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FDIL's Mom is crazy.

Started by Leah, January 10, 2014, 08:56:51 PM

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Hi, I'm new to the forum but need advice dealing with my future DIL's mother.  Sorry it's a long story but My son & girlfriend have a beautiful baby boy and they are all living with us.  Their financial situation is not great and we are supporting and helping them all we can.  We had a few difficulties while adjusting to living all  under one roof but things have mostly smoothed out.  The problem is the other Grandmother.  She posted some very degrading, accusatory remarks all over her face book page.  I never responded and unfriended and blocked her.  We asked that she not come to our house as she doesn't seem to understand the concept of our privacy.  Now for some reason this has become a constant battle where she is demanding to be allowed to visit her daughter at our house.  she has a house of her own and keeps insisting she needs to come to our house to visit.  Even going so far to threaten to call the police (she's psycho I know).  All it's doing is putting the kids in the middle of everything.  She's obviously cant stand the fact that she can't control everyone and everything around her and I'm seriously worried that she is truly psychotic.  I'm actually considering a restraining order.  Her daughter is scared to stand up to her but I also see that she really wants her mother's love, crazy as that is. 
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Leah, what about taking a walk in your FDIL's mother's shoes?  Your daughter (only child?) gets pregnant and moves in with her fiance's family.  Your daughter will not let you visit her and probably ignores most of your attempts at communication.  She does not visit you often enough but the other grandparents get to see your grandbaby every day

There are people on this website who bemoan such circumstances every day.  They feel lost and betrayed.  They are hurt.  None of us react well when we are emotionally stressed.  I am sure that the things she posted on FB were hurtful but they were most likely an attempt at hurting you back.  She is not reacting well but I do not think she is a psycho.  She is a mother who is being denied access to her daughter.  She lays awake at night and dreams up all the worse possibilities and she worries. 

Your FDIL is hurting too.  Is there any way that your DS and FDIL can have a place of their own?  Can you section off a part of your house and allow you FDIL to host whomever she wants in that area (and not the rest of the house)?  Lock the doors to your bedrooms and put all personal items in there so as to keep them from prying eyes. 

I am so sorry that you find yourself in such a difficult situation!  Sometimes a little empathy goes a long way.

Good luck!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown


Leah, it's got to be hard to deal with dil's mom. When you say she doesn't respect your privacy, what do you mean? Does she go into your bedroom? Has she stollen anything? Look through the medicine cabinet? Make comments about your house? You? Would you be worried if dil's mom visted with her at a time you weren't there? It kinda sounds like dil's mom is jealous and lashed out at you on facebook. You responded in hurt and anger, very understandable and I know I would have also, but now that you have time to think about it, what would be best for your son, dil and gs?


Welcome to the site, Leah. Please take a moment to read the pink highlighted materials under Open Me First on the home page. We ask this of all new members to make sure the site is a good fit.

Can you please give us a little more information? Is the woman doing harmful things to herself or others? Has she done anything illegal? If not, and if all she's doing is showing emotion, she's possibly very hurt about not being part of her DD's and GS's lives. I can understand that. OTOH, if she's crossing the line in a truly dangerous fashion I can see why you would want to keep your family safe.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Welcome Leah.  Just based on the information you provided, I wouldn't want her in my home either.  Is DIL willing to go visit her with the GC?  To me, if you are providing that much assistance to them, you don't have to extend that invitation to someone who is being mean.  It's up to DIL and her Mother to work out their issues.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


Leah, I understand your points but how far are you willing to go to "win"?  Retraining order, more angry confrontations, children have to be witness to all the emotion and stress.  Even babies.  Maybe it escalates to a fit of rage and then someone gets physically harmed.  Is it worth the strife and wouldn't u rather soak up the goodness of this new life and celebrate.

Your home makes it your right to refuse visitors but is it helping bridge the gap in bringing this hurt family to a more healthy relationship? 

Please be very careful in siding w/ anyone in this situation,  The struggle is really between her and her mom/dad/DH and your best action is NO ACTION, stay NEUTRAL. I have personally experienced the full cutoff from my DIL and her mom.  After they reconciled, Me and my DH were the ones cut out.  There is a long history of multiple and cut offs in her FOO.

DIL would complain about her mom often when talking w/ me.  I always said that I hated that it was going on and hope they find a way to resolve it soon.  Even tho I never made a direct insult to or supported my DIL's  mom bashing, I did make some jokes to soothe the tension, "Be careful, DILNAME,  Ya never know, u may take after her as you age, the nut may fall close to the tree, LOL!"  We laughed it off and I thought it was over.  It was used against me, years later in my sons court of law.

Welcome, you found friends who understand here.  Hugs!