I Feel Cheated, Used, Outraged and Very Sad

[mixedmediamom]

5 years ago my (now) 24 yr old son was diagnosed bi-polar. He blames me for his diagnosis by merit of pro-creating with his father.
The last time I spoke to him, which was in march, he told me I taught him "how to deal drugs". He is paranoid, hostile, still smoking pot and the father of my 8 mos old grandson.
Voted rennasaince (sic) man of his sophmore class he has become a clone of my abusive ex-husband.
fdil recently diagnosed bi-polar; still smoking pot.
I am too distraught to explain further... I feel cheated, used, outraged and so very sad.

[Pen]

MMM, welcome. This is a very good place for support; I'm glad you found us. Please keep posting and reading; there are women here who have gone through a lot with their adult children and can relate to your story. In the meantime, do something that validates just you today...try to let the other stuff go for a little while, even if it's just an hour or so. {{{hugs}}}

[luise.volta]

MMM - This forum s the place to be with the kind of pain and loss you are describing. I moved your post because you need some space of your own here. Sending love...

[Hope]

MMM,
I feel the pain you are going through in your post.  I know you will find strength in visiting this forum.  It helps to be surrounded by others who understand and are there to support you.  I've heard it is very difficult to deal with bi-polar, however, I have not had any first hand experience.  I believe from what you have written, you need to give your ds/fdil/gc space and step back.  I think you will find peace in rediscovering yourself and getting busy with new or old interests.  There are some very wise women here that can give you more guidance.  Hang in there, much more support is coming.
Hugs, Hope

[DDM]

Welcome to the forum MMM. I can only imagine how difficult and heartbreaking your situation is. Unfortunately, mental illness is so difficult to understand. It can alter ones personality to the point you no longer recognize, let a lone understand them. I hope your son is receiving the necessary medical care. Many, many people suffer from bi=polar disorder and with the right medication live happy normal lives. Sending 'hugs'.

[mixedmediamom]

Thanks ladies for your support. I am trying very hard to nurture myself. What i am going through is very painful. One of my sisters
told my son several years ago he "didn't need all that medication" and my life has been hell ever since.
the grandiosity of his manic moods got him in trouble with the law...I spent several years in front of a very understanding judge
and constantly terrified of my son's next adventure.
He got clean while fdil was pregnant and that was very nice, I thought finally I could relax a little. But she was eager to go back to partying and the anxiety and mood swings began again and were complicated by her own recent diagnosis.
Recently, in a innocent conversation with her i stated, quite honestly and spontaneously,that his situation (of suddenly being a
father) wasn't exactly what I had hoped for him at this age...the look in her eye, the flash of skepticism and hostility that I glimpsed...well, i knew it would not be the same ever again.
Sure enough she engineered a way to keep us apart.
But he is so different now and accuses me of things in his paranoid state. Even though I am a trained educational advocate in my state and quite knowledgeable of early childhood,etc., now I am a bad mother. It hurts because there is a lot more to our story. But I have always been there for him and now that  he has produced a beautiful child, my grandson, he cuts me out of
his life. Even though I have a fatal condition (chf) and can't afford to have a broken heart.
The kid is really crazy and i should count my losses and move on...but I don't know if I ever will. So here I am.

[luise.volta]

I hope that reading other women's stories here and offering them comfort helps you. I has me. I think we do better sometimes, not going over what we can't stand and can't change. And we have seen some beautiful inner-healing.
Sending love...