distant, disinterested, spiteful daughter in law

[luise.volta]

Just time to step back.

[Stilllearning]

Rereading my post I should have thought a little longer before I posted it.  "Dumping" was definitely a bad choice of words.  My apologies!   

[luise.volta]

We get to do our best here and being human is part of that. We want to write spontaneously and still thoughtfully...not always an easy assignment. That's why it's a monitored Website...to sometimes offer insight. Not to worry. More hugs...

[freespirit]

In my case, my Dill has alot of issues with herself.  I can't really catagorize her. I've never quite  met anyone like her before. I think she is very phony, and to top that; highly sensitive, egotistical, insecure, and a witch.

So how does a MIL handle it?  I don't, never did, and never will. And the result is; she is kind  but distant to me.  Hey...that's enough for me.  She's not my daughter, thank God,  and I think my son has enough burdens to carry, without me adding to the problem . He knows I'm in the background, if he  should ever  need me...and that suffices.

I think most  problem  people get what they deserve,  without  having to hear it from us MILs.   It's sort of interesting  to simply sit  and  watch the show,...from the distance.  Then go home,  shrug it off  and think;  thank God I don't live there. 

[gettingoldandcranky]

i sympathize, dez.  going thru same thing here.  dil is close to her foo - understandable.  but leaves our side of family out completely.  blocks visits, no invitations to events - no calls, no cards, no gifts.  our ds seems to be open and loving to her family but she blocks us out as often as possible.  am always inviting and nice - more at the beginning of the relationship.  devastatingingly hurtful when grandbabies came.  but, with the help of this and other sites, know that i am not alone.  and time makes it a little easier.  if i dwell too much on it, it can be very depressing.  but, it is what it is, i have tried.   just come here to vent and look for support.  that has helped me a lot.

[Pen]

(((Hugs))) to all. IMO we're an amazing bunch of folks with heaps to offer; we just need to modify who we offer our fabulousness to ! With the help of all of you here at WWU, I finally decided to quit hitting my head against the proverbial brick wall - and I feel much better now. No more wasted effort spent on fruitlessly trying to gain the attention, love and acceptance of those who, for whatever misguided reason, have chosen to exclude me.

When GC come along, I may need a reminder. I'm counting on you!

[dez]

Thank you for all of the advice.  I appreciate your help. To Ohmama, I tried apologizing to her. She talked like everything was ok  but then, did not speak to me the next time we saw each other. I an convinced that there are some DIL's that are just spiteful and it's probably baggage from previous relationships or her  family dynamics.  I have tried everything I know to  make things good. It seems the more I try, the worse it gets. My husband & I do not constantly stay in their business. We rarely call.  We are just left out and I don't see that changing unless God gets a hold of her. I am trying not to be bitter and full of hate because that will only hurt me.  Right now I am praying they NEVER have children.   I see my son getting very tired of this after a while. He loves his family and we have always been close.  I will be kind but I have to set boundaries. I do not intend on being around the rude & disrespectful behavior again. We will approach our son when the time is right & explain our boundaries. 

[Pooh]

I think that is a wonderful plan.

[marmark1]

Dez.im sure you are right.I hope so because I'm going to do the same with my DIL.The trouble is I have the most beautiful GD.But I know like you ,my son has enough on his plate,so will keep away,and hope she comes to me.

[Lillycache]

I often think all this would have been easier if I had had a girl or two..   It seems to me that when  a  daughter has kids.. they are more like YOUR  kids.  When your son has kids, they are some other woman's kids.  We mothers of the dads tend to be treated as interlopers rather than 1/4th the DNA of the children.  But alas.. I had only two children.. both boys and one is a confirmed bachelor.  I tried to be close to my son's kids..  I really did.  But always got the feeling I was being kept at arms length.. I am sure there are many anecdotal exceptions, but really, for the most part this is how it seems to be.   So that ship has sailed for me, and I have accepted what was dealt.... moved on... and I really am enjoying life with my hubby and my animals.. and those folks that love me.   

[marmark1]

Lily cache ,I'm very glad for you.But I can't give up yet.My son phoned the other day and said she doesn't dislike me.He said he's not sure what it is.

[Lillycache]

Lily cache ,I'm very glad for you.But I can't give up yet.My son phoned the other day and said she doesn't dislike me.He said he's not sure what it is.

I know you can't..  You have not reached that place.   It's been over 4 years for me.   I just want you to know that it can happen and that you don't have to be on perpetual tenderhooks... wondering and worrying and guessing forever..   Eventually that whole thing gets old and you truely move on.   I personally don't give a hang if my DIL hates me or loves me or anywhere in between.  She just doesn't matter one bit.  She is a complete nonentity.   I love my son's kids, but I really don't know them, and that's sad, but not my doing.     I'm really content chatting once in awhile with my son.  HE is the one that matters most to me..

[Pooh]

I often think all this would have been easier if I had had a girl or two..   It seems to me that when  a  daughter has kids.. they are more like YOUR  kids.  When your son has kids, they are some other woman's kids.  We mothers of the dads tend to be treated as interlopers rather than 1/4th the DNA of the children.  But alas.. I had only two children.. both boys and one is a confirmed bachelor.  I tried to be close to my son's kids..  I really did.  But always got the feeling I was being kept at arms length.. I am sure there are many anecdotal exceptions, but really, for the most part this is how it seems to be.   So that ship has sailed for me, and I have accepted what was dealt.... moved on... and I really am enjoying life with my hubby and my animals.. and those folks that love me.

I'm there with you in this thinking, although we have plenty here that have just as much trouble out of their DD's.  I also think it is an important lesson to those with daughters they get along with to encourage them to foster a relationship with their MIL (as long as they don't have one of THOSE MIL's .  If I had a DD, I would be telling her that no one is perfect, to look over someone else's personality quirks and to remember that she is family and a GM too.  For me, many of these seem to be fueled by the DIL's Mother as well.  Wouldn't it be nice if they encouraged a relationship with the MIL instead of discouraging it or flat out interring with it due to their own jealousies or insecurities?

[marmark1]

Lilly cache has it had any effect on your DIL.and what does your son think.

[marmark1]

Pooh.you are absolutely right.If only.