Mother's Day 2014

[luise.volta]

Welcome, H - We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First, to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Web-site.

My take is that you're right and much can be solved by looking at our blessings without denying the fact that life isn't perfect and never will be. Hugs...

[HappyMom]

Thank you, Luise!  I did read those posts first (I knew to).

I gave myself a name to try to live up to, rather than one to try to crawl out of!

[luise.volta]

Oh, I like that idea, H.!  (And good for you for finding what we put there for you.)

I felt I needed to use my own name here, since it is my Website. I guess if I'd selected one...it might have been 'NotDoneYet', since I am 87 years young. 

[dedicatedmom]

Oh i thank for your post. I got a text msg today from OD, no call from YD and an obligatory call from DD3. I drove 120 miles to be with my son who took me to lunch and gave me a book by my favorite author. No sweet cards from anyone (today is also my birthday) but who knows maybe in the mail. No expectations a lesson i learned. I love your husbands suggestion it does feel like all that work for nothing:-)  Its how it feels. Your words comforted me tonight thank you.

[Lillycache]

I too have changed my approach to Mothers Day, and other Holidays for that matter, since joining here.  I make my own plans.  This year DH and I  rode up to our other house in the country, visited an asparagus farm,  picked some fresh rubarb out of our yard for strawberry rubarb pies,  checked out our plum, peach and apple trees.  I made a nice dinner for DH and I and we enjoyed a weekend in the country.   I didn't give DS a thought.   But guess what.  He called me on Friday to say he wanted to visit me on Saturday with the kids.   Too late, kido...   Mom had other plans and was out of town.   He best learn to call a little farther in advance if he wants to see me.    And that is the attitude I have been taking.  If he wants to see me, and wants me to see his kids, he has to realize I just may have made other plans.   Four years ago, I'd have been waiting by the phone for him  to decide to call and tell me he was going to see me.   To heck with that!    He did post a very lovely poem on my FB page yesterday, praising me and all that I have done for him.   That was sweet.    I don't have daughters to fill in the gaps... I have to make my own Mothers Day special... cuz ya know what?  I am, at least DH thinks so.. and I have always valued his opinion!  lol!!   

[Pen]

Welcome, HM!I love your post and totally agree - we know we were at least "good enough" mothers and if no one else is honoring us we can honor ourselves. We spend many decades of our lives parenting, and if we allow those years to be dismissed we're losing a big chunk of our lives. I have fond memories of those years, even the tough ones, and I know I gave parenting my all.

My MDay plans went through a few changes before I settled on simply staying home and working in the garden. I didn't want to spend 4+ hours on the road for a 1 hour lunch w/DS, DD & DH (DIL wasn't available.) DS was too busy to make the drive to us. He did call & we had a lovely little convo which made my day. DD & I finished a cut & tie blanket for her bed, and DH & I planted our veg boxes.

It would have been nice to have been treated to a day w/o cooking or other household chores (DH always says "You're not MY mom") and I would have loved to have been gifted with a spa day, flowers, concert tix or jewelry, but I've learned not to expect those things. I can take myself to the spa or buy myself flowers another day. I loved working w/my DDD and seeing her joy when she completed her blanket. 

[luise.volta]

What a win, Pen!  My son spent 17 Mothers' Days in Hawaii. The last two, after they moved back to WA, were with me. Something I'm never going to take for granted again! I'm sure they moved back two years ago because I hit 85 and stopped driving but they won't admit to that. (Sweet...)

[HappyMom]

I think that's great, Lilly!  Because OD, 27,  is married (6 years) and YD, 24, isn't, our holiday plans have always been that YD gets with OD to arrange the date.  Not only is there his family to consider (who I always gave first dibs to, though they dont always celebrate holidays, depending on how dysfunctional they're being at the time), but in the past three years, he has had a job with an ever-changing schedule that can include nights. 

This has been practical, and has always been fine with YD.  YD also likes to see us, with a boyfriend, maybe, on Christmas day also, if  we have all gotten together the day before.  Everyone lives in the same city.

We have always celebrated Chistmas, Thanksgiving, 3 birthdays (two of them are celebrated combined), and MD and FD.  I've never been particular at all about the exact date we celebrate these, except for Christmas, which the rest of us want to have on Christmas or the day before - morning, afternoon, evening, doesn't matter.  We don't do as many get-togethers as when my mother was alive, who liked doing Easter, etc., as well.  Some might think that's still too many, though.

Well, I think we created a monster by always scheduling everything around OD and SIL's needs and desires, because in the past few years, she has increasingly acted as if it is a total burden to be with us at all.  I remember once we had her birthday dinner a month after the fact!  (They are not really that busy.)  That didn't upset any of us; I just mention it as an example.  And in the past two years, she has focused on some little imagined thing at two of these events to get upset over, which threatened to ruin things, that I had to smooth over. 

The height of all this was this past Christmas, when the dates she submitted for celebrating with us were something like December 14 and January 12!   I said that was ridiculous, and eventually they saw their way clear to scheduling us for Christmas Eve morning.  Because the rest of us just were not going to do that.  That meant the dinner I usually make everyone was out, but we had a very nice brunch instead. 

(The best ever was one we had on Christmas Eve, because that gave me much more time to prepare and enjoy the fabulous dinner, THEN relax and do gifts!  Imagine doing things in the way that's best for mom!)

I was honestly getting to the point where I was considering putting the three of us first, for a change, despite SIL's changing schedule, and offering them a choice of two or three dates we decide on - pick one, and if you can't make it, we'll do it without you.

So like I said, created a monster.  That won't be a problem anymore, though, should they ever come around again, I can tell you that.

[Cranky Pants]

I want to share with you how I had the best Mother's Day in years.  I found out about a location nearby that had a lovely park.  I went, enjoyed the sunshine, talked to the people with small babies, and did whatever I wanted to do.  I treated myself to a large pizza on the way home and worked on a big project that I love to do.  It was close to midnight when I was finished working and I realized that I had a lot of fun on this particular Mother's Day.  No gifts from anyone, just the gift to myself of 24 hours to do exactly and precisely what I wanted to do. 

The flower sellers, jewelry merchants and gift shops probably love Mother's Day in the same way they love Christmas shoppers.  I say we "Take Back Mother's Day".......and start a movement to go to parks or shelters where homeless families are found.  Give them the gifts you didn't get, the flowers you wish you had received.  While Mother's Day has always been a day for the kids to remember their Moms, I think we should transform it into a day where we take the nurturing, affection and whatever we can afford to improve the lives of some children (and their parents, there is nothing worse than not being able to give your children what they need or want).  I wish I had thought of it yesterday, so today I'm off to make a donation to my local shelter that cares for the Homeless.

Don't dwell on what isn't in your life, make a difference in the life of someone else's children.

CP

[HappyMom]

P.S.  We did sometimes have these get-togethers without SIL, except for Christmas, which I couldn't imagine without him, and told them so.  The last get-together we had was in January (my birthday and YD birthday), and I just assumed he would be working or something, but he showed up, and I was so happy!

[Didi.lost]

Love your positive post Happy Mom.....It is uplifting to hear....I have myself been having a very hard sad hurtful
mothers day...I don't know why.....This is the third mothers day that I have not heard from OD and it really cuts like a knife....I wish this feeling would just go away already...

I know I have to busy myself with something else and forget about this and move on.

I hope by next mothers day I can have your attitude and be happy with all the good in my life, my wonderful DH and DS and DIL who still love me and I'm very grateful for that.  I know I have to hold onto that tight. And I will.

I'm not defined by one person's view of me, I was a "good enough mother" and I can be happy and we all can have a good life.  It's up to us isn't it?

[luise.volta]

D - My view is we never 'forget about it'...but we can learn to focus elsewhere. I got stuck in the injustice way too long and didn't move as on quickly as some of the others here. I think we may all have our own pace. Sending hugs...

[Didi.lost]

Yes Luise so true.... Guess i'm a slow one at getting to that better place I need to be.  I am learning and this site has been so wonderful for helping me see that I will get there eventually.. Thanks to you and your wonderful caring son

[HappyMom]

I don't want to make it sound like I'm not miserable about the situation with my OD, cause I am.  The pain is acute at times - like you say, a stabbing sometimes.  And the next MD could be even worse somehow! I told my younger daughter maybe next MD might be better, and she said, I doubt it.  This situation has only come to a head two months ago or so, so I'm really a newbie with it.

I worked hard to get past the shock.  (That felled me for a week.) Then to get to acceptance, which i think I've done a pretty good job of so far.  I looked up various forums, and found books about estrangement - misery loves company, ya know!  Then I discovered this forum, and spent the last several weeks devouring as much of it as I could.  It has been very helpful.  Mother's Day seemed like a good time to hop in.

Getting stuck in the injustice - i know the feeling.  When it's unjust, it just is.  But nothing you can do about that, so . . .

[Pooh]

Having good holidays is certainly not about wishing it was different, and still feeling the pangs.  It's about not letting it ruin your holidays, or any day for that matter.

I came to think about losing the relationship with my OS like a death of someone you love.  I lost my Grandmother years ago, and in the beginning, I was miserable.  I thought about her constantly and holidays were horrible because I missed her so much.  I didn't want to celebrate holidays because she wasn't there.  I could cry at the drop of a hat just because I was eating something she used to love. In time, the pain got less and I was able to realize that although I would always think about her and wish she was there, it wasn't consuming my thoughts constantly and I was missing out celebrating all the good that comes along with them and life. 

That's seriously how I think of OS now.  It has gotten easier with time to let go and move forward.  Doesn't mean there are not times that I go, "Wow, I wish he was here for this....or wow, I wish I could tell him about this."  It just doesn't hurt as bad as it used to, and once I've thought it now I can go, "Well, yes, that would be nice, but that's not what is going to happen."  It no longer consumes me and I took my Holidays back, I took my days back, I took my nights back.....I took my life back.

You can't control their choices, but you can control yours.