Daughter has been angry for 20 years now

[MomOJL]

I am a new member.  Found this site through momresponds.com and I am sincerely grateful for such a forum.  I have had a very sad few weeks and I am trying to come out of it.  So I will tell my story here as Luise suggested.

My grown daughter who is 32 y.o. has had issues with me since she was 12 1/2 and I started a divorce proceeding against her father. She lived with me until she was 18 1/2 and graduated High School.  The hospital where I worked at the time closed and I didn't have full-time employment. I sold my house. She went to live with her father about 12 miles away for 2 years while she attended community college. She hadn't seen her dad much during the preceding 6 years, since he really couldn't relate to her at that time. In the custody papers she was to be with him every other weekend and 2 nights per week.   I enforced at least a weekly visit with him for a few hours.  I told her that did not want her to lose her relationship with her dad. Those 6 years were extremely difficult living with her.  She did not like that I had a few boyfriends during that time. (Long term committed relationships that just didn't work out mostly due to children problems and such).

In the ensuing 13 1/2 years (not living with each other) it has been up and down with her.  I have never known what to expect from her. She has praised my mothering and me in hand-made and Greeting cards in her own words for almost 20 years.  But in person there was usually tension with her. I have tried to talk with her and write letters and work through all of the emotional baggage.  Just when I think maybe it's better it always changes. I asked her if she would forgive me for all that she thinks I have done wrong and she plain came out and said "Why should I let you off the hook?"

18 months ago we had this falling out because I actually dared to tell her how I felt about how she treated some Mothers Day plans with me.  I basically said "ouch."  She was furious since this was a new development.  I just felt like she is too old for this kind of one sided relationship to be going on.  She was so angry that she sent me an extremely horrible and critical letter pointing out all the mistakes and decisions that I have made over the years as just unacceptable.  And how could she put up with a person like me? I just graduated from R.N. school.  She said that I should have had a drug addict for a child instead of her.  (She is extremely successful and college educated by the way). 

This economy drove me back to school and all she could do was put it down. I tried at least a half dozen times before the Holidays to reconcile with her and she text messaged me that my attempts were just manipulation.  When she "is ready and not moment sooner she will get in touch with me." She has blown off all relatives and friends that associate with me.  She's missed Graduations and other events that would be normal for her to attend.

She has not spoken to me for over 18 months now.  I have written letters filled with apology and explanations.  I have called and emailed in an attempt to reconcile.  I have offered to pay for therapy for the 2 of us.  She has had all the power in the relationship all these years.  I have had to tip toe around her afraid to say the wrong thing and tip the tenuous cart of our relationship.  I basically have not been able to venture an opinion about much of anything and settled for this superficial relationship in the hopes that she would grow up eventually.  She is my only child. 

I don't know if she will ever grow up though. She says she doesn't have time for counseling (with or without me) because of her job.  She texted me that "talking about it would do no good." She doesn't want to forgive me for what she sees as decisions she could have made better.  She wants to be the mother.  I, acting as her mother didn't even talk to her like that.  I have had to walk around her on eggshells lest I say the wrong thing. It is an impossible situation that I have really started to believe she likes because she is the one on top.

I am getting to the point where I realize that I have absolutely no power in situation and will just have to forget about her.  It is just so difficult to do that.  It is so hard to pretend that she doesn't exist.  She called me at 12:45 a.m. one night at the end of November after I invited her over just to have some supper for her birthday with me.  She left a message since I was sleeping.  She was crying and unable to breathe.  She managed to say that she really loved me, that she didn't want it to be this way, and she missed me.  When I called her back and said "then lets change this," she texted back that she would see me after the holidays.  Ughhhhh! 

She is getting married in August and how am I supposed to go the wedding?  And better yet, what if she doesn't invite me? I don't know which on is worse.  I alternate between anger and sadness.  I need support.  I have wonderful friends and a supportive relationship in my life, thank god.  None who have known me and her for 20 and 30 years can understand this.  Please help.

[Stilllearning]

Mom I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time!  Unfortunately I think you have reached the same point a lot of us reach, the point where you realize that your life would be happier if you quit trying to make things right with your DD.  I am not saying to write her off, just stop contacting her.  Stop apologizing.  Stop feeling guilty.  After all you did the best you could at the time and your DD will come to realize that...or not.  There is nothing more you could do to make your DD see the light.

Although it feels hopeless to you I feel very hopeful that your DD will come around.  The fact that she called in the middle of the night and left you that message says that she wants things to be better too.  I expect that once you quit chasing after her and she has a chance to think things through she will contact you.  Give her time.

And now for the fun part!  While you are giving her time you need to enjoy life!  Do not sit around worrying about it!  When ever your mind wanders to that subject you should think of something you love to do.  Make some plans!  Go bowling or to a movie or just for a walk.  Look around at all the things you have in your life that are wonderful and focus on them. 

Luise likes to say that we were whole before we had children and we can be whole again without them.  She is right but most of us have to go through some really tough times to realize it.  Hugs!  It will get better!

[Footloose]

MomJ,
I know how this hurts and I wish you comfort, dear mother of one.  I have an only child too and we were always very close in our parent/ child bond until he was in his 2nd year of college and almost 20. 

Once DS married and started wearing his MAN crown, he dumped his FOO for no apparent reason (after the wedding and presents were accepted w/ not a single thank you to anyone)  He says, he's not into those people, like he has surpassed everyone with his own intellect and self importance.  I was the only one in his FOO that was included when they needed a babysitter because she worked outside the home on weekends.  Once she became a FT stay at home mom, I was exiled too for no real excuse either, just a "she's pregnant and irritable and u are just getting on her nerves so we need a time out...".The time out lasted over a year and in the meantime, my 3rd CG and 1st GD was born, he got a big job and relocated his fam across the country!   Then I got the dreaded letter from him (he's now almost 30) telling me of all the things I did wrong w/ a copy to my husband (remarried over 2yrs ago) at another address.  27 pages!  Typed!   

I sent him a letter back and gave him freedom to remember his past in the way he wishes but that I could no longer be held to hoping and aching for a relationship with him that may never be.  I told him that I loved him and would be open to his contact when he is ready to move past the past (pun intended) and focus on what we could do now and going fwd to make it better. 

He has been contacting me a bit here and there but i suspect that he could disappear again at any moment so I have begun to expect nothing and fill up myself with other things. 

I think he was used to owning me somehow because I always put him first until he left my/our home and started his adult life.  No more mom to the rescue? Maybe because we were so close and I really was a good mom, he is jealous of my time to others, even to myself? I think he expected me to stay in the hover mode for what ever request he had of me.

Your DD may be showing jealousy too because she sees u bettering yourself and could feel slighted cuz all that energy and cost is rightly hers? 

You may never find the real reason but you are seeing that it is her problem to resolve her feelings from her past. 

Hugs, dear sister in pain but with hope for peace

[Pooh]

Welcome Mom. Please take a moment to read the posts under "Open Me First".  We ask all new members to do this to familiarize themselves with the forum rules and such.  Nothing wrong with your post, we ask all new members to do this.

Just as the others said, we all have a point where we decided that living without them is more peaceful than dealing with the drama.  Give her what she asked for, space and time.  She may decided to come back around or she may not, but it truly is up to her to make that decision.  Two things that struck me in your post.  Her statement of "Letting you off the hook", isn't her decision to make.  You are in charge of letting yourself off the hook, not her.  And also that you have apologized, multiple times.  Well, then you have done what you can and it's time for you to move on and be happy.  She's actually the one manipulating you at this point and you have to take the power back in order to move on.  You deserve better.

[Pen]

MomOJL, welcome to the site. I hope you find comfort and strength here. You are not alone.