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Adult son rejecting

Started by Karen Anderson, March 30, 2014, 07:33:21 pm

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Karen Anderson

Help.  My son and I were very close until he was 15.  Then he was abused at the High School I worked at during my first  year.  (WE had moved for this job as my husband had been laid off permanently. ) First my husband moved with me but then he moved back to go to school.   I did not know my son had been physically abused by much larger boys until years later.  My husband locked him out of the house when my husband wasn't home because my son's friends were stealing from him.  AT least once a week my husband would come to spend time with me and the girls for  a day for 8 years.  My son did not come except for Christmas.  So my son moved in with my folks who were both serious x marines.  During that time, I only saw him about 5 times a year.  It was like he didn't have time for me then either. When he needed me, I was there.  I thought.   He was working in the summers and barely had enough time for family even then.  I did give him  a car.  I didn't have the presence of mind to talk to him about life and give him options.  He went into the Marines the fall after he graduated from High School.  He got married a few months before he got out 3 years later.  He was rude to me immediately in front of his wife. She was very sweet.  I had become disabled with serious back problems, fybromyalgia, and arthritis in feet and hand, and thoracic outlet syndrome. I had to quit my teaching job after just 10 years.   But, I am still trying to substitute.  I feel a mess at only 60 years old. But, what hurts the most is my son's behavior.  I thought he was getting better, hugging me independently.  Today he called his dad, and when he talked to me I commented that he took the plane to Disneyland.  He suddenly got up set, and said well.... if you weren't stalking me on Facebook, you wouldn't have thought that.  I couldn't believe it.  I felt like I had been hit with a  two by four in the chest.  His wife does not allow me to watch their son because she does not think I have the strength.  He was a very large infant, 13 pounds at birth and quickly 20 pounds.  And at 5 years old wears size 8.  I understand although I have always watched my daughter's children when ever managing to keep them clean and happy.  In fact, my son doesn't even come to our home or invite us over.  Well I could go on and on.   My response to his "stalking" comment was to change the topic and get off the phone ASAP and cry.  I am afraid that he won't answer the phone if I tried to call.  He often does that.  He does not get along with his wife, but will defend her to the hilt... which I like.  I tell him, the best thing he can do for  his son is to love his wife, his son's mother.   I feel better just writing this down.  I wonder if I should just ignore the comment, or try to talk to him.  It doesn't seem to help to talk to him... he just laughs.  My 15 year old grandson was in the house and he just hugged me and said I love you grandma.  I hope I didn't give him a reason to be mad with his uncle when I reacted... off the phone about the "stocking" comment.  I just suddenly wanted to know if it was in fact considered stalking to look at my own son's pictures on facebook.  I just hurt inside and out about this relationship.  My husband is not helpful and I get mad at him.  He seems to make things worse. So, he is not a good one to talk to about these issues.  Just thinking about it makes me hurt all over. I feel better as I say FORGIVE, FORGIVE,  but I am afraid to even approach this son. 


I, for one, can forgive but if abuse was involved I can't trust again. Once trust is broken, that's it for me and I don't set myself up for further abuse. The FaceBook issue is more abuse to my way of thinking. And I don't see how anything you say or do...or even don't say or don't do...will alter your son's behavior. It doesn't sound like he responds in a positive way to your efforts and choosesinstead to misinterpret them. I would suggest you step back from it and focus on your health and you own marriage. You matter...a lot. Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


That would be my advice as well.  He's been telling you with his actions for a long time that he is just not interested in a close relationship.  It sounds to me like he has done the best he could with a difficult situation during his teenage years and as a young adult.  I would seriously just give him space and concentrate on things that make you happy.

As far as just looking at his Facebook, no I don't think in any way that is stalking.  Now if it's a pattern to mention things you have seen on his Facebook, I could see why he felt that way.  Not that you're doing that, but I actually have a classmate that is on my page, who never comments, likes anything or speaks to me hardly ever.  When we got to our reunion a couple of years ago, she was literally talking about everything I had done in the last few months to me.  I knew then that she does look at my page apparently quite often.  I don't care as far as I put it out there, but it does make you feel a little strange to know someone does pay attention to everything you do but yet you never really talk.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell