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Some advice for me from you ladies please

Started by allthatmatters, April 14, 2014, 12:34:37 pm

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Me too - I wish for open and honest feedback, with civility. I don't always pick up on what's happening - I get easily sidetracked by DDD (dear disabled daughter) and can be nervous around DIL/DS sometimes due to previous weird interactions with them. My hearing and eyesight aren't tip-top anymore, so sometimes what I think I may have seen/heard isn't exactly what happened. Help is appreciated :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Thanks ladies for all the advice, when my MIL says though things I so badly want to say something...anything...but nothing comes out.  I find it difficult to express myself since she is not my Mother, who let me tell you I have no fear telling her to back off.  However my mom rarely even toes my boundary lines probably because I established those a long time ago and stuck to them.  Lately now my MIL wants to one up me for some strange reason, MIL will say (on the rare occasions she gets alone time) "LO did this with me or said that" and smile at me like LO only does that for her and so I spit out (without thinking) she already does that that or says that.  MIL wants LO to hug her or sit with her and LO does not want to and pulls away and crawls into my lap and MIL pouts, and says see she needs more Grandma time she doesnt see her enough.  Now why do I want to be around that?  Help me understand where she is coming from and how I can deal with that.


My take is we can never figure out where others are coming from or why they do what they do. We often look for logic where there is none and try to make sense of the senseless. I don't take what others say as fact. (Like you being told what your child needs.) I know it is their truth and try to leave it at that. My truth and yes, boundaries, are the foundation of my life. Sometimes that supports relationships and sometimes it doesn't...but meeting the expectations of others or hoping they will meet mine fell by the wayside long ago. I was a DIL and am a MIL. I have great grandchildren who are in college...so I have a few miles on me. However, (there's that word), what has worked for me may not work for you. What I want to say is that you are at choice.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


What Luise said.  Unfortunately, your expectations and her expectations are not the same.  Unless expectations are similar between two parties, things are never going to jive.  For you, your expectations make perfect sense and for her, to her, hers make perfect sense.  There is no understanding it there is only how you are going to deal with it.  I found that "knowing" I was never going to be able to meet my Ex MIL's expectations, because frankly, they were unrealistic for anyone, allowed me to just smile many times while thinking to myself, "She's never going to change, this is who she is, right or wrong."

I had to learn to accept her for how she was.  That doesn't mean you have to take "abuse" or allow her to do things that jeopardize the safety of your child or your ethics of raising your child, it just means letting go of all the small things and knowing you are doing your best.  Easier said than done. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell