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"Welcome to -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

Four years in

Started by tryingmybest, July 01, 2014, 07:09:50 am

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Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Quote from: Pen on July 04, 2014, 10:50:37 am
Pooh, so how do you make your poppy seed chicken??

Ha ha!  Easy Peasy and one of my YS's favorites!

1 can of cream of chicken soup, 1 small tub of sour cream, 2 sleeves of Ritz crackers, 3-4 chicken breasts, butter and poppy seeds.

Boil the chicken and shred or cut into bite size pieces when cool enough.  Mix the chicken, soup and sour cream together and put in a casserole dish.  Crush the Ritz crackers and put on top.  Place pats of butter around the top and sprinkle with poppy seeds.

Bake in 350 degree oven for 45 minutes, covering with aluminum foil for the first 20 minutes then uncover so crackers will brown.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Quote from: Lillycache on July 01, 2014, 07:46:51 am
Quote from: tryingmybest on July 01, 2014, 07:09:50 am
Thought I'd check back in and thank you wonderful women once again for helping me through the transition to MILhood. I lovingly detached, accepted the days before or after every single holiday. I never pushed or demanded or even asked, made it clear I knew the son's first priority had to be their new families - ie: wife and kids. It actually became easy after awhile because I had time to focus on my needs, and I relaxed!

Well, reality is hitting them in the face. "Their" families have never formed because the DIL's are still firmly emeshed into Their FOO. Sons are getting really sick of taking a back seat, when they get a seat at all. Now...they are turning back to Momma to try and discuss things to communicate...I've gently directed them back to their wives...who are sitting happily in their Mommy's kitchens getting and giving all the emotional support from their FOO they ever did, and having a build in vent for their marriage troubles.  ???

So I'm feeling guilty. Its clear there are problems, but my feeling right now is they' re not MY problems. I want to be emotionaally supportive but where is a safe middle ground?

I am also 4 years in to the break between myself and DIL.   TMB... I have stopped directing my son to his wife.  I used to do that, and to try to stay out of their affairs, but it didn't matter.  I was still a "problem" to be dealt with.  So NOW.. if my son comes to me on his own accord for advise or  help..  I give it, or at least offer my opinion if asked.  I've stopped worrying about what DIL may like or think..  Let her take it up with HIM for asking... or is she is really really brave... ME for giving.   

It took realizing that no matter what I did, or how good and unobtrusive I tried to be... the fact that I even existed or he even acknowledged me, and valued my opinion  was an issue.  SO now.. Who cares?   I know it's unfair to the husbands.   If wifey goes to her mommy for support and understanding.. that's normal and good..   If a man goes to HIS mother.. He's considered a whimp or worse yet a "momma's boy" and is guilty of sharing personal and classified information that his mom should not know.  Yet it is FINE for her mother and FOO to be in the loop and know what she does from morning to night.   I'm  done with worrying about it. .. My advise would be... If he asks you... why not feel free to offer what you have to give.  But that's my feeling on the matter.

I don't think that it is okay for a daughter to run to Mommy with her marriage problems. It creates division in a marriage and betrays privacy. My husband and I are both very private about what goes on in our marriage. That is the way it should be! Married couples need to learn to work out their problems on their own. Parents cannot be objective and they aren't going to be around all the time.

Tryingmybest, there is no need for you to feel guilty. You have done your part and there is no need for you to worry about problems that don't affect you. Keep directing your son back to his wife.


From a DIL's points of view, we used to go out of our way to visit both families on holidays. However, it was just unpractical. His family lived 6 hours away, and after we visited my family, we would spend 6 hours on the road only to arrive at his mum's place to have something to eat and to be given a long list of the people we were to visit. It was tiring. I really hate holidays!


It seems like that should have been negotiated. It's too long trip to eat, get in the car and go again. Why not Plan B, rest up and have everyone come by the next day? If not, Plan C...we're just not up for it. I'm with you, P.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama