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How to forgive and move on

Started by Grieving, January 03, 2014, 06:29:50 AM

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confusedbyinlaws

Stilltrying,   I have wondered if my withholding myself from my inlaws is retribution and maybe that's why I'm feeling guilty about it.  On the other hand, if I could send a clone of myself (think Stepford wife) who could go in my place and smile and be everything they want me to be and make them feel good, I would. (I think that is what they want and sadly that's what I tried to give them over the years)  I just don't want to be there myself, but I don't really like that they seem hurt by it.    That's my dilemma.  Now that I am "getting real" with myself and others, I don't believe they are going to like me as much as they did before. 
 
But I am not in a position of withholding anything else.  My kids and grown and my husband and kids are capable of having a relationship with my inlaws without me. My disappearance from the scene shouldn't affect those relationships, so I feel good about that.

I can relate to what you said :" thinking I was there wanting to be there forcing false acceptance of the situation."  I did that for many years too.  Also I spent much of the time thinking they weren't as screwed up as me and that the problems I was experiencing with them were my own doing and due to my own insecurities.  There is some truth to that thinking, but I thought if I could just change and adapt to them, I would feel better.  I thought I had to change who I was and fit in with them and gain their approval because after all they were clearly superior.  Over the years, I discovered that they were just as screwed up as my family if not more so, but the difference is my family always knew they had problems, my husband's family just can't acknowledge anything like that. 


Pooh, you are too funny!

Stilllearning

CBIL it sounds to me like you have refused to allow your in-laws to know you because you are sure they would not like you so you put up a false front so that they would like you.  It is no wonder that you do not want to see them under those circumstances but since you no longer have a dog in the race why can't you just go and be yourself?  What do you have to lose?  They may truly like the real you.  You might truly like the real them.  Who knows?
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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