Kind thoughts for me please Wise Women..

[Lillycache]

Just had word that my older sons is on his way to inpatient Rehab for alcohol withdrawal.  He is 44..   For years he has struggled.  I have had no choice but to sit by and watch.  I had resigned myself to the fact that he would eventually drink himself to death...   I had to give him a safe place to do it in.  One can only beg, plead, or threaten so much.   However, last night he had a psychotic epidsode during a drunken rage and made some threats to my husband.    When he sobered up.. I told him he had a choice..  He could live here, or he could drink... but not both.  He just received a call back  from the VA hospital that they would take him into their program.   I'm numb.   Simply numb.   I can't feel anything.  Not hope.. not sadness.   I have had the life sucked out of me by him since he began drinking at 15.   I've had hopes many times before, only to have them dashed.   Kind thoughts.. words... anything you have for me.   I'll take prayers too... but those have never worked for me.     

[Lillycache]

NOt such good news.  Looks like he is coming home, as he decided to do outpatient rehab.  So a prescription of ativan and home...  This will last about a month. Then back again to old habits.  Not sure how much more I can take..   BUT... thanks for listening..

[Cranky Pants]

LC, the people at Alanon will see you through.  You can go to a meeting a day, if there are some in your area, and there are meetings on the web.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

http://alanon.activeboard.com/

Good luck to you and your son,
CP

[luise.volta]

We are here for you and carry you in our hearts. Hugs...

[Didi.lost]

LC one day at a time is all you can do at this point.  I feel I'm in for some of the same as you.  My dd drinking since 15 and 40 now and no signs of ever stopping.

We can't do much but leave it to a higher power.  You feel you can't do this anymore, I know what you mean but we must
do it and get through it.

Better days ahead dear LC

We are here for you

[Lillycache]

The hardest part of being the mother of an adult alcoholic is the  Shouldas, couldas, wouldas.   I have found myself going back and looking at everything I may have done to contribute to his illness.   But of course, I know that doesn't fly.  I raised another son who is responsible and a good family man.   But it's still a thing mothers do I guess.   I also feel that I'm what they call and enabler..  People have said kick him out.. tough love.. etc.   BUT how can a mother turn her back on a sick child... even if he is 44... he's still my son.  It would kill me to know he was in danger or vulnerable.   At any rate.. he is home and going back to the doctor today for more blood work, and his prescriptions..which he has not taken for quite some time...  and of course to set up his outpatient rehab.  When he is sober he is kind, smart and funny..  when drunk.. thankfully he tries to keep away from us.  but sometimes like this time.. there is a confrontation.   one day at a time... one day at a time. 

[Pooh]

I'm sorry Lilly.  My thoughts are with you.  Big hugs.

[Monroe]

Dear, dear Lilly --

Have you ever tried Al-Anon?  It is a great help.  You will find yourself among others that understand - because they have walked - are walking - a mile in your shoes.  You will learn tools and techniques to handle these challenges. 

Some say it is based on religion (no particular denomination) - but it is very helpful even to those who are not religious. 

Through Al-Anon, you can learn how to detach with love, and how to quit being an enabler - if in fact that is what you are. 

Best wishes - let us know how this goes. 

Much love

[Lillycache]

Yes.. I have considered Alanon..  however, being an adult child of an alcoholic myself... I had tried ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) and got very little out of it.  It seemed to me that everyone was trying to show everyone else how damaged they were.  No one really wanted to hear about positive things.. just sad, depressing things... so I have been Leary about Alanon.     If by enabler... If that means a parent who realizes I have no control  over his drinking and his actions.   however I refuse to put him in the street to die.  SO... I guess I am providing him a safe place to practice his slow suicide.. BUT.. I would rather that than worry if he was suffering out there alone in the gutter.   So... That's it..... in a nutshell.   Right now he is sober.   He will want me to give him a ticker tape parade... but I have a hard time being hopeful and upbeat...  Too many disappointments..  to many wasted parades.

[luise.volta]

L., I have no experience with perpetual parenting, whatever the disability. All I can do is let you know that I care. Life is tough enough when an AC makes it on his/her own but lands way too far out on a skinny branch. Even though I can't imagine what you are up against...I can get a sense of your angst, despair, fatigue and incredible loyalty and love. I honestly am not sure I could do what you are doing. Feel my e-hugs, dear one...

[Cranky Pants]

LC, I hope you will give Alanon a chance.  I found hope and compassion there and the fellowship/friendship of some wonderful people who had been down the path before me.
Hugs to you,
CP

[Footloose]

I have had personal experience with Alanon and Naranon for families and loved ones of people who have addictions.

I started going to meetings and counseling at first so I could FIX HIM once and for all.  I was not broken because, after all, I was the responsible person, the good guy, always fixing always pushing, always bleeding and hurting for my first husband. I lost myself in the process and my newborn son was the one who motivated me to get his dad fixed once and for all.  Yeah, I could handle the chaos, dysfunction and abuse but there was no way I would allow my new baby to have any of it.  I was so invisible, I do not recognize that poor young woman who was my prior self.  I have just gotten (finally) to know her and she's pretty cool!

These meetings are different depending on the folks who participate.  If you do not find a fit at one, please do try another?  On line forums may also help but please start the healing for yourself now?

I learned that with every person who has an active addiction, they also have people who enable or help the behavior continue because they are trying to "help".  This help never works because it is coming from the wrong source, a person OTHER than the addicted. 

It is very popular these days to call poor behavior choices an illness and there are 12 step programs for all of these, from over eating to over sexing, over texting, infidelity, sending pics over the web of your willy, etc.....

I believe the illness is in choice making and character.  To drive change in every individual, it must be their choice.  They may not make that healthy choice if they never suffer consequences.  Many say an addict must find their rock bottom before they are willing to make the change for themselves.  We must let them find that bottom, even if it means their death. 

Please talk to his outpatient center or a counselor that specializes in family issues around addiction.

You play a part, even through your perfect love and best wishes for your son.  It way be time to let go and let him face his life warts and all if he is ever to decide to change his ways.

Hus dear sister, it's time for YOU to feel better.

[Cranky Pants]

Eloquent and touching.  We can all use a bit of this.
Thanks, FL

[Pooh]

Excellent post FL

[Lillycache]

I want to thank each and every one of you for your input, encouragement and advise.  I very much appreciate it.  I have to say a few things.   Yes..  FL..   I understand letting the addicted person suffer the consequences, and hit rock bottom.. I understand that they will either make the decision to turn their lives around... or die.    What I don't understand is how one can stand by and let her child do that.  As you could not let your infant son suffer from his fathers addiction... this is MY son who is dealing with his own addiction.   I can say... "Now I will think of myself".... but in the case of a child... a mother IS thinking of herself by protecting him, as she knows beyond a doubt that she will blame herself until the day she dies if something happens to that child.    Yes.. he will either turn his life around OR he will die... But I ask, can any of you say with complete certainty  that you would take that chance with your child?    I'm asking this honestly... I'm not trying to be difficult or argumentative.   So many times I have thought of completely cutting him loose and kicking him out.  But I always stop short.  Why?  Because I know that I could not live if I felt I pushed him off the ledge.    A husband is one thing.... a father is one thing... or any other relative.... but a child is part of you in a way no other person can be.  That is what makes this so difficult.