no avail.. so to place any blame on the DIL is likely more evidence of our insecurity and jealousy.     That's very helpful Sofia..


Lillycache

Oh...  and Sofia...  I forgot to ask.   Since this site is to give compasionate advise and understanding, as well as to share our experiences with others, what advise do you have for us MILs who are feeling left out and hurt?  What, using your experience,  should we do to make the situation better, or to at least make the hurt go away and to feel better? 

Stilllearning

Oh Lily, I hurt for you and I totally get where you are coming from!  Please do not let someone on this forum push your buttons!  Don't let her matter to your life.  She has her own life to lead and lessons to learn and I would not trade places even if I could.  Sending hugs!!!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Lillycache

My apology if my posts were hash.  I was making a point, and trying to do so delicately.   I do not  respond to posts from DILs complaining about their MILs.. because I know very well that I am biased... of course due to my own experience with MY DIL. I know myself and  therefore, rather than take it out on some innocent DIL, with a real issue, I don't interject my own negative  feelings into a response.   I would NEVER respond to a DIL who is hurting with reasons why she may wrong and perhaps deserves such treatment.   Therefore I defer to those who are more able to post helpful and understanding advise.  I am mature enough to be able to look at myself and my emotions and realize that I may not be the best one to respond.  I also realize that  not every DIL is MY DIL... and I don't have to jump in and let her know how horrible MY DIL is and that she most likely is too.   Does that make sense?    And that is what I feel was happening here.  I am not upset... nor are my buttons pushed...  It takes a heck of a lot more to do that..  Thank you StillLearning for your caring.  And again, I value those here who have offered their personal insight and their triumphs.  It's much easier to cope when you know others have weathered the same storm and learn how that have did it. 

Lillycache

Oh how I wish I could edit....   Last sentence...  and to learn how they did it..  OR have done it...  lol!!!

Stilllearning

I understand.  I wish I had a nickle for every time I typed something out on this site and then decided not to post it.  I find that just thinking it through enough to type it out often helps me put things into prospective and then I find that therapeutic enough that I no longer feel the need to post.   Glad you are OK!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Pooh

I think it's very easy to take a post personally sometimes. No matter if you are a DIL or MIL.  I have myself have from time to time.  Those I usually step away from pretty quickly before I do say something that I shouldn't.  We are all human here.  I also know that I have a harder time when someone is offering advice that hasn't really shared their story or difficulties yet.  We want to feel like the person sharing does know how we are feeling.  And a DIL that is being treated badly by an MIL is equally bad to an MIL that is being treated badly by a DIL. 

So let's move on from this one.  I think both sides have given some good examples and hopefully we each learned something. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell