Had an e-mail from ES and DIL

[Vasilisa]

V - I sounds like you don't know what was wrong. Any posts that contain generalized accusations against MILs or DILs (or any other group for that matter) are not seen as reflecting tolerance and understanding. Most of us need both. WWU is not a site for blaming or taking sides. You are welcome here. This is just a request to post in the spirit of mutual respect. Thanks.

Thank you for taking the time to explain as indeed I did not know what was wrong. I certainly did not intend to make an accusation at all and apologize for not expressing myself well and inadvertently giving offense. It looks as though I need to take a break as the last thing I want is to write something that will cause pain.

[Doe]

Any advice would be much appreciated as we dont know which way to turn. Do we compromise our self respect just to get to see the Grandkids? or let it lie for a while as life is much calmer. They dont seem to want to meet us halway and take no responsibilty for their own actions.
Farrelly

Hi Farrelly-

If I said go ahead, compromise your self respect in order to see the grandkids, would you go run to the phone and do it?   Since they wouldn't meet you halfway, you'd be turning over your self respect to them to do whatever they wanted to.   If you do that, is there a promise of seeing the grandkids?

If you let it lie for a while, don't open any emails from them,etc, does that make you feel better?  Or worse? 

My advice is the second one - to lie low until you are more certain about how you want to approach the situation.  Don't even read the emails for awhile.    Mull over your options and see which one fits.   I have a feeling that either path you take won't be easy but I think one will make you stronger than the other.

[Pooh]

Ok, maybe I'm jaded, but I think that since you have stopped contacting them for 3 months, after your unsuccessful attempts to repair the relationship for so long, it may have lit a bee under their bonnett!  I'm finding as long as I seem miserable and beggish in a relationship, the other party is content.  Once I am showing that I am moving on with my life, they don't like it and attempt to create drama.

I think you answered that very well and left the door open, but at the same time, let them know that you have other things going on.  I remember how much you have already tried to apologize and work things out. 

[luise.volta]

My take: Many of us did the first option until we just couldn't go any further. Self-respect and self-preservation stepped in and we said, (even if just to ourselves), "Wait a darn minute here, when did I become dirt with a capital D?" However, we probably all have different tolerance levels and time tables. Sending love...

[Beth 2011]

Welcome Farrelly,

I am so sorry for all the pain you are going through right now.  It will get better with each day.  Just take one day at a time.  Good for you for getting on with your day to day routine and preparing for the wedding and not allowing yourself to be pulled into their drama.  It took me along time to get a realistic handle on the emotional part where my own DS is concerned.  Wishing you the best of times at the wedding. 

[farrelly80]

Thankyou for all your replies
It has certainly rattled us but maybe that was the intention? This should be a time when we are getting excited about the wedding but my every waking thought is about the issues they have raised but it is all onesided and they take no blame whatsoever for anything. We want to try and resolve all the problems but I cannot at the moment see a way forward with it without us having to lie down and beg with no guarantees that it will solve anything and we get to see our GS again (that is what we want more than anything in the world)
We are going to be so proud of our son when he marries his beautiful bride, it already feels as though we have gained a Daughter as she is so loving towards us, it has been quite a revelation that a DIL can be so caring and thoughful.
I am now going to try and put everything to the back of my mind and enjoy the build up to the big day.
My instinct is that OS will regret all this one day, the boy we loved must still be in there somewhere!
Thanks again
Farrelly

[pam1]

I'm not sure if they did it to rattle you or anything.  It probably has nothing to do with the wedding, my take is that they had time to think about it and then wrote.

However, there has to be a give and take.  It can't just be one-sided.  DH and I have received similar emails from his FOO where it is all how we have to change to accomodate them.  No thanks.  I'm willing to work with someone but I'm not willing to be a doormat. 

[luise.volta]

P - When that happens, it seems to me that what is indicated is to write back, "I'm too narrow minded to be interested in other people's lists but since you are in favor of them...here is the one I made up for you of the things you will have to change be allowed in my presence. XXOO"

[Pen]

Good one, Luise

[farrelly]

Hello lovely ladies
I have not posted for a long while but have kept up with you all reading everybody's posts often.
Update, nothing new to report just the same silence and heartache.
When I think I am coping really well BAM it hits me like a ten ton truck that my son who I adored has not spoken to me for 3 years,,, 3 years I still cant get my head around it, a granddaughter who I have never seen who will be 3 year old this year. 5 weddings 3 christenings and a 90th birthday party for my mum this year that he has missed. All I wish is that he would just come round and talk to me,to us, why is that so hard to do, I'm his Mum for heavens sake, not an ogre!!!. My beautiful DIL with my YS would move heaven and earth for me and DH, and I have a loving family surrounding me, lots of parties and get to-gethers that he and my GS and GD are missing. What will he tell them in years to come?
Sorry just needed a rant will be better tomorrow xxxx

[Pooh]

Well Hi Farrelly!  Good to hear from you.  Sorry to hear things are no better with them but I am very glad you have moved on and are enjoying your family, parties and such.  It's hard when something knocks the breath out of us again?  Glad you came here to vent and update.

[luise.volta]

F - Not good news but really good to hear from you and know you are hanging in. Sending hugs!

[Pen]

Thanks for checking in, Farrelly. How great that we can come in and vent and get support when needed. I'm glad you have found a way to keep going on, even if occasionally you get a little tripped up. It happens to me, too. (((hugs)))