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it finally happened, I have to file for temporary custody

Started by firelight, February 09, 2014, 05:28:48 PM

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firelight

Well, it finally happened.  a little over 2 yrs ago my DD went through rehab for her heroin addiction.  as did my SIL.  it failed only I didn't know it till recently.  they just went through their umpteenth eviction with my 2 little GC in tow.  Let my DD move in very recently (SIL went to his aunts as my DH will not allow him in here to live).  My DD also went to the hospital and they found a blood clot near her armpit.  To make a long sad story short, I discovered she's using again.  If I'd have known this, I wouldn't have let her back in.....however, I've got my little GC (1 just turned 3 and 1 is 9 mos) to consider.  So,  DD is heading to rehab and is on a waiting list for 2-3 wks to get in and she doesn't know I'm going to file for temporary custody.  I mentioned it to her so I could seek medical care should it be needed for the grands but, of course, she was not interested in that.  SIL has warrant out and is also using heroin and does finally have a job......I am sick to my stomach.  I am 49 and do not want to raise babies at this age.  I only hope this is temporary and love them very very much.  I will do whatever it takes to make sure they are in a stable home and safe while these 2 go through their issues once again.  I do hope it is temporary because it's not fair to my husband and I.  But, if it means longer than temporary, this grandma is willing.  I'm so sad and deeply heartbroken and very angry and resentful all at the same time.  I hope it doesn't come to having to bury my DD.  I can hardly describe my emotions.   I asked my SIL what does he plan on doing when DD goes into rehab and all he can respond with is:  "I don't know."  I don't feel he really wants the help.....if my DD doesn't want it in her heart then it will fail again....it will certainly be doomed to failure if she comes out and has no plans on leaving him.  I am beside myself.  I feel so sorry for my GC.  I will do whatever I have to do......  I love them dearly.....I only hope my DD's rehab sticks this time.  The drug isn't called "the devil's medicine" for nothing.
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

Pooh

I'm proud of you FL but my heart goes out to you.  I know this isn't an easy road.  Your GC are very lucky to have you.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Footloose

I hate to hear of your trouble, FL!  I wish you well in this as i know it isn't easy!  Please do get a good family counselor to aid you in the hopefully temporary role as ft mom for your lucky grands.   The children may be burdened with attachment issues from their lives with their addicted parents. 

The very good news is that they and you can recover and improve over time as long as repair skills are used consistently. 
Attachment is an emotional bond to another person. Psychologist John Bowlby was the first attachment theorist, describing attachment as a "lasting psychological connectedness between human beings."

Bowlby believed that the earliest bonds formed by children with their caregivers have a tremendous impact that continues throughout life. He suggested attachment also serves to keep the infant close to the mother, thus improving the child's chances of survival.

The central theme of attachment theory is that primary caregivers who are available and responsive to an infant's needs allow the child to develop a sense of security. The infant knows that the caregiver is dependable, which creates a secure base for the child to then explore the world.
Ainsworth's "Strange Situation"

In her 1970's research, psychologist Mary Ainsworth expanded greatly upon Bowlby's original work. Her groundbreaking "Strange Situation" study revealed the profound effects of attachment on behavior. In the study, researchers observed children between the ages of 12 and 18 months as they responded to a situation in which they were briefly left alone and then reunited with their mothers.

Based upon the responses the researchers observed, Ainsworth described three major styles of attachment: secure attachment, ambivalent-insecure attachment, and avoidant-insecure attachment. Later, researchers Main and Solomon (1986) added a fourth attachment style called disorganized-insecure attachment based upon their own research. A number of studies since that time have supported Ainsworth's attachment styles and have indicated that attachment styles also have an impact on behaviors later in life.

Please look up the following terms on the web to understand how much attachment with out caregivers/ parents can effect our entire lives in relationships.....

http://psychology.about.com/od/loveandattraction/a/attachment01.htm

Didi.lost

Firelight I admire your courage and strength for your help for your GC.  You are a wonderful person and I hope for a
very good outcome for you and your family. 

Having to step up to this role is hard and should not have to happen to you at this stage of life.  I truly hope and pray
for you that your DD and SIL can turn their lives around for the better and take care of themselves.  There is always
hope.

Your GC are very lucky wee ones to have you and DH.  God bless you and keep you going.

firelight

I have decided to hold off for a bit on the filing of the temporary custody.  I am waiting and watching very closely and daughter does have rehab in the near future ....hopefully she will go ahead with it once her name comes up on the waiting list in a few weeks...if she doesn't, then that will be a turning point for me as far as whether or not to proceed.  She told her boss she is going and he has assured her she will have a job when she gets out.  Watching the whole thing is killing me and my heart is broken completely with the addiction and now a complication with the blood clot.  I am very scared for DD.  However, I really am hoping not to go to such drastic measures as the custody thing but I am keeping things written down in case I must proceed.  It will be a last resort.  Husband is in agreement.  I am just so sad tonight.  It is what it is.  The GC will be at my home and my SIL's aunt's home during the rehab time.  We will share the task since I work and she works...  It really is just one day at a time.   My gut is telling me not to start the process just yet.  I am going to follow it and just go from there.  I will be here for GC should the day come. 
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

firelight

Thank you, all.  I will check out the link, Footloose. 
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

firelight

P.S.  should I ever have to proceed with the petition for temp custody, the goal is not to keep the parents out of their lives but to give them a safe and stable home while DD & SIL make yet another attempt to get it together.  I am trying to look at the big picture and what it would mean if I had to do that.  I am hoping to avoid it for as long as possible.  I had my mind made up yesterday and now today when I was going to do it, I have my gut telling me to just sit on it for a bit.  It's my experience that it's always been best that I do follow my gut. 
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

Sarah

I am so sorry about your daughter but you sound like a caring person to step up for your grandchildren.  I know it is not what you want to do, but it is necessary for their welfare.  I don't have advice, just a lot of hugs for you.  I hope it goes well. 

firelight

Daughter moved in with SIL's aunt with the GC.  And the drama continues.  Not sure how that will affect my getting temp custody.  Now the 3 yr old sleeps with the aunt and her husband and the baby sleeps on the floor with my DD and SIL.  They had a bedroom here but we had words and things were said.....maybe I should still go file....she still says she's going to rehab....I have my doubts.
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

Cranky Pants

My heart goes out to you, I hope you can find some peace in spite of the situation.

CP

firelight

woke p at 0400 this a.m.....discovered I have a diamond ring missing...
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

Pooh

Oh FL, so sorry.  It doesn't sound like she is changing much.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pen

I'm so sorry for all involved. What a nightmare! I wouldn't wish addiction, or having to deal with someone else's addiction, on anyone. (((hugs)))
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

firelight

came across a quote I have to keep reading:  "I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work themselves, and they will do it when they are ready."  from Hay House Daily Affirmations. 

and yes, it is a nightmare.
thank you all.
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

Didi.lost

Oh Firelight.  I keep thinking of what you are going through and I know it's really tough.  Torn between your GC and your own child.  I am still waiting for my DD to make the decision to learn her lessons but she is still not ready.  It is a pain
that is unbearable for me because I guess I cannot understand why someone wouldn't do everything possible to get their baby back that they lost due to their addictions.

But addiction is a terrible nightmare that our DD's are living  and I guess we have to be patient and wait for them to learn on their own.  In the meantime my GS is safe with his dad who won custody with my help which is something my DD
has told me she will never forgive me for.  If she ever does or not is up to her (I hope for a good outcome) but am not holding my breath on that one.  But she is an adult and out of my control, but I know my Gs will have a good life in a stable home.  That's what keeps me going.  It's all for him. The innocent.

You must make your own mind up and at your own time.  I wish things were different and easy but that is not what life promised us.  Life is tough.  Really really tough sometimes.  But we will get through it and we will be ok as long as we are ok with our decisions as long as they are for the right reasons.

My heart goes out to you. I wish you didn't have to make this decision. Hardest decision I ever made that I live with everday. We are here for you firelight.