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distant, disinterested, spiteful daughter in law

Started by dez, February 08, 2014, 11:07:57 AM

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Lillycache

Quote from: marmark1 on March 25, 2014, 12:42:28 PM
Lilly cache has it had any effect on your DIL.and what does your son think.

I have absolutely no idea how or IF this has affected my DIL... nor do I care.   My son wishes she had not treated his mom the way she did and does his best to bring the kids over and to stay in contact.

marmark1

What I would like to know ,especially from those who do see their DIL.Do you speak to her.?Do you interact with her and GC?What if son isn't there,is it uncomfortable? Do you still give her presents? Do you still give GC money? If you visit,son will have to leave the room at some point.What do you do then.Is it uncomfortable.

Pen

My DIL went from schmoozing us as a fiancée to get what she wanted to immediately shunning us after the wedding. You can read my past posts, I don't really want to drag all that old stuff out now except to say she admitted to DS at the time that we hadn't done anything wrong, she and her FOO just didn't like us and thought we were "losers."

DH and I decided to take the high road - even though DS was furious with his wife and ILs, we knew there would come a time when he wasn't upset and we'd look really bad if we'd jumped in to diss DIL/her FOO. I treasured the times DS would contact me (usually when DIL wasn't around) and I refused to engage in DIL bashing, stating that this was between he & DIL and that DIL had to come first in his life now.

So, against the advice of DS, we continued to treat her with politeness and civility. We gave her gifts when those occasions rolled around. I clung to this site like a drowning person and screamed into pillows at times...but I continued on the high road. I'm glad I did; it worked for us and our situation.

DIL acts as if she accepts us a bit more now; whether or not she truly does (I have my doubts) is a moot point. My attitude towards her at this point in our relationship is polite & supportive, but I will may never completely trust her...in other words, I watch my back.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

marmark1

Do any body recommend confronting her about what she dislikes about me.

Lillycache

Quote from: marmark1 on March 26, 2014, 12:01:39 PM
Do any body recommend confronting her about what she dislikes about me.

You certainly can..... but be willing and prepared to accept what you might hear.   It was sort of like that when my DIL and I had our last stand.  10 years of venom spilled out over the course of a hour or so.  After that there was no way any relationship between us could be salvaged.  To me.. it became impossible to even look at her again let alone continue on.  You just don't know what she is going to say or how hurtful and ugly it will be.  Then again... some people are able to clear the air and make a better stronger bond.   It could go either way is what I'm saying.

luise.volta

I don't recommend it. Her view of you isn't who you are and you can't remake yourself to her specifications, even if you wanted to. Sending more hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

Quote from: marmark1 on March 26, 2014, 12:01:39 PM
Do any body recommend confronting her about what she dislikes about me.

It's a very slippery slope.  I am a very upfront person and my personality dictates that I try to find out what an issue is and fix it if it can be fixed.  The problem lies in the other party.  If they are that type as well, then I think this approach can work and things can be worked out.  The slippery slope is that the majority of the time, you wouldn't be having this issue to begin with, if the other party was that type of person.

Like Pen, when I asked DS what the deal was, the answer I got was, "You have done nothing wrong."  Well if we haven't done anything wrong, why are we in this mess to begin with?  That was my answer.  It wasn't going to matter if we did anything wrong or not.  She had decided that we were not wanted or needed in their life no matter what.  The why's didn't matter at that point because the why was simply because she had made that decision.  I wasn't going to spend any more of my energy or time trying to convince someone that we were worthy of being in their lives when they had no reason to remove us to begin with.

Their choice, their decision.  I don't have to like it or understand it.  I'm only responsible for not letting it ruin my life.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

luise.volta

Often when this happens, we are talking perceptions. When others think/feel that their perceptions, which were created by their conditioning and their filters...are fact, all I know of to do (no matter who they are) is to accept that and step back. We can't enter into...understand or live in another person's mind. More hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

Luise, it's that wisdom that got me through it. Thank you.

I also agree with Pooh's conclusion that "It wasn't going to matter if we did anything wrong or not.  She had decided that we were not wanted or needed in their life no matter what.  The why's didn't matter at that point because the why was simply because she had made that decision."

As MILs we are often not needed or wanted by our DILs. Unlike in the "olden days," they no longer need our acceptance in order to be with our DSs. Our DSs aren't likely to break up their marriages and lose their children over us. We might not be valued simply because we're their husband's mother or their children's grandmother. Those MILs who have civil, or possibly even loving, relationships with their DILs are very fortunate. The rest of us need to adjust and move on.

It's heartbreaking, and I don't understand how a young woman who claims to love a man could possibly want to estrange him and his children from his FOO (assuming his FOO wasn't full of criminals or worse.) But even if I did understand it, how would that insight change my situation? As in Pooh's case, my DIL made her decision and that's the end of it. Occasionally my DS steps up to defend us and insists on spending a little time with us, and I treasure those moments.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Lillycache

I believe that is the most important thing... acceptance.   You cannot burden your mind with what's fair and what's unfair... or how things SHOULD be.  Eventually, you have to get to the point of accepting things as they are.  It's hard to do that, but in the end it's what heals you. 

Monroe

I read and identify with many of the MILs here.  This is a response in general, not to any specific posting. 

I don't worry about our DIL accepting us.  We welcomed her with open arms - she pushed us away.  We continued to reach out and be open - she made it clear she had no interest in a relationship with us.  We accepted that a number of years ago.  She has always tolerated us - but that's truly the extent of her interest in us. 

Our son loves us - but has chosen a life partner with zero interest in his FOO.  Is he blind?  Certainly.  Did it hurt?  Certainly.  I guess I could have figured tolerance was acceptable - but frankly I deserve better than that.  So now I pretty much ignore them both.  I have not cut either of them off - but at their age (30ish) and stage in life, plus the fact that they live far away - - I don't think they even notice that I am not part of their lives. 

Their loss.  I deserve better than tolerance.  And he is so influenced by her, that interactions with him are not very satisfactory either. 

I have gotten to where I prefer the company of friends who value me - find me interesting and worth spending time with.  I don't have to settle for tolerance.  I can't demand friendship or respect or affection - but I don't have to settle for tolerance, either. 

Just saying'


Footloose

So how does a MIL handle it?  I don't, never did, and never will. And the result is; she is kind  but distant to me.  Hey...that's enough for me.  ;) She's not my daughter, thank God,  and I think my son has enough burdens to carry, without me adding to the problem . He knows I'm in the background, if he  should ever  need me...and that suffices.

I think most  problem  people get what they deserve,  without  having to hear it from us MILs.   It's sort of interesting  to simply sit  and  watch the show,...from the distance.  Then go home,  shrug it off  and think;  thank God I don't live there.  :D

-------
FreeSpirit,  I agree totally! Thank God, I don't live there or even near DS and his brood for now!  I fought it so much and cried and lamented and apologized and analyzed until I almost burst and ya know what?  It changed NOTHING in my relationship with my son.  It really just made it worse.   

My plans for my role in my son's family were mine alone.  So what if it has been a multi generational norm for families to be inclusive and happily grow with additions?   My son broke that tradition and many more but my life went on anyway and so did his. 

The sun still comes up each morning in spite of my unmet expectations about my gandmotherhood that all wete generated in the past. 

This "loss" was impacting my future as well.  All of the milestones I had expected to be part of are most likely never going to happen and if they do, i am sure not like anything I had expected.

My expectations have been known to exceed reality on a daily basis so I have learned to limit expectations and Know that stuff happens and the best plans may fulfill in a different result or never at all.

The best we can do is live this life we have today.  The past is gone and the future may never be so the best we can do is live right now with the people who are in our lives.

So we can waste our talents time and energy chasing the past or building expectations that have a great chance in disappointment or we can relax that perceived control and simply relax and take our time one second, on minute, one hour or day at a time.

Hugs dear sisters, it does get better.

If you cant be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with.

As wise Luise says, she has a multitude of adopted children and we are among them here.  Surprise, Loise, it's a girl!  um and she's way over the newborn size and is actually half a century old!  LOL!!!

p.s.
Some assembly required!

autumnwoman

Footloose, I was so touched by your reply to this feed. It summed up where I am in my life with my OS and DIL. They have moved over 10 hours away and I see my grandson once in a blue moon. It's heartbreaking but I come here and read often.

I haven't posted in a long time things had gotten a lot better, I was even included in their move to help of course and stayed with them for a week. Afterwards it took 6 weeks and it was almost like 2 years ago, no responding to texts, not answering the phone so I backed off. This site and you wonderful ladies helped me the first time to understand how to protect myself and have NO expectations. My OS was in town at his Inlaws for 6 days and he did bring my GS over for about 40 minutes, so I loved and played with my GS and asked no questions. So until next time I live my life with my soon to be husband and enjoy my YS who is my sunshine!

Even my YS is not happy with his brother or SIL, so we enjoy each other. I will always be grateful for you wonderful ladies and Luise who is our rock!  Thank you for getting me "through" the worst 5 years. My OS has been married 3 years but together for 8. So I hope for the best and I'm thankful for my friends and family that value me as much as I do them! Love and hugs to all!

luise.volta

AW - How wonderful to hear from you again. What a win! Sending hugs to you and yours...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

Autumnwoman, so nice to see you here again. I'm glad you are making progress.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb