Where do I go from here?

[MomCop4]

Thank you all who replied! ?.  I am realizing that I did throw all responsibility on her at once but I have told her I will help with resume etc.  The only thing she is passionate about is a tv show called Sherlock. This is the reason she flunked out of school. She makes slide shows, edits pics of the characters.. Etc. I have told her if she likes that stuff go to college for it! She will succeed if it's interesting for her. She doesn't show any interest. She wAnts to stay up all night and sleep all day. I am not allowing that here. She is still at the friends house but I have messaged her through Facebook. I told her we miss her and to come home, we need to talk, we can start from scratch etc... Then she doesn't reply. Babies are easy!!! Lol

[Footloose]

Momcop,
I am sorry you have to go thru this struggle!

She is setting a standard for her younger siblings to follow if they chose.  At this point, i would drop the rope and stop tugging.  She has had enough and that is why she ran away.  You must wait for her to contact you and i would not use Facebook for this type of communication as it should be just between you and her and not the world wide web.(IMHO)

Once she contacts you and she most likey will, when her friend's parents get tired of supporting another adult child who is not their own, set up time to talk face to face w/ you, and DH.  First you must determine what you and DH want for her future and the best way to guide her on that path.  It is very important for you and DH to come to complete agreement on the plan before you talk w/ DD...Then let your DD tell you what she wants and how she would like to get there.  You and DH are the coaches here so you have governing responsibility but she must have a big say in her future and agree on the approach for it to work.

Think of it like a contract with a teen driver.  All parties agree with the plan and consequences of any breach.  A full discussion on needs vs wants may also be in order? 

So much time burned on the phone/web/games/media and not so much face to face time?  Who pays for the tools our children use to shirk responsibilities?  Car, phone, money, access, etc..... As adults we must EARN and plan for our wants and privileges, after our needs and the needs of our families are met.  We must instill this in our young adult children!

Maybe create an incentive for free time with the "wants" Something like, once you enroll in school, do the financial application, etc...or join some groups that like the same hobbies or that bring you new and positive experiences, you can have your access to your toys back but until then, no recreation other than face to face and reading or enriching activities.  She is acting out, yes!  Is she scared?! you bet!  What does she want?!

She wants you and needs you but is so angry it may take her some time.  Give her that time and space and accept her back into the fold as long as she is willing to accept you or a suitable proxy as her life coach.  She is not ready for prime time and she knows it.  Flunking is her way of telling you that your path for her may not be her own.

Have weekly meetings to go over progress and address any shortfalls on expectations and to celebrate progress or update the plan as needed and as agreed upon by all 3 parties.   

She may have resentment or disappointment and other baggage at being dad's stepchild and not like the other sibs and that is OK and expected.  It is now time for her to learn to talk thru. understand what is driving her feelings and to learn coping skills for these and future disappointments or slights.  Life will hand out more for sure and she will  need those skills now and later.

"I'm 18 and now I'm an adult!  Treat me like and adult but forgive my immature failings?, cuz heck, Im just a kid"

reality may be that 18 is an adult with training wheels. We parents and senior members of community are the training wheels!

It may seem like relief is impossible but you are on your way to making things better because you are here on this site!  Your journey to better relationships has already begun  

Hugs, sister in pain!

[AnnaB]

Many of you have suggested getting help for the daughter. I could never get my 36 year old daughter to go for help. I finally gave up. We are estranged. I have to just leave her alone. There is. Toning else I can do now....but pray and take care of myself. I had to let her go.

[Didi.lost]

I too was unable to get my DD to go for help.  We are estranged also and I have very little hope that will change.
It stills tears me apart awful at times but I live with it and try to live a happy life.  It is challenging and heartbreaking and
if there is any way to keep your child in your life and still keep your self respect, I would try it.