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Letting go of the hurt

Started by SunnyDays09, August 26, 2009, 01:30:39 pm

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August 26, 2009, 01:30:39 pm Last Edit: August 27, 2009, 10:04:14 am by HappyDays09
  I recently received this in an email and it helped to a point

Anyone over age four has had someone do dirt to her at some point -- by betraying a confidence, being insulting or abandoning her in a time of need. When this happens, you must get past the hurt to regain happiness.

Stop seeing yourself as a victim. A "poor me" attitude leaves you feeling defensive -- and defenseless. A plan of action helps you overcome the victim mentality.

Analyze how the hurt happened. Were there warning signs that you ignored? For instance, if your cash-strapped sister often expresses concern about money, it’s no wonder she was snide when you showed off your fancy new furniture.

Recognize your own role -- however small -- rather than blaming the event 100% on the rat fink. Did a coworker broadcast a nasty rumor about your boss, which eventually was traced back to you? It’s easier to change your own behavior than anyone else’s -- so resolve henceforth not to gossip.

Try role reversal.
Imagining yourself in another’s shoes makes it easier to excuse a transgression.

Decide if the relationship is worth saving. If a casual pal is repeatedly insensitive, cut off contact. But if the conflict is with a lifelong friend, try and try again to make things right.

Letting go of anger is an investment in your happiness.
Ok.  Have read it.  Agree with it.  Have even implemented all of the suggestions and finally had to arrive at the Decide if the relationship is worth saving.  For me, it could not.  It was just repetitive hurt.  Constant.  With no letting up.  It bordered on sick.  Why was I continuing to take the hurt? 
   Lastly.  Forgive.  How? How do you forgive those that have hurt you to the core of your being?  How does one begin to forgive?  I want to forgive for myself.  I need the manual tho.


I once thought that to forgive restored trust. When I learned to separate the two, I finally learned how to forgive and not trust. My best example is my unfaithful ex-husband. His three-year affair (all unknown to me because it took pace in his work environment in another city) was something I was unable to transcend, even though I tried.

I was able to forgive him and we are good friends. I am even better friends with his wife (who was the other-woman) and the four of hang out. However, I would never trust him again. I have heard of people earning back trust but for me that door was forever closed and I moved on.

So I guess what I am saying is that forgiveness for me is knowing that the other person made some kind of sense to himself/herself even if their behavior will never make sense to me. My pain is mine and is about me...their stuff is about them. With that approach, I can access compassion. it comes...I never give them another shot at me.

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

just2baccepted it comes...I never give them another shot at me.

Luise, that is exactly how I feel.  You want to forgive and give the person another chance, but how can you do that when you know that the person(s) are not going to change and if you go back to the way everything was before most likely they are going to fall back into their manipulative ways. (not that they stopped but it seems to have gotton 25% better since we've limited contact, I really think MIL is not that stupid and she know why we've pulled back)

I want to forgive for my husband but I feel so guarded against his parents.


Hi all! (back from vacation)

Something that I read recently kind of relates to the trust issue that is discussed in this thread. The following is an excerpt from "Believing in myself" by Ernie Larsen & Carol Hegarty.

To put yourself in a lose-lose situation is to lose for sure. And when you lose often enough, self-esteem erodes.
Many situations that look good on the surface may not really be good at all. Learning to test cautiously a situation, relationship, or a new venture so as to minimize risk is a critical part of building self-esteem. Just because a person looks good or sounds good does not mean he/she is genuine. We need to test it out without totally exposing ourselves before making a commitment. There is no insult in that to the other; sincerity is always subject to proof.
If mere words were facts, thousands of broke hustlers would be millionaires. It's just good sense to take your time, get references, check track records before investing more that you can afford to lose.

End of quote.

I think that forgiveness is above all a gift to ourselves. It is we that work through the anger, bitterness and resentment and free ourselves from the burden of these emotions. But that doesn't mean we can go about the same level of trust again. I think that being careful with our trust actually means we take better care of ourselves.


Amen! I definitely moved up a peg in awareness when I realized forgiveness and trust aren't the same thing. Whew...big one!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


  Thank you Alicev.  It's true ( I am going to see about getting a copy of that!!)

   I just took it as standard life dealings that all would be sunshine and roses especially with family members.  I WAS WRONG. 

   Would there ever be any situation where one just doesn't forgive?

  I would hate to have the thoughts that my ending some very toxic relationships (with family) had almost a spiritual quality to them, but I do feel more peace of mind. Inner calm.  And NO physical upsets!! 
   I tried forgiving.  Ad nauseum.  No worky for me. 

I am not second guessing my choice to end the relationship; just feeling it was almost hostile in nature.  How far would these people push the envelope, so to speak?  Were they looking for a moment where I screamed "uncle"?  What drove them?  What was the holy grail they sought?  Did these two women get some inexplicable thrill out of dishing out the mean to me?  For I had never said or done anything to either of them at any time to warrant it.  They also dealt out some mean to my daughter, her husband, my husband and my other family members, as well. 
   Was I just a new chew toy or something?   Did they sense some low self esteem issues in my constant excusing away their nastiness?  Are they reeling now that I decided I didn't want to be treated that way?  That I feel I deserved better, for it's what I give? 
  Did they really feel they could do and say whatever they felt and I just had to accept it because they are family?

   It's a conundrum for sure.  But you would hope you did right by them.  This way there is no stereotypical inlaw dealings for them.  They are free to choose HER friends.  HER parents. Etc.
   I didn't even care if my son wasn't getting "his share".  If he didn't mind, I didn't either. 
  So I just as quietly as possible, let them know how I was feeling.  And it has been five years since I have had anything to do with them.
   I know in my heart, life with them around would have been constant turmoil, drama and upset.  With many untrue accusations made about me.  She and her mother clearly hated me the moment shebat and son became engaged.  So there is no more me to bother them even with the trivial of things.  I hope this is what was behind all the hatefulness. 

But to forgive the dil and her mother?  Only if Jesus himself tells me to personally.  But then, if I am talking to Him, seems a bit late in the day, no?



From reading your experiences in different threads what struck me most was this "around the block" mean treatment. It is so subtle that it can always be explained away in an innocent manner by the DIL and her mum. It is one of those instances where you cannot totally point the finger with full certainty (provided you still want to believe the best in people) but you sure do feel the hurt hitting you like an avalanche. I would rather have some one come to me and tell me honestly that they are mad at me so that I can work out a solution than be the target of these insidious games. The silent anger is oh so much worse sometimes.


Oh alicev -- I got to go + your post.  You understand.  You do!!

I emailed those two after the "day".  Since this was the ONLY form of communication for the LONGEST time I was allowed to have.  Even then I believe it went thru the "filter" of the fiance/wife.  I sent them an email listing the what the hecks, and just asking them "WHY"?  Why me?  Why step dad?  Sister?  Her new husband?  Our pets?  My family?  Why? 
   I was hurt confused.  The punched feeling in my stomach was immeasurable.  I even walked hunched over to just keep breathing.  Like I said it was out of the blue.  NOT PROVOKED. Even at the salon, my dd and I walked with our burning scalps held high.  Smiled and thanked THE SALON EMPLOYEES.  WALKED UP TO THE DESK TO INQUIRE IF WE OWED ANYTHING??  Was it shock or did they finally snare the biggest dumb one of the most epic type:  Trusting Soul?   
   Even then I didn't think it was she and her mom's work.  But when I stop and think back to the sideways glances they were giving each other.  It was sooo quiet you could hear a pin drop during my burning.  Then the dd sits in the chair and gets burned repeatedly as well.  Same silence.  No concern for the burnees.  No apology from stylist.  Just a nasty "I CAN'T WORK WITH THESE WOMEN"  That is what that salon hires?  We were just sitting in a chair getting our hair done? 
  Like I said.  This is one for the books.  Since my son replied to my email saying I have to apologize to her and her family before we can get passed this, I immediately went into disown mode. 
  As long as she continues to say that I am mentally ill, and she has no idea what I am speaking about...everything is fine. 
   It's funny, usually at the reception or even after the wedding there is always that one huge get both families together for a couple of pics.  There was none.  Ever. 
After I sent the email I had a message on my voice mail - it was my son - saying proofs will arrive Tuesday (or whatever) at 7pm if you want to go thru them to order? 
No thanks.  Don't want any more memories of that day.  Still dealing with the Post Traumatic Stress Disorders I was given!
   AM I just reopening old scabs?  Picking and picking?  Am I doing anything constructive?  Helping anyone??


My sense is that you are helping us and helping yourself at the same time. We need to hear each others stories and feel each others pain to be able to move though the horrors of broken dreams and broken hearts.

You have made a clean break. That's an example many of us need. We need to see that healing can take place. We need role models and evidence of emancipation .
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


oh luise.  I'm a?  Me a...  a role model ?   :)

Thank you.  I appreciate that.  And I LOVE it!!!!


  It sucks, doesn't it Tam?  I guess I had that realization as well. 
    But the sun still rises.  And life is good.  Less people in it.
  But the ones I choose to have near me, are the ones that wouldnt need to change.

   Forgive?  Hmmm.  It's gonna take some time.  Too much was done I spose to just give them a do over in my heart.  Things happen for a reason they say. 
   I wish there was no need to feel that way.  ♥


so I get an email from the DIL saying they are coming Thanksgiving. I responded that it would be wonderful to see them. 

Here's the deal: she doesn't stay here at our house. Even though I have a maid once a week, there is just too much dust here.  Her house is lovely but alas, a pig stye.

Anyway, when she first started coming to town with son and kids, I guess I should have been put in the hospital.  I cried and cried till I thought I'd die because my expectation was for them to stay here for the holidays and we'd be all a close family. 

She (they) stayed with friends. Her words passed through to son:"what difference does it make where we stay (question mark!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I don't know why it made a difference, it just did. my whole "It's a Wonderful Life" was destroyed.

Looking back, I can see how I totally overreacted.  I did.  I'm glad they don't stay here. course, I'm 17 years into it now and understand not to expect anything, not even a smile.   (in her mind, no gifts are to be given to  parents).  Excuse me, but this  hurt my feelings so much. Her mother doesn't expect a gift, why should I (question mark)...her words.

Son used to be the sweetest gift giver. Not big things but little, meaningful things. Thanksgiving, his favorite holiday, now is my worst nightmare.  She will be at the table. 

I get through things with humor, if you haven't noticed.  Just thinking about her being here and me not able to be my funny self makes me sick!  All funny business.  very serious.  The entire burden for gifts is on us.  They spend nothing except to give a toy to each of his brother's kids.

Discussion (question mark)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know, I should be glad they're coming and I get that my expectations were out of wack but really, rank strangers, a street person, anybody would be more fun than them.  He's just as bad. His once great sense of humor is squashed.


I can top that....I had mine at breakfast one year.I should be able to understand that there are other people to go see.  Bacon and eggs anyone? (it's working again!!!!) It's Christmas miracle.


Holidays! Can we just skip them this year, maybe? We made the suggestion one year that it might be fun to go out for Thanksgiving dinner just for a change (and a rest) if they were available. They accepted and sounded enthusiastic. (I must have made that part up!) When we were met at the appointed place at the appointed time...they didn't order because "they had dinner in the oven at home and had people coming and were just there to watch us eat." I wanted to get up and walk out. I was furious and so hurt. I couldn't believe it and they were like "What's wrong?"
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


  Ok Prissy, Tam, et al:   here goes--What exactly do you want from them?  What in your deepest fondness memory would make it a cherished time together?  Is it just a matter of who is controlling whom?  I am NOT trying to stir you all up or get you upset.  No.  I am just wondering.  Of course she's a *you-know-what.  (This board is filtered.  But wow do I ever have a choice term for the likes of her!)   How do you picture it?  Is there any type of Hallmark theme?  Or a Hallmark Movie of the Holiday vibe?  Come on.  These are your peeps.  Warts and all.  Maybe take it as it comes?  You know she is going to be stubborn. Guarded. Confrontational.  Or worst, ignore you all together.  You can at least Know this for sure.
   Call her and ask her "what do you kids wanna do?" Maybe let them plan it?   Would you like me to fix all the dinner?  "Did you have something else in mind?"  "Are you eating somewhere else before?"  "Should we just have dessert?"  Work with her/them.  It's just a darn bird on a day that memorizes Pilgrims and Indians for crying out loud!   If it is such a strain on her, that spills onto a strain on him - which tumbles over to YOU and on and on - Who wants that??  There goes another Thanksgiving! 
Expect the least, I guess.
  Easy for me to say?  I agree.  But it's how I see it.  I always made my own Thanksgiving dinner.  After running to three or four different households to keep those people happy I determined I wasn't happy.  So I made sure I made my own dinner, in my OWN home with whoever cared to show up.  Sometimes we didn't see parents/friends/etcs.  If it was important, they could always drive to MY house!  That door swings both ways.  I didn't want to spend my holiday in a car with screaming kids, going from home to home with what is my now smelly dishes of something made up the day before. 
   My dh loved the smell of the turkey cooking.  Loved having cinnamon rolls in the morning watching the parades.  No stressful "OH MY LORD, hurry, cook this, wrap that.  Get kids/bags ready.  Gas up car."  No more.

Would it be ok to kind of plan a pre-Thanksgiving get together?  Something new?  That allowed them to do their own Thanksgiving the way they want and leave you to do your own?? 
  I guess what I am trying to convey is:  Is there any other way to celebrate this sure to be doomed day?