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Some advice for me from you ladies please

Started by allthatmatters, April 14, 2014, 12:34:37 pm

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allthatmatters

Ok ladies I have a thick skin so if I've being unreasonable let me have it I am trying to learn :)

My MIL is awesome, I am extremely lucky let me tell you and I know that.  My issue is her telling me how to take care of my children like I don't know what I am doing and it hurts my feelings and makes me mad.  It seems to be that she cannot seperate me from her other grandchildrens mom, who for tr lack of better words should have never been allowed to have children.  My inlaws have been raising my nieces on and off their whole lives and they currently live with them full time.  Who knows maybe my mil is just being caring but from my stand point telling me to watch my daughter when my mil walks away?  I am standing right there I always have my eyes on her even when's DH has her.  It's like she does not trust me :(  another example is when they get colds she keeps questioning if they are going to the doctor and if I say they will be fine it's just a cold and she just keeps going on and on.
Maybe it's just me and I am being to sensitive I don't want her to think I am a terrible mom like the other one :(

Pooh

Ha ha!  Ok, I'm not laughing at you....I'm laughing with you.  You just described my first MIL!  She would come in, tell me how to dress them, tell me how to Doctor them, tell me how to feed them, tell me how to.......to change my curtains!

No, you are not being unreasonable at all.  It's very annoying when you have an MIL like that.  I had to learn to just say to myself, "Self...that's just how she is and how miserable must her life be?"  Then I would ignore her remarks all the while drawing a huge target on her back and wishing I had an arrow :)
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

allthatmatters

Haha thanks for the laugh Pooh.  I don't think she is miserable under a lot of stress raising 2 young girls with no help from their parents so we try and help when we can.  I just wish she would look at me as me and how I am as a mom.

Pooh

I'm sure she is very stressed and it's great that you take that into consideration.  I think many times, MILs included, think they are "helping".
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

allthatmatters

Maybe I will just look at that perspective and tell myself she is just being helpful and caring. 

Pooh

I had to take a good, hard look at my MIL's relationship with her Mother.  Not that it excuses it, and you would think that she would have maybe learned from it and how it made her feel, but her Mother was constantly bossing her around.  You could tell when her Mother started on her, in front of us at times, it made her feel really bad.  So I never could understand why she did it to me.  Then again, I always thought that maybe since her Mother did do it to her, she thought she was supposed to?

I know that when I became an MIL, because of what my first one had done to me, I vowed never to be that type of MIL.  I still have to catch myself sometimes though, trying to "help".  Just simple things like DIL would be at her wits end with teething and griping to me that she had tried everything. Before I thought (because she didn't ask) I would say something like, "Have you tried a cold washcloth or frozen teether yet? Or orajel?"  Good intentions, but I'm sure my own DIL thinks I'm crossing the line at times.  It truly is no reflection of her or that I think she isn't a good Mother.  It's me being "helpful".

Yes, in a perfect world we wouldn't offer advice without being asked.  I'm not perfect :)

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

allthatmatters

I see your point Pooh thank you!!  It helps to hear the other side and helps me understand.  I have never met my MILs mom, I just figured her being "helpful" was due to the other mother and her lack of caring for her children

luise.volta

I think sometimes bossiness is the only way some women can relate across the generational line.  Your MIL's mom was her role model. She may think...if it ever gets up past the automatic barrier to actually thinking...that she is relating to you, showing concern, contributing. Who knows? We can't make sense of the senseless...and I sometimes think we give credit where it isn't due, in trying to understand. Endure. That seems to be the operational word. I love the idea of imagining a target on her back. Maybe you can think of things to dip the arrows in, like a potion that renders her speechless?   8)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

allthatmatters


Pooh

Quote from: luise.volta on April 14, 2014, 05:38:29 pm
I think sometimes bossiness is the only way some women can relate across the generational line.  Your MIL's mom was her role model. She may think...if it ever gets up past the automatic barrier to actually thinking...that she is relating to you, showing concern, contributing. Who knows? We can't make sense of the senseless...and I sometimes think we give credit where it isn't due, in trying to understand. Endure. That seems to be the operational word. I love the idea of imagining a target on her back. Maybe you can think of things to dip the arrows in, like a potion that renders her speechless?   8)


Hee hee.  Luckily, I traded way up and have a great one now!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pen

ATM, it must be difficult to hold your tongue at times. I'm trying to come up with something you might say or do that would get the point across without hurting her feelings and causing a rift. It might be something your DH could help with by stating, when appropriate, what a wonderful mother you are, as wonderful as his own, yadda yadda. Maybe your MIL unconsciously wants affirmation that she herself was a good mom.

I really don't know, since I never had a MIL who was geographically close enough to become annoying. I always thought it would have been nice to have some help and advice (my mom passed away before I had children and my stepmother wasn't interested in being a GM to my kids.) We somehow managed to muddle through without it, lol.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

freespirit

I never give my  DIL advice.  And those that know me here,  must know that is pretty hard for me.  I simply ask myself; how did she so that? That is, how was my DIL able to seal my lips?

When I think back, this is how our  conversation went, before my lips were sealed.
Child  has a little fever:
Me: Before  giving my children medication,  I used  to   just make a cool cloth wrap around  their legs.
DIL:  She interrupted me at: 'cool'....and  always finished the  sentence "wrap around their legs," while nodding in agreement.

Child is a fussy eater:
Me: I made faces with their food.
DIL: joined me at  the word faces,....and then went on and on about what faces which foods which meals....there  was no stopping her.

Child is fresh:
Me:  Don't allow him to get away with it, stop him   right at the beginning....
DIL: She grabs child in front of me, closes the door behind her, and puts him in his thinking corner. ..leaving me with my jaw open.
.........
My DIL literally pulled the rug out from under me every time. So, I suggest, next time your MIL  wants to give you advice, don't nod  and smile. That simply recharges a MIL's battery. You'll see... if my DIL 's method could shut me up; ...believe me, you'll  be able to do it with your MIL too. Good luck!

...Picking up my heels and running out the door.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

confusedbyinlaws

I don't think there is anything wrong with telling your MIL how you feel in an appropriate way.  Would something like this sound too harsh? : "When you tell me how to raise the children, it hurts my feelings and makes me feel angry.  I know you love your grandchildren and you are just trying to help, but it makes me feel like you think I am inadequate as a mother. "
I tried keeping my mouth shut with my MIL and endured and it didn't work out that well for me or my MIL.  I don't think "enduring" works for everyone, unless you have a very strong sense of self and are able to be detached and let comments roll off like water on a duck's back.   

Footloose

Confused,  I totally agree w/ open and honest feedback in a nice way of course!  As a MIL, that's what I wish for because I really can be clueless at times....

confusedbyinlaws

Quote from: Footloose on April 24, 2014, 11:15:40 am
Confused,  I totally agree w/ open and honest feedback in a nice way of course!  As a MIL, that's what I wish for because I really can be clueless at times....


As a MIL this is also what I wish for.  As a DIL, I wished for a MIL who would consider my feelings when I did express them.   I didn't give my MIL honest feedback often enough, but when I did, she didn't listen or consider my feelings.  Her take was that if I didn't like things she did, I must have a problem and I need to just get over it.