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(almost) DIL and her 5 kids are living with us and she's lazy and very dirty

Started by PFORTE, April 30, 2014, 06:26:04 am

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If your son owns a home, they should be living there.  I would have a conversation something like this..."son, we've loved having your family here, but this is getting a little stressful for us, we love you and your family, but do you have a move out date in mind?" 


...and I would add...you get the first pick of the date for your move in the next two months, otherwise we will need to pick the date since were scheduling some paining and renovating. This was always temporary, remember? So let us know by the end of the week or we'll let you know. One of these days, sooner than you realize, you will be doing the same thing for your kids. Glad we could help.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Thanks again for the comments/advice. The intent was never to kick them out - a family of 7 isn't going to be able to just land on their feet and it's the children who will suffer the most for that. The intent was to solve the lazy person problem.  He tried for 6mos to find employment after leaving the USMC, anywhere near where his house is, but there simply isn't work to be found. It's a very depressed region (old coal/steel town).  Saying "get out and go where you know you couldn't feed your family" is simply not within my moral character.

But happily the lazy person has seen the light and things ARE a TON better.  I know a lot of people have been surprised that we would take them in.  We've been met with a lot of folks saying "WOW! They're lucky to have you!!"  Which always seems odd to me.  Hubby and I cannot think of a single reason to NOT help our kids, if we can. Sure, it can be stressful - but i also think that being their age and having to ask for help and the embarassment of not being able to provide for your own family, is even more stressful.  When we had our kids, we committed to them for life, not just 20 yrs or so - we feel the only "luck" involved is that we're ABLE to help them. 

Problem solved. Maybe I'm wrong but I simply could never turn my back on one of our children. If you can't count on family when times are hard, who else is there??

Thanks again!


Always, it is your belief system and your decision. We just respond and you get to 'take what you want and leave the rest.' Good luck to you, P.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Thanks Luise!  I am very hopeful - the changes are dramatic (in a good way) and I feel like we're all closer than ever. 

Found out from my ex sister in law, that my ex husband basically told my son more or less what everyone has been saying he needs to understand (and I need to understand) - that allowing her to behave that way is just as much his problem as anything.  Coming from both his parents might have helped him listen a little easier / better - or perhaps caused her to actually hear it.  Whatever the background, we'll happily take it!  We shared a nice Mother's Day together - probably nicer than either of us would have had separately.

Thanks again everyone - appreciate your words of wisdom!


I would rather stay in a shelter than live with my in laws or my parents, so I would never be in this kind of situation.

I wouldn't lift a finger if I lived with someone who would criticize any efforts I made. I am not saying that you are putting down your DIL, PForte. I think that taking in your son and his family was very generous. I was merely conveying what would make me not want to do anything since you asked for a DIL's opinion.

The suggestions that you make to your DIL are perfectly reasonable. However, she might perceive your comments as nagging or judgmental. I obviously do not know how you speak to your DIL as I am not present during these conversations.